Don't 'fail' to learn

I went to watch the sunset this morning to put into practice the new things I am learning about taking a photograph in manual mode. Up to this point all my photos have been in automatic and I was enjoying that process, it was working. For me to look through the lens, enjoy what I see and frame it right has given me so much pleasure. It allowed me to adventure and discover so many new things. I knew it had its limits, but what I was experiencing in those limits was still enjoyable.

 

This year I have decided to try to stretch myself, go out of my comfort zone and try to learn to shoot in the manual mode. So many had been telling me it allows you to do so much more. I believe it, I just can’t understand it … yet.   So, I have been doing a course online and today it was time to give it a go. 

 

It was a beautiful morning; calm, picturesque, a serene sunrise, the harbour was sparkling, and for August it wasn’t even cold.  I set myself up and began to try to take a picture with all my new information.   Nothing worked, nothing made sense, all I had learned had disappeared and the camera would not do anything I asked it to. Most times it wouldn’t even take a photo at all, and I know it was because I had no idea what I was doing.  It was not an enjoyable experience. I even tried to slip back into automatic and try to capture something, but even that didn’t work the same, nothing seemed to work. 

 

I packed up and headed to the car, feeling very sad and frustrated.  People saw my camera gear and spoke to me repeatedly as they walked past, saying, “What a beautiful morning, did you get some good shots?” I had no confidant answer for them and as I pondered, I realized I didn’t even see how beautiful it was this morning. I missed the whole sunrise.  What would normally have been a lifegiving and joyous experience just left me feeling empty and dejected. I got into my car and just cried. I felt panic and a lack of confidence and I wanted to give up. This was all too hard. 

 

Now I know that my tears were not just about missing the sunrise, or not being able to make my camera work. I know this experience triggered a deeper pain of being completely out of my comfort zone and having to try something completely new, when all I really want to do is to go back to the way it was.  It triggered fear, shortness of breath, pain, loss, sadness about my current reality. You know that change, when you are going along in automatic, life is good, life is great and then suddenly, all the rules are changed, and you have no idea how to function in a new mode. For so many the rules are changing daily even, and we are all trying to simply function, and nothing makes sense anymore. You just sit and want to go back to that way it was or give up because it is all too hard.

 

These past 2 years has been this way for so many people, on so many levels. On a world scale, we are all struggling with the challenge of change and new rules and guidelines being thrust upon us. You name it, it has happened. There is no easy way to navigate what seems to many of us something that we can’t see the end of. And yet like many, for me, COVID has not even been my greatest and most challenging change. 

 

So, I ask myself, why I am doing this to myself right now, changing up one of the few things that has been my lifeline in these difficult times? Should I just go back to ‘auto’ photography and give up learning something new?  The easy answer is yes, but in my world right now where so much is out of my control, maybe it is one thing I can change, renew, improve, strengthen. The one place where at least I have the control to choose to give something new and scary a go. A place where my bruised and battered confidence may have a chance to beginning re-sorting itself, preparing me to feel that I can face the bigger challenges of life that will really matter. A little step that will help move me from feeling “paralysed” and “hopeless” to be able to breathe again and step into a new world with renewed “hope”. 

 

Randomly I received a message the night before from someone who doesn’t really know me. I thought it was strange when I read it that night, but as I re-read it this morning I wonder if God knew I would need it this morning: 

 

“God has amazing things in your future, Things you’ve never imagined but to get there you’re going to have defeat some big giants, overcome some big obstacles, outlast some strong opposition. Why this is happening you do not know, but you must stay strong and show the opposition that you’re more determined than they are. God didn’t bring you this far to leave you. The problem is not there to stop you. It’s there to prepare you. This challenge will not defeat you.”

 

I must believe that if I can push through this difficult, unknown, clueless time of not knowing how to take a photo in manual mode, then in the end a new and exciting world of possibilities can be open to me. Even though I can’t see how this is possible yet, I choose to believe it is.  But greater than that I choose to believe this for life, my every day, for my family, for those I walk with and for the world. 

 

You can’t see it yet, your messed up HSC, your lost job, your broken family, your shattered dreams, your wavering health, your lonely and rejected heart, your painful loss that makes no sense … it’s not easy. What is one thing you can do today to simply build hope and life into this day? What is one thing you can do today that is new, stretching, one thing that helps you not give up today?  Sometimes it is all I have, and it is enough for today. 

 

Today, I missed the sunrise, I didn’t get the shot, I messed up, fell apart, and cried. But I got up, I got dressed, I drove to the beach, I gave it a go, I acknowledged the pain, and I have chosen to not give up, I am not defeated, and I will try again. And it is still only 8:30am. It is a good day to NOT ‘fail to learn’.

The photo I took in desperation in "Auto" mode 

(PS. I wrote this 4 weeks ago and still haven't picked up the camera again, 

I have a long way to go yet)

To re-knit or NOT to re-knit?

I had never known that you can reuse wool before until I wrote a blog about unravelling and got responses back from people about the power of re-used wool. Until then I thought that once something was knitted together and became unravelled you simply threw it away and started again. The more and more I investigated the idea of reusing old wool that had come unravelled, I became more and more aware of the depth of this process. 

 

A dear and wise friend wrote to me: 

 

“In the unravelling we still have the wool. We lose the shape of what was, but we carry the same wool for remaking the new. All the memories, the experience’s, the lessons, the joys and griefs are still in the wool – it’s not in the shape we loved, crafted, cared for and created though and that’s what makes the heart ache.”

I confess I am not yet anywhere near the “re-making” stage in my life, the unravelling is far too painful, and I cannot yet see any joy in the new. I know it will be a very long process. During the heart ache of this current season, I decided on a project to unravel something I made 37 years ago. Something that I have treasured and had for so long to see if it would help the current healing process. This jumper was to me still perfect, it did not need to be unravelled, it was functional and comfortable and surrounded me with the warmth I needed, so it was hard to decide to unravel it. Yet, this is what happens at times, doesn’t it? It didn’t make sense to unravel a perfectly good jumper, but this was a process that didn’t need to make sense. Sometimes trying to make sense of the “why” is not the correct question to ask, more often we need to ask the question “what next” and this is what this unravelling project was about. 

As I unravelled a jumper I had lovingly made all those years ago, I was surprised as to how hard it was to pull apart. What I thought would simply just fall apart with a few pulls, was not so.

Although it had been knitted so long ago, it was so entwined, that I had to resort to cutting it which caused lots of small pieces of twine. The cutting process was painful for me, yet very real. It took a very long time, I wanted to give up so many times, thinking this is just too hard. And yet I was thankful it was a hard and long process because it showed that something made with such love should take a long time to unravel. If it had unravelled with one pull, it wouldn’t have been so strong and well-made and maybe I would have to question its strength in the first place.  But it took almost as long to unravel as it did to remake something new. This gave me a strange comfort, a validation that the original knitting was not a waste of time, or for nothing.   

Ecclesiastes 4:12 – “A three corded strand is not so easily broken”.  

 

 And yet after a lot of time cutting and ripping and pulling it was all unravelled. All the pieces, in

various sizes.  What was once whole pieces of coloured strands of wool was now all in pieces. What was once knitted together to create a whole piece, a unique design that gave me warmth, shelter, covering, joy, and life was now gone. Some might look at the original jumper and say, well it was very dated, very 80’s, maybe it was time for something new. For me, while I like new things, the old is still special to me and there is something about the love and memories created over time that can never be replaced with something new. But as we are all learning, life throws the unexpected at you and sometimes the old must go, sometimes it is cut, ripped, and pulled away from you and you have no choice but to begin again. 

I was left with the process of tying the broken pieces together to make a new ball of wool, a combination of all the colours, all the threads of the past creation, connected with knots.  

The ball of wool showed its imperfections, its brokenness, and yet the hope of something new that could be remade, rather than the option I had only known before, that it simply needed to be thrown away.

To begin again with the wool that carries all those memories, experiences and lessons, brings the old into the new and creates something better than new.  Or so I have been told. 

 

As I considered what I could reknit, I knew I was not up to re-knitting a jumper. I am not sure how I even knitted the first one, with all its intricate designs. I knew I was only up to making something simple, something that showed me something “new and functional” was possible from these broken strands of wool. 

 
I began to re-knit, to re-use the wool that had been unravelled and created something that now sits on my bed, carrying the memories, the joys, and the griefs of the past. It was all the colours mixed, rather than the colours being separated as in the original design, and yet speaks to me of the hope of something new.  It is not as functional as the original, more of a decoration, a memorial even. This time it was knitted with tears, the original being knitted with love, but none the less it is new. 
 

“Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, Be present. 

I’m about to do something brand-new” Isaiah 43:18-19

 
To re-knit or not to re-knit, that is always the question? I’m trusting God that the only option is to re-knit and trust in that process. Right now, I am “faking it till I make it”, one day at a time. The new cushion reminds me each day it’s a choice and yet it gives me a smile of the past as I press forward to the new.  
 

The 360 Effect

12 years ago, I stood at this place in the Northern Territory and watched my son throw stones into the water.  We were on a journey for him into manhood and we were walking with him intentionally to speak into his life and make sure there was key people in his life to walk with him in following challenge teenage years. I look at this picture and I see the wonder in his stance, the focus in the moment of sheer joy and excitement of discovery, the freedom that life was all ahead of him, and anything was possible. It wasn’t until I got up early in the morning to walk here, to capture the sunrise that I realised that this was the exact place I took that photo, 12 years ago. 

 

Now, 12 years later, we are here together again. I look up to emulate the photo all those years ago, but I know I am looking up with a very different process going on in my head. As he takes the photo all these years later and remembers his own journey, I ponder on the journey that has led me here today.  

 

12 years later, I consider what is ahead of me now, in my life, certainly anything is possible, but in the moment, I feel sadness and loss. The longing to be back there 12 years ago and what I could have done differently for me to not be here where I am right now. The thought that back then, I could not even imagine my life taking the turns it has, to lead me here today.  It is probably good we can’t see too far ahead in time; it would frighten and overwhelm many, especially me. 

 

But there is also joy today. It is the realization, that I am only here because my son is walking with me. I would not have been able to come here today if not for the confidence he saw in me and the choice he made to come and be with me.  We drove through rivers and unpaved roads to be here in the dark, taking risks and being brave together. We found ourselves here, without power and no-one around if we were to encounter trouble and together, we made each other stronger.  I would not be able to do this on my own. As 12 years ago he would not have been able to be here then, now the roles are reversed.  

 

This time he is carrying me, giving me strength and love, in a most challenging time in my life.

 

It is the 360 effect.  The one you dream for, but never quite know if it will occur as they are growing up. That time when your children become your strength in a way that you hoped to be for them when they were young. It was a special morning, as I remembered and was able to look at how far he has come and to be so proud and in wonder of the man he is becoming. 

 

It was sad that this is such sad circumstances that he has been able to return the favor for me. To speak love and courage to me, but often that is the case. It takes a whole lot of humility to find myself in this space. To be here with my son, helps me feel secure and feel a small sense of confirmation that I must have done something right, along the track.  Or maybe it is simply the grace of God, that gives us what we need, when we need it.  Being here with my son is a special gift I will treasure forever. 

 

When you have children, you want the best for them, to give them the solid foundation, to be able to face whatever comes.  My deep desire was always that they would have a deep connection with God, who guides and sustains them.  Here I stand with my son, at 24 years old and I can only see these qualities growing in Him, and today they are also sustaining me.  

I look up, I throw a stone, I consider what is next and I am thankful for those who walk with me. It is a gift to know that in my darkest moments my children comfort me, love me, and stand alongside me in the pain. I no longer take that for granted but am thankful for their actions that show me so. We don't know the future; I was foolish to think 12 years ago our future was assured.  I was so certain back then that I had all that my children needed to provide a safe and caring environment.  But life takes turns and twists we cannot see it where it will take us. When the rubber hits the road and our faith, and love for each other are tested, it is often in the hardest of times that true loves shows itself. I thank God for this moment today, a chance to not only re-capture a memory but to transform it, to come full circle, 360 degrees. To go from mentor to mentee……. I humbly celebrate my son and his presence in my life and am thankful for both of my beautiful, amazing children today. 

Joy is a Choice

This particular day in lockdown felt like it could sting. My daughter turned 21 and we could not celebrate it the way we had planned, the family was all separated and not able to be together.  COVID has affected us all in so many difficult, tragic and inconvenient ways. Some we can laugh off and let it go, some that sting. I know there has been much pain and loss for so many and the question is how we face it and move forward. 

 

It is when we feel separated, isolated, on the outside looking in, restricted even from human touch, or completely cut off which can happen in multiple ways; that grief, panic, anxiety, fear and tears and anger can take a hold. 

 

I wrote on my daughter’s card: 

 

“This is not the day we planned, but we are learning this is the day we have. Live it well, make the best of each moment and today, like any other day can be a happy one” 

 

A day that could have stung, ended up having some lovely highs, because we chose to make the best of little moments that we could have. The isolation made me more aware of the things that are most precious and allowed me to grieve more deeply for what I no longer have. Most importantly, I did not let the pain and loss destroy the joy.

 

As one so much wiser than me said: 

 

“Joy is possible even amid great labours – the labour of dying, the labour birthing, and the labours between. We cannot force it. But we can create moments to breathe through labour pains and surrender our senses to the present moment, notice the colours and light and feeling of being alive, here, together, joy comes more easily…….Joy returns us to everything good and beautiful and worth fighting for…joy is the gift of love: it makes the labour an end it itself. I believe labouring in joy is the meaning of life” (Valarie Kaur, 2020)

 

I reminisced where I was 21 years ago when my daughter was born and pondered on all that I had back then.  During the ‘actual’ labour, there were so many moments of joy that I took for granted, that now feel lost amidst complication and pain. 

I know this day could have gone many ways. I had the choice to bring joy or pain, grief or laughter, possibilities or giving up, love or pity, grace or unforgiveness, prickly or soft, hope or hopelessness. Every moment was a choice. Every moment is a choice. And often it is not a choice I can make in my own strength.

This is not the life I planned, but I am learning that this is the life I have…………I choose to live it well, to make the most of each moment and choose today and each day from now on, that there will be happy moments again. 

 

“Performance of joy while the wounds are still being inflicted is not a display of otherworldly strength. It is an act of faith that God will not give us more than we can bear”. (R. Rohr, 2021)

 

I am thankful for my loving Heavenly Father who holds me up every step of the way. I would not and could not, do it in my own strength. I know we all have those days that sting, those times when life throws you something that seems too hard to bear, when the day or life you planned falls apart.  It is in these moments we must choose to believe that that ‘labouring in joy IS the meaning of life.’

 

 

 

 

 

It's Solvable, in a world where so much is not.

I can’t believe how many puzzles I have done in the past 12 months and why I am enjoying them so much. I can get lost in them, no matter how hard they are.  

 

The word ‘puzzle’ infers a mystery, something to be solved that might not otherwise be.  But actually, if you persist, they are all solvable. Every piece will have a place if you persist long enough. When doing a puzzle, you know that determination and patience pay off because it can be finished. The fact is that each shape doesn’t need to change, it just is, and more than that it is a vital piece, just the way it is. Even those pieces that are all the same colour, their unique shape makes them important to simply fit in a particular place and allow the puzzle to be completed. The piece can’t say, no I don’t want to fit there, it just does. It can’t say, I want to change shape. If it did, then the puzzle could never be completed.  Each piece is perfect just the way it is, and by finding its place its purpose is fulfilled.

 

This doesn’t mean the process is easy. You can spend hours and hours and not feel like you are getting anywhere. I had friend with me when I was at the stage where I had the sky left on a puzzle and literally there were 50-60 pieces that were all the same colour blue. She looked and said, “this is the stage I simply quit and pack it up. You can see it is a sky, what’s the point of finishing it? It so frustrating.” 

 

Instead, I spent hours of meticulously placing piece by piece into a slot knowing that out of the 50 or so potential pieces one would fit perfectly if I persevered. 

 

And there are those moments where one of the pieces of the puzzle is in the wrong place. You feel stuck and find that many other pieces don’t fit. It throws the whole puzzle off.  It can look right, but there is a subtle uniqueness to each piece so they all only fit on one place. You need to really look and spend quality time putting everything in its rightful place. There are times I’m required to re-do parts of the puzzle to get back on track, but this is never the puzzle’s fault, this is always my mistake. Quitting is an option, but persevering it always worth it, to solve the mystery, the “puzzle”. Of course, we are not solving anything, this puzzle has been solved already; planned and created for a perfect finished result. I am merely learning as I go, what the creator has already planned out long ago. 

 

So, while I am observing all this, I am wondering to myself, why do I keep doing puzzles? I mean it’s not like I desperately want to see the picture. I only have to look on the box to get that sort of enjoyment. Like my friend said, you can see it is a blue sky, so why do you have to finish it? 

 

Besides all the metaphors and deep reflection that has come with this pondering, I think for me it is simply that in a complicated world and life, especially when COVID hit and we were all faced with so much that no longer made sense, or that we could do nothing about, the fact that puzzles are solvable was simply a relief. I knew that even if it took me a long time, if I was going to put a whole lot of effort and time into it, the result was going to be a perfect puzzle at the end where every piece fit and every piece mattered. The fact was that the result was assured from the start, the end was clear and if I simply played my part the result would be a 100% success. In a world where there is little you can say that about, it is a comfort for a time. The fact that the pieces were not going to change shape or colour mid-stream, created for me a comfort in that it was a known challenge and I knew what I had signed up for.  There was the occasion where a piece would go missing, which I was fully able to acknowledge was a fault on my part, not the puzzle’s fault.  I could live with that slight disappointment knowing that it didn’t change the fact that the puzzle would always be solvable.  

 

“It is finished”. (John 19:30) 

 

The promise of Jesus story is the same for me. “It is finished” His final words, which promise that the price is paid, the end is assured, the hope is real. Each piece is finally in place, so the whole picture is revealed for those who are willing to see it, accept it and surrender to it. The mystery of the puzzle of life is solved in Him. It is the only thing that makes sense to me right now and it is the only thing I can be assured of. 

 

So, this is a journey of learning as I go, knowing that I am simply called to persevere, not give up, delve deeply, appreciate each piece is unique and special and has a place. I choose to trust there will be times when all I can see is so many pieces, that I don’t know where they all go right now, even acknowledging that some may be lost through no fault of the creator, but knowing that in the end, “it is finished”.   

 

“For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith”. (1 John 5:4) 

 

Do I really want to be like you?

I wrote a children’s song called “I want to be like you”. I love to sing it with kids and teach them about the importance of allowing God to shape and mould us.  I have always considered it was about as we grow and need to be mouldable to His will as we develop and mature, especially for our children. 

 

“The potter moulds and makes, bends and breaks, design me to be, a servant for you.”

 

As I have done the actions over and over again; the bending, breaking, the shaping, the moulding, and the deep desire I have had to “want to be like God” in life, it is something that has been my prayer since I was a child.  

 

I have loved the visual of the clay and the ability to feel it in my hands and imagine shaping and moulding clay as I long to see people’s lives shaped and moulded by Him, and also my own life. 

 

Whoever said the simple promises of God cannot be powerful at any age, is clearly mistaken. This song and its promises have struck a deep chord with me recently and I am not sure I can even sing the song at the moment without feeling like an imposter.

 

I realise that lately I have been that clay that has arrogantly been saying to the potter, “what are you making?” And questioning not only the moulding and making, but especially the bending and breaking of how the Potter has been making me more like Him lately.  We can so easily say, ‘yes Lord, bend and break me’ until He does and then all we can say is, “what are you making?” And to be honest I have been very angry with the Potter.  

 

Isaiah 45:9 

 

“Woe to those who quarrel with their maker, those who are nothing but potsherds among the potsherd on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, What are you making? Does your work say, “The potter has no hands?”

 

It would seem I have been doing exactly that. I have simply been saying to God, I am done, I am out, I don't like this anymore and I don't want to be broken and bent and shaped by you any longer.  I am a potsherd - a broken piece of pottery. I am shattered on the ground and I would like you to simply sweep me up and place me in the bin. I am done. 

 

I am ashamed for all those years I have urged children and people to allow God to bend and break them so they can be more like Him. I have prayed that for my life, but now I want to take it all back and say, ‘enough, it is too hard, it is too painful, I simply don't want to do this anymore’. Of course, I still want to be more like God, but I didn't know it would cost this much, and be this painful. To feel so broken and discarded and rejected is so painful. And yet my deeper embarrassment is that I have been teaching this to kids who are living in this space and have been discarded and rejected most of their life. What a hypocrite I have been. 

 

Isaiah 40:29

 

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak” 

 

I have been so busy loving and sharing out of my strength and happy to minster from this space, but I realise I am not sure if I can love and share out of weakness. I mean true weakness, weakness that means you are simply ground up broken pieces of clay that sit on the potter’s floor.  The small bits that you simply sweep up and put into the bin. The broken bits that get trodden on and ground down to dust and become simple a gritty pain under your feet. When, you feel that weak and weary, how can He do anything from that? 

 

Genesis 2: 7

 

“Then the Lord god Formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and the man became a living being.”

 

Hmmm…I mean really, no matter how low I go and long for a valid excuse to say I am finished, dust to be swept away, I have nothing more to give or do, I am just looking for any excuse to not have to do the painful work of being reshaped, remoulded. I certainly don't want to be broken any more. And I certainly don't want to be in leadership anymore where I must sing that song and encourage others to go on the journey of being moulded and shaped and broken by the potter. It is too painful and hard. 

 

When you get to the space and we all do at times, we are faced with a choice. I can either choose to sit in a pity party or I can be open to that fact that even when your life is dust, He can breathe life into it. New life, transforming life, life that you cannot yet possibly see or imagine. Help me to choose to sing: 

 

                   I want to be like you, 

                   I am changing day by day.

                   teach me Lord, and show me how, 

                   to grow to be more like you

                   …design me to be more like you.

 

What is your foundation?

 “If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit - but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock” (Matt 7:25- The Message) 

 

 

So many know the story of the man who built his house upon the rock and the man who built his house upon the sand.  I wonder how many others there are, like me, who read that story and can only think of the song you learned when you were a child in Sunday school.  It’s a great story and a great visual parable that is all too known and familiar. Or so I thought.  I feel like in my 50’s my literal, visual and foundational faith is constantly being rocked, (pardon the puns), or maybe simply it’s the reminder that we never stop learning and what we think is childlike knowledge that we all know, God is always transforming and building upon.  Or maybe He is simply showing me that I am a slow learner. 

 

When I have read and taught this parable all these years, I have always seen the promise of building your life on a firm foundation and when the storms come, and the tornados hit and the river floods, because you have built on a firm foundation, your house will not be moved, it will not crash or crack, it is fixed to the rock. I know that is what the ‘message’ says, and I have taken that so literally that I think it has become a stumbling block for me in recent years. It is the danger with the parables, especially when we teach them to young children who see things so literally. I have been so happy to confidently teach this to kids and adults alike, with no hesitation that choosing to build your house upon the rock of Jesus, you can be assured that what you build will stand firm and not be moved.

 

But the fact remains, that houses do still fall, even when they are built on a firm foundation. Sure, they have a better chance of surviving floods and storms than a house that is built on the sand, but none the less, they still crack, they still move, sometimes they crash down, and sometimes they need to be re-built completely. 

 

So, when we are faced with the real life reality and read the parables and they don't seem to add up, what do we do? 

 

How does one read this story/truth in the Bible, when they are living in the reality of their house crashing down around them?  When from the beginning of building your life, you have desired and chosen to build on God’s firm foundational rock, and while never perfect it is what you endeavoured to do and yet you stand in the rubble of a crashed down house.  The storm hit, the tornado came, the floods flowed through and the house crumbled. This has happened over and over again with people all through time and all over the world, and I know it is the time when many walk away from His stories and truth and look for something else to build their life on. 

 

I am thankful for the ways in which God is calling me to deeper and deeper understanding of His truth and want to ask for forgiveness if I have led anyone astray with my confidant and thoughtless sprouting of these parables and truths as if there is something wrong with you if you are standing in a crashed house and wondering where is God in this space? I know in recent years I have been that person, and the glib answers and prayers that you can be given in these spaces are not helpful, in fact that can be very harmful. It’s why we must know Who is our firm foundation in these challenging times.

 

It is hard to read these stories through the lens of pain, loss and despair, and yet that lens helps us to see truth that we would not have seen before. Words can often fail us and confuse us and yet, if we can sit with them and our loving Father just a little longer, we can see He has so much to show us. 

 

Today, I saw with new eyes that it is the foundation that remains. It is the foundation of who He is and what He promises that is what will not be moved. And yes, all that is built upon it will be stronger and more secure if it is built on the rock, but not everything that is built by man’s hands and plans will stand the test of time and the storms of life.  There is a distinct difference between, what we build into our lives (faithfulness, peace, joy, love, grace, forgiveness etc) because of the Rock we stand on, and what we build from the rock that is here today and gone tomorrow.  The literal one in me wanted to believe that because I have built something here on earth on the truths of the Rock (my God) that it should never crash, fall or crack and that is not correct. The promise of this story is that when what we build here on this earth crashes, falls or cracks, it is the foundation that remains, and the only chance of rebuilding, recovering, remaining amidst the loss and pain that life deals you is what you are left standing on.  His unmovable, unshakable, unrockable foundation. The world can try to take everything away from you, but it cannot take away His love, His faithfulness, His peace, His joy, His grace, His forgiveness … His … you put whatever word there, if it is from Him it will not be moved. 

 

 

“They are foundational words, words to build a life on.”  (Matthew 7:24) 

 

There are times in life when you might feel that they are all that you have, my prayer is to stay on the search for the rest of my life for HIM to be all that I need. 

 

 

I want the road map

It was one of those days on the trip when I had a lot of driving all around a busy city. I had 5-6 appointments/ meetings to go to and I knew that it would be a big day of getting from one place to another.  I looked at each place on google and worked out roughly what timing would be okay, but of course I had never been to any of these places and never driven around this city before, especially in an 8-metre van.   But for me the day began with a sense of excitement, for while I didn't know exactly where I was going, I was excited for the challenge. I didn't give it another thought, until I met a lady before I left who, when she asked about my day and I told her, her first response was, “In that van! Oh my, that’s a big thing to do. Where are you going, can I help you in case you get stuck?” To which my reply was, “I don't know where I am going, I only know where I am heading first up!” She said I was brave and went on her way.  I didn't feel brave at all, I suppose over the years I have just been able to take each step as it comes and enjoy the adventure of it. I mean, I didn’t really care which way “google” took me today, as long as I got there in the end. Today, like the past 4 months really, I have been happy to see where the journey takes me and sometimes the detours or unexpected/unplanned roads I have travelled have been the most interesting and enlightening experiences.  

 

So, the question remains, why is it so easy to drive into the unknown around Australia and not so easy for life in general?  I can have a rough map of where I want to aim for and then set off and see where it takes me when it comes to driving around Australia. I can actually find it quite exciting and freeing. But when I don't know what is around the corner in my life, I am paralysed. 

 

But in my head, I know that when you are walking on the journey with Jesus, you can read the instruction manual, there are helpful guidelines along the way and you know the final destination. He gives you are a purpose along the way and things to do, and says He wants us to have life to the full (John 10:10). Why can’t that be enough, just hit the road and see where life takes you and Jesus? 

 

Ah, no. Instead, I am in a pickle, because I don't know what is around the corner. I can’t see what is next! As if COVID didn't teach us that even when we think we know, we actually don’t. And yet, I am still unable to just go with the flow. I just can’t seem to live life as easily as a road trip and see the adventure of it so much these days and I suspect I am not the only one. 

 

I used to, but that was when I thought I knew what my future looked like.  Like many today, I stare down the future barrel and find so much has been whisked away.  It could be you have no job, no marriage, loss of a deep friendship, no idea what ministry looks like, unsure of income and how to survive, loss of house, children all leaving home or all the above.  Why can’t I see that God’s end game and promises still haven’t changed and find enough assurance in that to simply take the next step in the journey and trust God for the rest? 

 

It seems I not only want the road map, I want it clearly marked out, so I can see every step of the way. To be fair on myself, I may not need to know exactly where I am going when I drive, but I do know at any time I want to know, I can simply talk to ‘google’.  There is an assurance in that for sure. So, I take the approach, ‘I only need to know what I only need to know’.  I feel like that is the approach I have lived by for a long time in most things, which is fine until you find that what you thought you knew has changed and now you have no idea what you know. I think I just lost myself in my own writing and yet I think it makes sense (ha ha). 

 

When we don't know what is next and when the ‘why’ is not clear, that’s when I am learning that I am asking the wrong questions. 

 

“Shift from asking why God allows hard things to learning how to rely on Him in the midst of circumstances that make you resistant to trust”. Lisa Terkusrt  

Yes, I want to the road map and is that such an unreasonable request?  I suspect the key word there is “the”, if I am honest, I want “the” road map that makes sense to me. However, “the” road map has been there since the beginning. It is all there in His word, but it is just not as directional as we would like it or, let’s be honest, it’s often NOT the roads we might personally choose if we were in control. Surrendering to God’s map is what He asks us of all. To let go of your own “road map” and to stop asking why we can’t go in that direction is what we must do. Then all we CAN do is trust Him and learn to be happy with making the next best step at the time, based on where He is leading us.

“Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever."     

2 Cor 4:10-18 The message          

 

“Help me Lord, to only need to know what I need to know and trust you for the rest. Help me to stop asking the “why” question and begin to ask “what next”. Lord, I want to thrive and not simply survive, and that means letting go of what I cannot see and learning to enjoy the moment that is right in front of me, knowing you know the final destination.”

Choosing Brave

 ‘You’re so brave’ was the comment I would get when people found out about the trip I was planning. 

Wilson - The Van

When I would land at a caravan park and set up, people would say hi and couldn’t believe I was on my own.  Time and time again I would hear it, how brave people thought I was. I know in some ways there were elements of bravery being on my own in a big van, but really if you knew me, the adventure and exploration part of the trip was actually not me being brave, but me being who I was created to be. The study part was also something that was so satisfying. The opportunity to watch the sunrise and sunset each night outside my window and walk in His creation was an oasis that I savoured every moment of. Even the not knowing where I may land my head that night was exhilarating. 

 

Phil 4:8 

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things”  

 

Out on the road on my own I could do this for the first time in what felt like18 months. There were no

other distractions, voices, responsibilities pulling me back into the stuck place I had found myself in.   Like any mountain top experience that we have, it is powerful, special, peaceful, life giving, and like Peter I simply wanted to camp there. (Matthew 17) So what people were saying was “brave” I was simply feeling like it was ‘hiding’, ‘choosing safety’, ‘maybe even running’.  If I could pitch my tent and stay there forever, roaming the country from beautiful scenery to beautiful scenery I would. To be honest I am still trying to work out how I can continue to do this in my future.  When it is just you and Jesus, it is easier to think on things that are true and pure and right. When it is just you and the ability to choose which beautiful destinations you are going to head toward, it is easy to think on things that are excellent, lovely, praiseworthy. 

 

Matt 17:4

Every sunrise and sunset, mountain and valley, rock and tree filled my broken heart with hope, peace, joy, and His majesty. As Peter said, “Lord, it is good that we are here”

 

We all love those mountain top moments, they are important in our faith journey, and you know the feeling of never wanting to leave and go back to everyday life. 

 

The bravest thing that I have done by far on this trip was to choose to come home. 

 

Coming to the end of the trip was by far the hardest thing I did. I chose to fast from meat and Moscato (which I was drinking too much, if I am honest),  in order to take even more time in slowing down in the last 10 days to prepare for the end. It was so rich that I thought “I got this” until I drove closer and closer. I had to come down from the mountain. As you come into Wollongong, you literally come down a mountain and suddenly I felt I couldn’t breathe again. 

 

Under my breath it was all I could do to speak out the promises that I have been given over the past 10 days. Like a mantra, they were something I knew I must say. All the while, the fog was setting in, the cold literally set in, and I felt like I could see nothing. All I could do was put one simple step in front of me. It was like walking into a storm from the calm eye of the storm, that I knew He had placed me in for the past 4 months. 

 

I can relate to Peter wanting to stay on the mountain, for as soon as they got down from the mountain, the demands began; heal me, speak to me, why don't you do this, do it now! The disciples who had just been in the presence for God, were quickly reminded of how their faith so quickly waivers when the first challenge comes. (Matt 17:20)  Oh, how disappointed I was in myself, how weak I am, how sad that I can so quickly crumble. Have I really learned anything that You have taught me in the past 4 months? How quickly was the fall into a slump of bad thinking, doubt and confusion.  How come I cannot hold onto His promises no matter the circumstances? I want to be so much stronger than I really am, as brave as people think I am.

 

I am so thankful for Peter and Paul and many of the people in the Bible who tell me I am not alone in my doubt, fear and lack of faith.  When Paul asked for his burden to be taken away, God responds: 

 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness… When I am weak you are strong” 

 

Yes, I know I can love and flourish in times of strengthening and mountain top experiences, but am I brave enough to stand strong when I am weak and trust His grace is sufficient? I know it is who I want to be, I know in Christ it is what He wants for me, I know He doesn’t ask me to do it in my own strength, I know it is the place He wants us most. But to step into that space in this next season, will be the bravest thing I ever do.