What did I hear from you today? - Communication within marriage is not always easy

Communication is a tough challenge at the best of times but it is especially so when emotions are involved. David and I have been married 27 years and been together 32 years, you would think that after all these years we would have mastered it by now.

We know enough to know that we have two different responses to misunderstanding. One of us retreats and one of us attacks, it doesn’t really matter who does what, what matters is being aware of it and working through it. We know enough about our temperaments to know that one likes to fix and one just wants the other to listen. When it comes to a place where we just don’t see eye to eye, it can be a very hard and confusing place to be.

One way that we have found a way through is to give each other space to ask the question “What did I hear from you today?”. They say “time out” is great for kids, well I think it is mandatory for good communication. 

Not so long ago our day began with a misunderstanding, it was clear that we just weren’t able to hear each other, it was not a nice start to the day.  In this instance, the key is to know when to call a “time out”. It is never nice to leave things unresolved, but this particular day we were not getting anywhere and I am not sure who called the “time out” first but we were both relieved when it happened. He left the house and drove to work, I sat in a slump and did what most women do, just cried. 

I am a writer, so it helps me to process things by writing. I love how God meets me there often and “Time out” with Him is always Healing and comforting. After a while I decided to send Dave an email answering the question “What did I hear from you today?”.... the ”Ï” statements are important, even if you don’t start there, make sure that’s where you land before you press send. Even if this is not what the other person actually said, it is important to try to hear what each other are hearing. 

I have been in conversations with people who are hurting or frustrated and trying to work things out with their partners and you know it just can’t go anywhere if they are speaking with statements “he just won’t listen, she is the problem, they will just not see my point of view, he is wrong, she is hurting me.” 

I finished the email by saying....

Please pray for me, I am broken and I am scared. Please pray that God speaks to you with clarity, so we can be on this journey together as I don’t want to do this alone.

Dave responded very quickly with a phone call to say that the email really helped him understand what I was hearing and that we would talk again tonight and try to clarify the misunderstandings.

So quickly the “I” and the “me” quickly became “we” again as we work hard to keep our communication open, because we are willing to ask the question “what did I hear from you today?” and that day we were willing to really listen to each other.