The things you learn when you have no 'wifi" - Part 2

As I ventured out to explore New Zealand recently in a van, I discovered that I didn’t have access to the “wifi” in the way I expected to. This meant that the many ways I was so used to connecting with people were now cut off for me. Yes, I could have paid a premium for the privilege, but was on a budget, so I decided to see if I could travel around NZ without having “wifi” at my fingertips. We rely on it for navigation, music, booking accommodation, finding petrol and food stops, weather, booking attractions and general communication. So, this was my challenge, to live simply and see what I could discover. 

 

There was a lot I didn’t miss, but I realised how much difference a few days can make in the world. Interestingly, I reconnected after a while to find that Australia had a new prime minister. But for me, more importantly, it is so nice to connect with my loved ones. With no ‘wifi’ most of the time, when I was able to find free wifi, it was often limited.  It was really important to know how to make the most of the small amount of data you might get. I loved stopping at a café along the road, with no idea where I was, to zoom in with some special friends for a chat. It was such a blessing. I know connection is important, especially when it is limited, and you feel like you might not be able to do it again for a while.  The nights were the hardest alone, I must admit. I sat in a petrol station in the dark at 9pm one night, at 2 degrees temperature, just to connect with my kids and my mum. I was glad I could and I appreciated it so much more because it wasn’t an easy thing to do and was the only way to connect for a short time. 

 

Mostly, when you disconnect from “wifi” and that fast pace of the “ping”, it helps you slow down. Sometimes the space and the silence can be scary, but it is so important to allow the silence and slow pace to lead you. 

 

“The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still”. Exodus 14:14

 

 I feel like He has been trying to teach me this for a long time now. I know I have been guilty of filling the silence with sound and activity, in order to numb my mind from thinking, processing and feeling at times. But on this trip, I needed to engage in that space, slow down and allow God to heal me in those quiet places. To allow the gaps for God to speak into. He is my safe place and has been my shelter in the storms, so I am thankful for the time I choose to spend with my Father in Heaven.  

 

Ps 37

5 Open up before God, keep nothing back;

    he’ll do whatever needs to be done:

⁷ Quiet down before God,

    be prayerful before him.

 

34 Wait passionately for God,

    don’t leave the path.

He’ll give you your place in the sun

 

37 Keep your eye on the healthy soul,

    scrutinize the straight life;

 

39-40 The spacious, free life is from God,

    it’s also protected and safe.

God-strengthened, we’re delivered from evil—

    when we run to him, he saves us.

 

 

Connection is the key to life. But knowing what to connect to, when to connect and who to stay connected to is so vital for life to the full. So, when it is limited and hard to find, who do you most want to connect with?  Where do you run and find comfort and healing?   Who is it that you want to share with about the things you have experienced and seen along the journey that day? We all need those people in our lives and we need to make them a priority. We need to be brave enough to cut out all the nonsense voices that don’t matter and send us off on paths that lead nowhere. 

 

The van life with no ‘wifi’ certainly breaks down what is ‘really’ important. It teaches us what and who you can live without and what and who you can’t live without. I know it is important to live like this all the time, not just when in a van.  So, the challenge is to not let the craziness of the world flood back in when I return to home and to continue to make good choices along the way and find the still and quite spaces to hear His still, small voice guiding us all along this crazy pace we call life. 

 

 

 

The things you learn when you have no "wifi" - Part 1

It’s been a long time since I have travelled in a country without ‘wifi’ or navigation at my fingertips. I remember the good old days when you had to read a map made from paper and follow the road signs. While there are some countries where it is almost impossible to NOT get lost, in New Zealand this is not the case.  However, I learned a lot when travelling ‘unplugged’ of sorts, on a recent trip. You realise how reliant we become on the ability to instantaneously access whatever we want, whenever we want, when suddenly, ‘wifi’ is not available. We rely on it for navigation, music, booking accommodation, finding petrol and food stops, weather, booking attractions and general communication. 

 

Mostly I found it very freeing to hit the road with my favourite downloaded playlist (some people don’t even have that), pen and paper, my camera charged and food and drink in my fridge. But I also learned/re-learned a lot. 

 

I have learned that you need to do your homework beforehand. It is important to be prepared and have a general idea of where you are heading and what you want to see along the way. It is helpful to have some sort of paper(tangible) map. You need to have an idea of how long it is going to take and then in NZ add another hour onto that as traveling around the mountains always takes longer than they say it will. I learned that the hard way. It is important to read the road signs well, as they are your main guide to getting to your destination. It helps to be more focused on what you are looking at along the way. 

 

It is important to always be aware of your petrol levels because you never know when next you can stop to fill up. The great thing about being in a self-contained van is that food or drink is never a problem. I could stop anywhere along the side of the road and fill my tummy or quench my thirst, even rest and sleep If I wanted to. But I can imagine if you are just on the journey in a car, watching all these levels would be important as well. 

 

I never quite knew how far I had to go at times, or where I was going to stop. Sometimes that was a little disconcerting, but most times it is very freeing. In fact, with my camera and beautiful scenery I lost track of time all together most days, and so I learned the hard way to watch my time and what I can fit into a day.  It is good to know when the sun sets and rises each day, so you have a general idea of the boundaries of good travelling hours. Of course, you need wifi for this, so at some point you need to find FREE wifi to access this information, beforehand. 

 

I think the thing I found most freeing was the lack of distraction from the world. There were no ‘pings’ and notifications telling you of all the things that were are going on in the world.  My phone became a second memory catcher and a music player.  It is a wonderful day when you can get lost in nature, with a song in your heart and a camera in hand. 

 

It may all sound simple, until you run out of petrol or your van breaks down. Or when you hurt yourself on a walk in the middle of nowhere, you have no food, water or ‘wifi’ to call for help. It wouldn’t be long till you’re in the dark, all alone and suddenly this freedom adventure is not so fun anymore. In order for that to not happen you need to …

 

·      Be prepared

·      Know where you are heading

·      Watch carefully for the signs

·      Be mindful of your energy/fuel levels

·      Know your safety boundaries 

·      Connect with the right people when you can. 

 

Not a bad way to live each day. We are all on a journey, and we must take some responsibility for where we land each day. 

 

It is said that early in Jesus’ life, he grew 

“In wisdom and stature and favour with God and man” – Luke 2:52. 

I have always loved this balanced and wholistic way of life that Jesus modelled. He valued wisdom, he cared for himself physically, he knew who to listen to and who to turn to. He set him up for every trial and challenge he had in front of him. He didn’t complain or blame others when the challenges hit, he was prepared, mindful, purposeful and surrounded himself with the right people. 

 

 It is so easy to blame others when the wheels fall off life, when you hit a pothole, get lost or suddenly find yourself in a place you hadn’t planned to be. We can sit and cry out “why me”, or “it is not fair,” or just get plain angry. If we are not willing to be prepared, know where we’re heading, watch carefully for the signs, be mindful of energy levels, be safe and connect with the right voices, then to expect the journey and all the good things that come with it to just fall in your lap is not realistic. I am thankful for the life skills and problem solving and courage that ‘travel’ and trying new things has taught me. I think it has made me a stronger person.  Choosing not to have “wifi” on this trip, helped me engage in a whole lot of skills I forgot I had. I know I have the skills to get me out of most situations, but we only know that if it is tested, or we are willing to step out and give things a go ourselves. It helped that I knew my purpose and end game, I was prepared and was very mindful of my strength and boundaries.  

 

What adventure or risk have you taken lately?  When is the last time you tested and stretched yourself, to see where it could take you? Or importantly, what are you missing out on because you’re not willing to disconnect from the safe ‘online’ world and see what the real world wants to teach you?

 

When will I learn?

I have always gained great comfort from the Psalmists who wrote so many psalms beginning with a plea for help as they cry out to God:

 

Ps 57:1  Be good to me, God - and now! I’ve run to you for dear life. I’m hiding out under your wings until the hurricane blows over.

Ps 119:105-112. Everything’s falling apart on me, God, put me back together again with your word.

 

Ps 64: 1 “Listen and help, O God. I am reduced to a whine and a whimper, obsessed with feeling of doomsday”

 

Ps 86:1-2 Bend an ear, God: answer me. I’m one miserable wretch! Keep me safe – haven’t I lived a good life? Help your servant -I’m depending on you!

 

Ps 102:1-2 God, listen! Listen to my prayer, listen to the pain in my cries. Don’t turn your back on me just when I need you so desperately. Pay attention! This is the cry for help! And hurry – this can’t wait.

 

Ps 130:1-2. Help, God – the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help! Iisten hard! Open your ears! Listen to my cries for mercy.

 

Ps 142:1-2 I cry out loudly to God, loudly I plead with God for mercy. I spill out all my complaints before him, and spell out my troubles in details.

 

At first, I would keep reading them and take solace in that fact that I plead the same thing over and over again. Every day is a new challenge to get back up and try again. But in any given day that I feel like I am stronger and can move forward, something happens and pushes me back 2 or 3 steps again.  I would feel like a failure over and over again, wondering will I ever get there? I took comfort in the fact that many of the Psalms begin with a cry out for help, and it is not always a whimper, it is often a demand using words like “help”, “listen”, “pay attention”, “listen hard”, “plead”, “open your ears”.  They are often said with exclamation marks after them that feel very demanding and desperate. I was always taught to pray with respect and to begin with ‘thank you’ and “praise you God for…”.  I know it is the way Jesus taught his disciples to pray and I want to be respectful indeed, but if I am honest I do find joy in the Psalmist’s cries of desperation. It is real and raw and helps me feel less like a failure and more like a normal mortal, who is simply struggling. 

 

But today as I read more Psalms begging God to help, I was comforted by something different. For a while now I have judged myself for wondering how long will I take till I never waver from His love and grace?  How long will I sing this whining song?  How long will it take till I learn and move forward?  I don’t know if you have ever felt stuck, like you are in a holding pattern and you just want to stop going back to the same old pains and struggles over and over again. I know it is how I feel all the time lately. I just want it all to stop. I long for the renewing of the mind. These words feel like a broken record and yet I find comfort in them when I read another Psalm that says: 

 

Ps 70: 5 But I’ve lost it, I’m wasted God – quickly, quickly! Quick to me side, quick to my rescue! God, don’t lose a minute.

 

Ps 77:4-6 I’m awake all night -not a wink of sleep; I can’t even say what’s bothering me. I go over the days one by one, I ponder the years gone by. I strum my lute all through the night, wondering how to get my life together.”

 

So, there is a small comfort in the reminder that if it was so easy to move forward, there would simply be one Psalm and not over 100 of them. The reality is that just as much as our human nature needs to hear things over and over again, we often do need to keep realising it is a journey and it takes time for restoration and re-storying. 

 

I took small comfort in the fact that there is something powerful about not feeling alone. But today I was struck by the fear there is something dangerous about staying there.  Many of the Psalms start in pain, but they don’t stay there. I realised that I had to stop myself from quickly moving over the “hopeful positive” statements to seek another verse where the Psalmist was crying out for help. I was reminded that is it maybe more important where you end, rather than where you start. It Is okay to plead, whine, cry out, demand help, acknowledge pain and struggles as long as you don’t stay there. And this is where possibly when the learning occurs. I must stop berating myself about why I am I still sad and lonely and change the destructive self-talk of “when are you going to learn, Tammy?” to asking different questions like: 

 

Am I still in the same place I was three years ago?

Are my dark days as dark as they used to be? 

When I am struck by pain, do I stay in the darkness as long as I used to?

When it hurts deeply and I feel the pain, do I stay there, or do I move through it?

Is my focus on the pain or the promise of hope that comes on the other side?

 

When my answers to these questions are “no” then I am learning and growing and changing, be it ever more slowly than I would hope for. When my desire is to focus on the hope more than the pain, I am heading in the right direction and it is all He asks for. I am challenged to “be still” and ponder the way each Psalm ends rather than my focus staying on the way it begins. While many of the Psalms begin with pleading and begging for God to help, they always end with: 

 

Ps 57:11. “Soar high in the skies, O God! Cover the whole earth with your glory”

 

Ps 64:10 “Be glad, good people! Fly to God! Good-hearted people, make praise your habit”.

 

Ps 86:17. “As you, God gently and powerfully put me back on my feet”. 

 

Ps 102:28 “Your servants’ children will have a good place to live and their children will be at home with you”

 

Ps 130:7 “…With God’s arrival comes love, with God’s arrival comes generous redemption”

 

Ps 142:7. “….your people will form a circle around me and you’ll bring me showers of blessing!”

 

Lord, I continue to pray for your strength daily, to keep my focus on your message of hope, love and grace. Help me to learn more about that each day and to learn that "to sing your praises is enough".

Do you know you can never be UNCHOSEN?

There is a powerful TV series called “The Chosen”, which follows the life of Jesus, but in a way that I believe has never done before. While I am happy to unashamedly plug this series as a must for everyone to watch, I was struck by the power of the title for me today.  While this series is all about the life of Jesus, it is woven through stories of the many who walked with Him and those He had chosen.  The title of this series invites us into the story rather than being just a spectator and asks us to consider what it means to be ‘chosen’. To be chosen is a very intentional invitation. It tells us that we always belonged, that you are pursued, seen and wanted.

 

The opposite is to be Unchosen. We all know the pain of not being chosen for something. Life soon teaches us that painful lesson. But there is a deeper pain of being Unchosen. It is worse than ever being chosen in the first place. It is like being given the seat of honour and then being told it was a mistake and you must move. It is like making the team and then being ousted soon after. It is like being awarded a leadership role or certain job you have always wanted and then being sacked. Maybe you have experienced having a special relationship, romantic or otherwise, and then watch them un-choose to be with you. Maybe you have been kicked out of your family or friend’s circle. It can be as thoughtless as to be unfriended on social media or as deep as choosing to sever a long term, lifelong friendship and commitment. We see it all the time in divorce and family breakdown. We have tried to make it normal, or common or just a part of life. And while it is a big part of this broken life, we want to minimize or not talk about how deeply it hurts and changes us from the inside. It is an intentional decision to NOT be connected and it is very painful to have something and then watch it be taken away. Sometimes we have done something to deserve this loss and sometimes it is just pure rejection and the cruelty of life. It is hard not to take it personally, not to see it connected to your worth and feel the constant feelings of rejection and failure that make you feel unpursued, unseen and unwanted. In this life we will all experience it at some point, it will cut deep to the core of who we are and many never truly recover. 

 

Then I watch “The Chosen”. This powerful account of people who met Jesus in all levels of being unchosen. Whether their choices got them there or not, whether they were worthy or not, Jesus calls them CHOSEN. He calls them each by name, sees them, pursues them, loves them and transformation happens.  With Jesus they can NEVER be unchosen. We can NEVER be unchosen. I can NEVER be unchosen. This is not a simple statement to say, isn’t it wonderful that “Jesus loves us, this I know for the Bible tells me so”. If we truly get the depth of being CHOSEN, it is actually the answer to the deep pain we carry from being UNCHOSEN. 

 

“For I am convinced [and continue to be convinced—beyond any doubt] that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present and threatening, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the [unlimited] love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”   (Romans 8:38-39 AMP)

 

I needed to hear that today. I wonder if you need to hear that as well.   We need to hear it above the voices in our life and more so in our head that constantly tell us we are unchosen, unwanted, unloved, unseen. That is the voice the enemy wants us to hear the loudest. As you venture through the series “The Chosen” you see the human struggle of many who find it so hard to believe it as well, and I am thankful that I am not the only one. They had the privilege of walking with Jesus side by side and yet they still struggled. But though they struggle, it doesn’t change the truth.  With Jesus they can never be UNCHOSEN, we can never be UNCHOSEN, I can never be UNCHOSEN. 

 

Lord, help me to know that the only hope I have is to let those words heal me. Help me  to lean into your truth daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes as each minute passes, until I know that I know that you CHOOSE me, call me by name, save me, see me and pursue me with your unending love. Then one day I may believe that it is enough to be CHOSEN by you, and nothing that happens to me, or no amount of UNCHOOSING by the world around me will matter. 

 

At the very least I challenge you to watch “The chosen”, it will definitely be worth your time. 

https://watch.angelstudios.com/thechosen

Don't 'fail' to learn

I went to watch the sunset this morning to put into practice the new things I am learning about taking a photograph in manual mode. Up to this point all my photos have been in automatic and I was enjoying that process, it was working. For me to look through the lens, enjoy what I see and frame it right has given me so much pleasure. It allowed me to adventure and discover so many new things. I knew it had its limits, but what I was experiencing in those limits was still enjoyable.

 

This year I have decided to try to stretch myself, go out of my comfort zone and try to learn to shoot in the manual mode. So many had been telling me it allows you to do so much more. I believe it, I just can’t understand it … yet.   So, I have been doing a course online and today it was time to give it a go. 

 

It was a beautiful morning; calm, picturesque, a serene sunrise, the harbour was sparkling, and for August it wasn’t even cold.  I set myself up and began to try to take a picture with all my new information.   Nothing worked, nothing made sense, all I had learned had disappeared and the camera would not do anything I asked it to. Most times it wouldn’t even take a photo at all, and I know it was because I had no idea what I was doing.  It was not an enjoyable experience. I even tried to slip back into automatic and try to capture something, but even that didn’t work the same, nothing seemed to work. 

 

I packed up and headed to the car, feeling very sad and frustrated.  People saw my camera gear and spoke to me repeatedly as they walked past, saying, “What a beautiful morning, did you get some good shots?” I had no confidant answer for them and as I pondered, I realized I didn’t even see how beautiful it was this morning. I missed the whole sunrise.  What would normally have been a lifegiving and joyous experience just left me feeling empty and dejected. I got into my car and just cried. I felt panic and a lack of confidence and I wanted to give up. This was all too hard. 

 

Now I know that my tears were not just about missing the sunrise, or not being able to make my camera work. I know this experience triggered a deeper pain of being completely out of my comfort zone and having to try something completely new, when all I really want to do is to go back to the way it was.  It triggered fear, shortness of breath, pain, loss, sadness about my current reality. You know that change, when you are going along in automatic, life is good, life is great and then suddenly, all the rules are changed, and you have no idea how to function in a new mode. For so many the rules are changing daily even, and we are all trying to simply function, and nothing makes sense anymore. You just sit and want to go back to that way it was or give up because it is all too hard.

 

These past 2 years has been this way for so many people, on so many levels. On a world scale, we are all struggling with the challenge of change and new rules and guidelines being thrust upon us. You name it, it has happened. There is no easy way to navigate what seems to many of us something that we can’t see the end of. And yet like many, for me, COVID has not even been my greatest and most challenging change. 

 

So, I ask myself, why I am doing this to myself right now, changing up one of the few things that has been my lifeline in these difficult times? Should I just go back to ‘auto’ photography and give up learning something new?  The easy answer is yes, but in my world right now where so much is out of my control, maybe it is one thing I can change, renew, improve, strengthen. The one place where at least I have the control to choose to give something new and scary a go. A place where my bruised and battered confidence may have a chance to beginning re-sorting itself, preparing me to feel that I can face the bigger challenges of life that will really matter. A little step that will help move me from feeling “paralysed” and “hopeless” to be able to breathe again and step into a new world with renewed “hope”. 

 

Randomly I received a message the night before from someone who doesn’t really know me. I thought it was strange when I read it that night, but as I re-read it this morning I wonder if God knew I would need it this morning: 

 

“God has amazing things in your future, Things you’ve never imagined but to get there you’re going to have defeat some big giants, overcome some big obstacles, outlast some strong opposition. Why this is happening you do not know, but you must stay strong and show the opposition that you’re more determined than they are. God didn’t bring you this far to leave you. The problem is not there to stop you. It’s there to prepare you. This challenge will not defeat you.”

 

I must believe that if I can push through this difficult, unknown, clueless time of not knowing how to take a photo in manual mode, then in the end a new and exciting world of possibilities can be open to me. Even though I can’t see how this is possible yet, I choose to believe it is.  But greater than that I choose to believe this for life, my every day, for my family, for those I walk with and for the world. 

 

You can’t see it yet, your messed up HSC, your lost job, your broken family, your shattered dreams, your wavering health, your lonely and rejected heart, your painful loss that makes no sense … it’s not easy. What is one thing you can do today to simply build hope and life into this day? What is one thing you can do today that is new, stretching, one thing that helps you not give up today?  Sometimes it is all I have, and it is enough for today. 

 

Today, I missed the sunrise, I didn’t get the shot, I messed up, fell apart, and cried. But I got up, I got dressed, I drove to the beach, I gave it a go, I acknowledged the pain, and I have chosen to not give up, I am not defeated, and I will try again. And it is still only 8:30am. It is a good day to NOT ‘fail to learn’.

The photo I took in desperation in "Auto" mode 

(PS. I wrote this 4 weeks ago and still haven't picked up the camera again, 

I have a long way to go yet)