The things you learn when you have no 'wifi" - Part 2

As I ventured out to explore New Zealand recently in a van, I discovered that I didn’t have access to the “wifi” in the way I expected to. This meant that the many ways I was so used to connecting with people were now cut off for me. Yes, I could have paid a premium for the privilege, but was on a budget, so I decided to see if I could travel around NZ without having “wifi” at my fingertips. We rely on it for navigation, music, booking accommodation, finding petrol and food stops, weather, booking attractions and general communication. So, this was my challenge, to live simply and see what I could discover. 

 

There was a lot I didn’t miss, but I realised how much difference a few days can make in the world. Interestingly, I reconnected after a while to find that Australia had a new prime minister. But for me, more importantly, it is so nice to connect with my loved ones. With no ‘wifi’ most of the time, when I was able to find free wifi, it was often limited.  It was really important to know how to make the most of the small amount of data you might get. I loved stopping at a café along the road, with no idea where I was, to zoom in with some special friends for a chat. It was such a blessing. I know connection is important, especially when it is limited, and you feel like you might not be able to do it again for a while.  The nights were the hardest alone, I must admit. I sat in a petrol station in the dark at 9pm one night, at 2 degrees temperature, just to connect with my kids and my mum. I was glad I could and I appreciated it so much more because it wasn’t an easy thing to do and was the only way to connect for a short time. 

 

Mostly, when you disconnect from “wifi” and that fast pace of the “ping”, it helps you slow down. Sometimes the space and the silence can be scary, but it is so important to allow the silence and slow pace to lead you. 

 

“The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still”. Exodus 14:14

 

 I feel like He has been trying to teach me this for a long time now. I know I have been guilty of filling the silence with sound and activity, in order to numb my mind from thinking, processing and feeling at times. But on this trip, I needed to engage in that space, slow down and allow God to heal me in those quiet places. To allow the gaps for God to speak into. He is my safe place and has been my shelter in the storms, so I am thankful for the time I choose to spend with my Father in Heaven.  

 

Ps 37

5 Open up before God, keep nothing back;

    he’ll do whatever needs to be done:

⁷ Quiet down before God,

    be prayerful before him.

 

34 Wait passionately for God,

    don’t leave the path.

He’ll give you your place in the sun

 

37 Keep your eye on the healthy soul,

    scrutinize the straight life;

 

39-40 The spacious, free life is from God,

    it’s also protected and safe.

God-strengthened, we’re delivered from evil—

    when we run to him, he saves us.

 

 

Connection is the key to life. But knowing what to connect to, when to connect and who to stay connected to is so vital for life to the full. So, when it is limited and hard to find, who do you most want to connect with?  Where do you run and find comfort and healing?   Who is it that you want to share with about the things you have experienced and seen along the journey that day? We all need those people in our lives and we need to make them a priority. We need to be brave enough to cut out all the nonsense voices that don’t matter and send us off on paths that lead nowhere. 

 

The van life with no ‘wifi’ certainly breaks down what is ‘really’ important. It teaches us what and who you can live without and what and who you can’t live without. I know it is important to live like this all the time, not just when in a van.  So, the challenge is to not let the craziness of the world flood back in when I return to home and to continue to make good choices along the way and find the still and quite spaces to hear His still, small voice guiding us all along this crazy pace we call life. 

 

 

 

A turn

David in the Bible, will always be known as a shepherd and a king and man after God’s own heart.  What a glorious legacy to be known for. 

 

“Yet there was a time when David did not examine what was in his own heart, he did not examine his own fears of being loved enough, did not examine his fears of not being wanted enough, instead David examined what was outside his own window. Examined who was out bathing next door. When we only examine the ways of everyone around us instead of examining the ways of what is actually within us we can expect our hearts to eventually go wayward. If we don’t examine the ways our hearts turn, it is our very light that ends up not turning out well. David turned away from his responsibilities and draw closer to what he thought would satisfy him, comfort him, fulfill him. By living an unexamined life this is what ends up exploding David’s life”.  (Ann VosKamp) 

 

I have been captured by the haunting words of Ann VosKamp:

 

“Every time we turn from something, we turn to something”

 

How simple is a “turn”? Whether it is a 1 degree turn or a 90 degree turn it is still a ‘turn’. Often it is in the small turns that we suddenly find ourselves in a place we never expected. A slight turn in another direction, then another slight turn and then another. It’s a scary thought and yet we have all found ourselves in this situation.  And then we think we can no longer turn back so we carry on a path that we never wanted to be on. It only takes one bite, one look, one word, one thought, one action, one agreement, one lie, one moment. And then another and another. I have caught myself so many times, wondering how did I get here? How did my life come to this? This is not who I want to be?  

 

Repentance is not a word we like to speak about, but it means simply “to turn”. Easter is a key time to retell the story. It is a story we must continue to retell. As we have just come through this time we see the many ways the disciples turned from him, we see his enemies turn and hurt Him, we see the religious people and the crowd turn on him, all the while Jesus continued to turn toward His father. At every step He had a choice to turn away, to take another path, but He choose to turn toward the cross. He turned towards death that we might have life, grace, forgiveness and freedom from our own wrong turns. The story of Easter, shows us that there is no habit, no lie, no words, no actions, no agreement, no bad choice, no wrong path, no sin too far that we cannot not turn back to Him. 

 

David writes in Psalm 32: 3-5 (MSG)

 

“When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans. The pressure never let up; all the juices of my life dried up. Then I let it all out; I said “I’ll make a clean breast of my failures to God”. Suddenly the pressure was gone – my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared”

 

 

I am thankful for the men and woman in the Bible that share their pain and struggles so openly to show we are not alone in our failings to be who we long to be. David was not perfect, and his legacy remains because he knew that it was never too late to turn to God. Like David, we are only one turn away from freedom and love. I am reminded that no matter how far I turn from Him and who He made me to be, I only feel love and joy from Jesus whenever I turn toward Him. I pray there would more turning to and less turning from the love and freedom that Christ can bring this hurting, messed up world. 

 

 

 

 

When will I learn?

I have always gained great comfort from the Psalmists who wrote so many psalms beginning with a plea for help as they cry out to God:

 

Ps 57:1  Be good to me, God - and now! I’ve run to you for dear life. I’m hiding out under your wings until the hurricane blows over.

Ps 119:105-112. Everything’s falling apart on me, God, put me back together again with your word.

 

Ps 64: 1 “Listen and help, O God. I am reduced to a whine and a whimper, obsessed with feeling of doomsday”

 

Ps 86:1-2 Bend an ear, God: answer me. I’m one miserable wretch! Keep me safe – haven’t I lived a good life? Help your servant -I’m depending on you!

 

Ps 102:1-2 God, listen! Listen to my prayer, listen to the pain in my cries. Don’t turn your back on me just when I need you so desperately. Pay attention! This is the cry for help! And hurry – this can’t wait.

 

Ps 130:1-2. Help, God – the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help! Iisten hard! Open your ears! Listen to my cries for mercy.

 

Ps 142:1-2 I cry out loudly to God, loudly I plead with God for mercy. I spill out all my complaints before him, and spell out my troubles in details.

 

At first, I would keep reading them and take solace in that fact that I plead the same thing over and over again. Every day is a new challenge to get back up and try again. But in any given day that I feel like I am stronger and can move forward, something happens and pushes me back 2 or 3 steps again.  I would feel like a failure over and over again, wondering will I ever get there? I took comfort in the fact that many of the Psalms begin with a cry out for help, and it is not always a whimper, it is often a demand using words like “help”, “listen”, “pay attention”, “listen hard”, “plead”, “open your ears”.  They are often said with exclamation marks after them that feel very demanding and desperate. I was always taught to pray with respect and to begin with ‘thank you’ and “praise you God for…”.  I know it is the way Jesus taught his disciples to pray and I want to be respectful indeed, but if I am honest I do find joy in the Psalmist’s cries of desperation. It is real and raw and helps me feel less like a failure and more like a normal mortal, who is simply struggling. 

 

But today as I read more Psalms begging God to help, I was comforted by something different. For a while now I have judged myself for wondering how long will I take till I never waver from His love and grace?  How long will I sing this whining song?  How long will it take till I learn and move forward?  I don’t know if you have ever felt stuck, like you are in a holding pattern and you just want to stop going back to the same old pains and struggles over and over again. I know it is how I feel all the time lately. I just want it all to stop. I long for the renewing of the mind. These words feel like a broken record and yet I find comfort in them when I read another Psalm that says: 

 

Ps 70: 5 But I’ve lost it, I’m wasted God – quickly, quickly! Quick to me side, quick to my rescue! God, don’t lose a minute.

 

Ps 77:4-6 I’m awake all night -not a wink of sleep; I can’t even say what’s bothering me. I go over the days one by one, I ponder the years gone by. I strum my lute all through the night, wondering how to get my life together.”

 

So, there is a small comfort in the reminder that if it was so easy to move forward, there would simply be one Psalm and not over 100 of them. The reality is that just as much as our human nature needs to hear things over and over again, we often do need to keep realising it is a journey and it takes time for restoration and re-storying. 

 

I took small comfort in the fact that there is something powerful about not feeling alone. But today I was struck by the fear there is something dangerous about staying there.  Many of the Psalms start in pain, but they don’t stay there. I realised that I had to stop myself from quickly moving over the “hopeful positive” statements to seek another verse where the Psalmist was crying out for help. I was reminded that is it maybe more important where you end, rather than where you start. It Is okay to plead, whine, cry out, demand help, acknowledge pain and struggles as long as you don’t stay there. And this is where possibly when the learning occurs. I must stop berating myself about why I am I still sad and lonely and change the destructive self-talk of “when are you going to learn, Tammy?” to asking different questions like: 

 

Am I still in the same place I was three years ago?

Are my dark days as dark as they used to be? 

When I am struck by pain, do I stay in the darkness as long as I used to?

When it hurts deeply and I feel the pain, do I stay there, or do I move through it?

Is my focus on the pain or the promise of hope that comes on the other side?

 

When my answers to these questions are “no” then I am learning and growing and changing, be it ever more slowly than I would hope for. When my desire is to focus on the hope more than the pain, I am heading in the right direction and it is all He asks for. I am challenged to “be still” and ponder the way each Psalm ends rather than my focus staying on the way it begins. While many of the Psalms begin with pleading and begging for God to help, they always end with: 

 

Ps 57:11. “Soar high in the skies, O God! Cover the whole earth with your glory”

 

Ps 64:10 “Be glad, good people! Fly to God! Good-hearted people, make praise your habit”.

 

Ps 86:17. “As you, God gently and powerfully put me back on my feet”. 

 

Ps 102:28 “Your servants’ children will have a good place to live and their children will be at home with you”

 

Ps 130:7 “…With God’s arrival comes love, with God’s arrival comes generous redemption”

 

Ps 142:7. “….your people will form a circle around me and you’ll bring me showers of blessing!”

 

Lord, I continue to pray for your strength daily, to keep my focus on your message of hope, love and grace. Help me to learn more about that each day and to learn that "to sing your praises is enough".

Do you know you can never be UNCHOSEN?

There is a powerful TV series called “The Chosen”, which follows the life of Jesus, but in a way that I believe has never done before. While I am happy to unashamedly plug this series as a must for everyone to watch, I was struck by the power of the title for me today.  While this series is all about the life of Jesus, it is woven through stories of the many who walked with Him and those He had chosen.  The title of this series invites us into the story rather than being just a spectator and asks us to consider what it means to be ‘chosen’. To be chosen is a very intentional invitation. It tells us that we always belonged, that you are pursued, seen and wanted.

 

The opposite is to be Unchosen. We all know the pain of not being chosen for something. Life soon teaches us that painful lesson. But there is a deeper pain of being Unchosen. It is worse than ever being chosen in the first place. It is like being given the seat of honour and then being told it was a mistake and you must move. It is like making the team and then being ousted soon after. It is like being awarded a leadership role or certain job you have always wanted and then being sacked. Maybe you have experienced having a special relationship, romantic or otherwise, and then watch them un-choose to be with you. Maybe you have been kicked out of your family or friend’s circle. It can be as thoughtless as to be unfriended on social media or as deep as choosing to sever a long term, lifelong friendship and commitment. We see it all the time in divorce and family breakdown. We have tried to make it normal, or common or just a part of life. And while it is a big part of this broken life, we want to minimize or not talk about how deeply it hurts and changes us from the inside. It is an intentional decision to NOT be connected and it is very painful to have something and then watch it be taken away. Sometimes we have done something to deserve this loss and sometimes it is just pure rejection and the cruelty of life. It is hard not to take it personally, not to see it connected to your worth and feel the constant feelings of rejection and failure that make you feel unpursued, unseen and unwanted. In this life we will all experience it at some point, it will cut deep to the core of who we are and many never truly recover. 

 

Then I watch “The Chosen”. This powerful account of people who met Jesus in all levels of being unchosen. Whether their choices got them there or not, whether they were worthy or not, Jesus calls them CHOSEN. He calls them each by name, sees them, pursues them, loves them and transformation happens.  With Jesus they can NEVER be unchosen. We can NEVER be unchosen. I can NEVER be unchosen. This is not a simple statement to say, isn’t it wonderful that “Jesus loves us, this I know for the Bible tells me so”. If we truly get the depth of being CHOSEN, it is actually the answer to the deep pain we carry from being UNCHOSEN. 

 

“For I am convinced [and continue to be convinced—beyond any doubt] that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present and threatening, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the [unlimited] love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”   (Romans 8:38-39 AMP)

 

I needed to hear that today. I wonder if you need to hear that as well.   We need to hear it above the voices in our life and more so in our head that constantly tell us we are unchosen, unwanted, unloved, unseen. That is the voice the enemy wants us to hear the loudest. As you venture through the series “The Chosen” you see the human struggle of many who find it so hard to believe it as well, and I am thankful that I am not the only one. They had the privilege of walking with Jesus side by side and yet they still struggled. But though they struggle, it doesn’t change the truth.  With Jesus they can never be UNCHOSEN, we can never be UNCHOSEN, I can never be UNCHOSEN. 

 

Lord, help me to know that the only hope I have is to let those words heal me. Help me  to lean into your truth daily, sometimes hourly, sometimes as each minute passes, until I know that I know that you CHOOSE me, call me by name, save me, see me and pursue me with your unending love. Then one day I may believe that it is enough to be CHOSEN by you, and nothing that happens to me, or no amount of UNCHOOSING by the world around me will matter. 

 

At the very least I challenge you to watch “The chosen”, it will definitely be worth your time. 

https://watch.angelstudios.com/thechosen

To re-knit or NOT to re-knit?

I had never known that you can reuse wool before until I wrote a blog about unravelling and got responses back from people about the power of re-used wool. Until then I thought that once something was knitted together and became unravelled you simply threw it away and started again. The more and more I investigated the idea of reusing old wool that had come unravelled, I became more and more aware of the depth of this process. 

 

A dear and wise friend wrote to me: 

 

“In the unravelling we still have the wool. We lose the shape of what was, but we carry the same wool for remaking the new. All the memories, the experience’s, the lessons, the joys and griefs are still in the wool – it’s not in the shape we loved, crafted, cared for and created though and that’s what makes the heart ache.”

I confess I am not yet anywhere near the “re-making” stage in my life, the unravelling is far too painful, and I cannot yet see any joy in the new. I know it will be a very long process. During the heart ache of this current season, I decided on a project to unravel something I made 37 years ago. Something that I have treasured and had for so long to see if it would help the current healing process. This jumper was to me still perfect, it did not need to be unravelled, it was functional and comfortable and surrounded me with the warmth I needed, so it was hard to decide to unravel it. Yet, this is what happens at times, doesn’t it? It didn’t make sense to unravel a perfectly good jumper, but this was a process that didn’t need to make sense. Sometimes trying to make sense of the “why” is not the correct question to ask, more often we need to ask the question “what next” and this is what this unravelling project was about. 

As I unravelled a jumper I had lovingly made all those years ago, I was surprised as to how hard it was to pull apart. What I thought would simply just fall apart with a few pulls, was not so.

Although it had been knitted so long ago, it was so entwined, that I had to resort to cutting it which caused lots of small pieces of twine. The cutting process was painful for me, yet very real. It took a very long time, I wanted to give up so many times, thinking this is just too hard. And yet I was thankful it was a hard and long process because it showed that something made with such love should take a long time to unravel. If it had unravelled with one pull, it wouldn’t have been so strong and well-made and maybe I would have to question its strength in the first place.  But it took almost as long to unravel as it did to remake something new. This gave me a strange comfort, a validation that the original knitting was not a waste of time, or for nothing.   

Ecclesiastes 4:12 – “A three corded strand is not so easily broken”.  

 

 And yet after a lot of time cutting and ripping and pulling it was all unravelled. All the pieces, in

various sizes.  What was once whole pieces of coloured strands of wool was now all in pieces. What was once knitted together to create a whole piece, a unique design that gave me warmth, shelter, covering, joy, and life was now gone. Some might look at the original jumper and say, well it was very dated, very 80’s, maybe it was time for something new. For me, while I like new things, the old is still special to me and there is something about the love and memories created over time that can never be replaced with something new. But as we are all learning, life throws the unexpected at you and sometimes the old must go, sometimes it is cut, ripped, and pulled away from you and you have no choice but to begin again. 

I was left with the process of tying the broken pieces together to make a new ball of wool, a combination of all the colours, all the threads of the past creation, connected with knots.  

The ball of wool showed its imperfections, its brokenness, and yet the hope of something new that could be remade, rather than the option I had only known before, that it simply needed to be thrown away.

To begin again with the wool that carries all those memories, experiences and lessons, brings the old into the new and creates something better than new.  Or so I have been told. 

 

As I considered what I could reknit, I knew I was not up to re-knitting a jumper. I am not sure how I even knitted the first one, with all its intricate designs. I knew I was only up to making something simple, something that showed me something “new and functional” was possible from these broken strands of wool. 

 
I began to re-knit, to re-use the wool that had been unravelled and created something that now sits on my bed, carrying the memories, the joys, and the griefs of the past. It was all the colours mixed, rather than the colours being separated as in the original design, and yet speaks to me of the hope of something new.  It is not as functional as the original, more of a decoration, a memorial even. This time it was knitted with tears, the original being knitted with love, but none the less it is new. 
 

“Forget about what’s happened; don’t keep going over old history. Be alert, Be present. 

I’m about to do something brand-new” Isaiah 43:18-19

 
To re-knit or not to re-knit, that is always the question? I’m trusting God that the only option is to re-knit and trust in that process. Right now, I am “faking it till I make it”, one day at a time. The new cushion reminds me each day it’s a choice and yet it gives me a smile of the past as I press forward to the new.  
 

It's Solvable, in a world where so much is not.

I can’t believe how many puzzles I have done in the past 12 months and why I am enjoying them so much. I can get lost in them, no matter how hard they are.  

 

The word ‘puzzle’ infers a mystery, something to be solved that might not otherwise be.  But actually, if you persist, they are all solvable. Every piece will have a place if you persist long enough. When doing a puzzle, you know that determination and patience pay off because it can be finished. The fact is that each shape doesn’t need to change, it just is, and more than that it is a vital piece, just the way it is. Even those pieces that are all the same colour, their unique shape makes them important to simply fit in a particular place and allow the puzzle to be completed. The piece can’t say, no I don’t want to fit there, it just does. It can’t say, I want to change shape. If it did, then the puzzle could never be completed.  Each piece is perfect just the way it is, and by finding its place its purpose is fulfilled.

 

This doesn’t mean the process is easy. You can spend hours and hours and not feel like you are getting anywhere. I had friend with me when I was at the stage where I had the sky left on a puzzle and literally there were 50-60 pieces that were all the same colour blue. She looked and said, “this is the stage I simply quit and pack it up. You can see it is a sky, what’s the point of finishing it? It so frustrating.” 

 

Instead, I spent hours of meticulously placing piece by piece into a slot knowing that out of the 50 or so potential pieces one would fit perfectly if I persevered. 

 

And there are those moments where one of the pieces of the puzzle is in the wrong place. You feel stuck and find that many other pieces don’t fit. It throws the whole puzzle off.  It can look right, but there is a subtle uniqueness to each piece so they all only fit on one place. You need to really look and spend quality time putting everything in its rightful place. There are times I’m required to re-do parts of the puzzle to get back on track, but this is never the puzzle’s fault, this is always my mistake. Quitting is an option, but persevering it always worth it, to solve the mystery, the “puzzle”. Of course, we are not solving anything, this puzzle has been solved already; planned and created for a perfect finished result. I am merely learning as I go, what the creator has already planned out long ago. 

 

So, while I am observing all this, I am wondering to myself, why do I keep doing puzzles? I mean it’s not like I desperately want to see the picture. I only have to look on the box to get that sort of enjoyment. Like my friend said, you can see it is a blue sky, so why do you have to finish it? 

 

Besides all the metaphors and deep reflection that has come with this pondering, I think for me it is simply that in a complicated world and life, especially when COVID hit and we were all faced with so much that no longer made sense, or that we could do nothing about, the fact that puzzles are solvable was simply a relief. I knew that even if it took me a long time, if I was going to put a whole lot of effort and time into it, the result was going to be a perfect puzzle at the end where every piece fit and every piece mattered. The fact was that the result was assured from the start, the end was clear and if I simply played my part the result would be a 100% success. In a world where there is little you can say that about, it is a comfort for a time. The fact that the pieces were not going to change shape or colour mid-stream, created for me a comfort in that it was a known challenge and I knew what I had signed up for.  There was the occasion where a piece would go missing, which I was fully able to acknowledge was a fault on my part, not the puzzle’s fault.  I could live with that slight disappointment knowing that it didn’t change the fact that the puzzle would always be solvable.  

 

“It is finished”. (John 19:30) 

 

The promise of Jesus story is the same for me. “It is finished” His final words, which promise that the price is paid, the end is assured, the hope is real. Each piece is finally in place, so the whole picture is revealed for those who are willing to see it, accept it and surrender to it. The mystery of the puzzle of life is solved in Him. It is the only thing that makes sense to me right now and it is the only thing I can be assured of. 

 

So, this is a journey of learning as I go, knowing that I am simply called to persevere, not give up, delve deeply, appreciate each piece is unique and special and has a place. I choose to trust there will be times when all I can see is so many pieces, that I don’t know where they all go right now, even acknowledging that some may be lost through no fault of the creator, but knowing that in the end, “it is finished”.   

 

“For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith”. (1 John 5:4) 

 

Do I really want to be like you?

I wrote a children’s song called “I want to be like you”. I love to sing it with kids and teach them about the importance of allowing God to shape and mould us.  I have always considered it was about as we grow and need to be mouldable to His will as we develop and mature, especially for our children. 

 

“The potter moulds and makes, bends and breaks, design me to be, a servant for you.”

 

As I have done the actions over and over again; the bending, breaking, the shaping, the moulding, and the deep desire I have had to “want to be like God” in life, it is something that has been my prayer since I was a child.  

 

I have loved the visual of the clay and the ability to feel it in my hands and imagine shaping and moulding clay as I long to see people’s lives shaped and moulded by Him, and also my own life. 

 

Whoever said the simple promises of God cannot be powerful at any age, is clearly mistaken. This song and its promises have struck a deep chord with me recently and I am not sure I can even sing the song at the moment without feeling like an imposter.

 

I realise that lately I have been that clay that has arrogantly been saying to the potter, “what are you making?” And questioning not only the moulding and making, but especially the bending and breaking of how the Potter has been making me more like Him lately.  We can so easily say, ‘yes Lord, bend and break me’ until He does and then all we can say is, “what are you making?” And to be honest I have been very angry with the Potter.  

 

Isaiah 45:9 

 

“Woe to those who quarrel with their maker, those who are nothing but potsherds among the potsherd on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, What are you making? Does your work say, “The potter has no hands?”

 

It would seem I have been doing exactly that. I have simply been saying to God, I am done, I am out, I don't like this anymore and I don't want to be broken and bent and shaped by you any longer.  I am a potsherd - a broken piece of pottery. I am shattered on the ground and I would like you to simply sweep me up and place me in the bin. I am done. 

 

I am ashamed for all those years I have urged children and people to allow God to bend and break them so they can be more like Him. I have prayed that for my life, but now I want to take it all back and say, ‘enough, it is too hard, it is too painful, I simply don't want to do this anymore’. Of course, I still want to be more like God, but I didn't know it would cost this much, and be this painful. To feel so broken and discarded and rejected is so painful. And yet my deeper embarrassment is that I have been teaching this to kids who are living in this space and have been discarded and rejected most of their life. What a hypocrite I have been. 

 

Isaiah 40:29

 

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak” 

 

I have been so busy loving and sharing out of my strength and happy to minster from this space, but I realise I am not sure if I can love and share out of weakness. I mean true weakness, weakness that means you are simply ground up broken pieces of clay that sit on the potter’s floor.  The small bits that you simply sweep up and put into the bin. The broken bits that get trodden on and ground down to dust and become simple a gritty pain under your feet. When, you feel that weak and weary, how can He do anything from that? 

 

Genesis 2: 7

 

“Then the Lord god Formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and the man became a living being.”

 

Hmmm…I mean really, no matter how low I go and long for a valid excuse to say I am finished, dust to be swept away, I have nothing more to give or do, I am just looking for any excuse to not have to do the painful work of being reshaped, remoulded. I certainly don't want to be broken any more. And I certainly don't want to be in leadership anymore where I must sing that song and encourage others to go on the journey of being moulded and shaped and broken by the potter. It is too painful and hard. 

 

When you get to the space and we all do at times, we are faced with a choice. I can either choose to sit in a pity party or I can be open to that fact that even when your life is dust, He can breathe life into it. New life, transforming life, life that you cannot yet possibly see or imagine. Help me to choose to sing: 

 

                   I want to be like you, 

                   I am changing day by day.

                   teach me Lord, and show me how, 

                   to grow to be more like you

                   …design me to be more like you.

 

What is your foundation?

 “If you work these words into your life, you are like a smart carpenter who built his house on solid rock. Rain poured down, the river flooded, a tornado hit - but nothing moved that house. It was fixed to the rock” (Matt 7:25- The Message) 

 

 

So many know the story of the man who built his house upon the rock and the man who built his house upon the sand.  I wonder how many others there are, like me, who read that story and can only think of the song you learned when you were a child in Sunday school.  It’s a great story and a great visual parable that is all too known and familiar. Or so I thought.  I feel like in my 50’s my literal, visual and foundational faith is constantly being rocked, (pardon the puns), or maybe simply it’s the reminder that we never stop learning and what we think is childlike knowledge that we all know, God is always transforming and building upon.  Or maybe He is simply showing me that I am a slow learner. 

 

When I have read and taught this parable all these years, I have always seen the promise of building your life on a firm foundation and when the storms come, and the tornados hit and the river floods, because you have built on a firm foundation, your house will not be moved, it will not crash or crack, it is fixed to the rock. I know that is what the ‘message’ says, and I have taken that so literally that I think it has become a stumbling block for me in recent years. It is the danger with the parables, especially when we teach them to young children who see things so literally. I have been so happy to confidently teach this to kids and adults alike, with no hesitation that choosing to build your house upon the rock of Jesus, you can be assured that what you build will stand firm and not be moved.

 

But the fact remains, that houses do still fall, even when they are built on a firm foundation. Sure, they have a better chance of surviving floods and storms than a house that is built on the sand, but none the less, they still crack, they still move, sometimes they crash down, and sometimes they need to be re-built completely. 

 

So, when we are faced with the real life reality and read the parables and they don't seem to add up, what do we do? 

 

How does one read this story/truth in the Bible, when they are living in the reality of their house crashing down around them?  When from the beginning of building your life, you have desired and chosen to build on God’s firm foundational rock, and while never perfect it is what you endeavoured to do and yet you stand in the rubble of a crashed down house.  The storm hit, the tornado came, the floods flowed through and the house crumbled. This has happened over and over again with people all through time and all over the world, and I know it is the time when many walk away from His stories and truth and look for something else to build their life on. 

 

I am thankful for the ways in which God is calling me to deeper and deeper understanding of His truth and want to ask for forgiveness if I have led anyone astray with my confidant and thoughtless sprouting of these parables and truths as if there is something wrong with you if you are standing in a crashed house and wondering where is God in this space? I know in recent years I have been that person, and the glib answers and prayers that you can be given in these spaces are not helpful, in fact that can be very harmful. It’s why we must know Who is our firm foundation in these challenging times.

 

It is hard to read these stories through the lens of pain, loss and despair, and yet that lens helps us to see truth that we would not have seen before. Words can often fail us and confuse us and yet, if we can sit with them and our loving Father just a little longer, we can see He has so much to show us. 

 

Today, I saw with new eyes that it is the foundation that remains. It is the foundation of who He is and what He promises that is what will not be moved. And yes, all that is built upon it will be stronger and more secure if it is built on the rock, but not everything that is built by man’s hands and plans will stand the test of time and the storms of life.  There is a distinct difference between, what we build into our lives (faithfulness, peace, joy, love, grace, forgiveness etc) because of the Rock we stand on, and what we build from the rock that is here today and gone tomorrow.  The literal one in me wanted to believe that because I have built something here on earth on the truths of the Rock (my God) that it should never crash, fall or crack and that is not correct. The promise of this story is that when what we build here on this earth crashes, falls or cracks, it is the foundation that remains, and the only chance of rebuilding, recovering, remaining amidst the loss and pain that life deals you is what you are left standing on.  His unmovable, unshakable, unrockable foundation. The world can try to take everything away from you, but it cannot take away His love, His faithfulness, His peace, His joy, His grace, His forgiveness … His … you put whatever word there, if it is from Him it will not be moved. 

 

 

“They are foundational words, words to build a life on.”  (Matthew 7:24) 

 

There are times in life when you might feel that they are all that you have, my prayer is to stay on the search for the rest of my life for HIM to be all that I need. 

 

 

I want the road map

It was one of those days on the trip when I had a lot of driving all around a busy city. I had 5-6 appointments/ meetings to go to and I knew that it would be a big day of getting from one place to another.  I looked at each place on google and worked out roughly what timing would be okay, but of course I had never been to any of these places and never driven around this city before, especially in an 8-metre van.   But for me the day began with a sense of excitement, for while I didn't know exactly where I was going, I was excited for the challenge. I didn't give it another thought, until I met a lady before I left who, when she asked about my day and I told her, her first response was, “In that van! Oh my, that’s a big thing to do. Where are you going, can I help you in case you get stuck?” To which my reply was, “I don't know where I am going, I only know where I am heading first up!” She said I was brave and went on her way.  I didn't feel brave at all, I suppose over the years I have just been able to take each step as it comes and enjoy the adventure of it. I mean, I didn’t really care which way “google” took me today, as long as I got there in the end. Today, like the past 4 months really, I have been happy to see where the journey takes me and sometimes the detours or unexpected/unplanned roads I have travelled have been the most interesting and enlightening experiences.  

 

So, the question remains, why is it so easy to drive into the unknown around Australia and not so easy for life in general?  I can have a rough map of where I want to aim for and then set off and see where it takes me when it comes to driving around Australia. I can actually find it quite exciting and freeing. But when I don't know what is around the corner in my life, I am paralysed. 

 

But in my head, I know that when you are walking on the journey with Jesus, you can read the instruction manual, there are helpful guidelines along the way and you know the final destination. He gives you are a purpose along the way and things to do, and says He wants us to have life to the full (John 10:10). Why can’t that be enough, just hit the road and see where life takes you and Jesus? 

 

Ah, no. Instead, I am in a pickle, because I don't know what is around the corner. I can’t see what is next! As if COVID didn't teach us that even when we think we know, we actually don’t. And yet, I am still unable to just go with the flow. I just can’t seem to live life as easily as a road trip and see the adventure of it so much these days and I suspect I am not the only one. 

 

I used to, but that was when I thought I knew what my future looked like.  Like many today, I stare down the future barrel and find so much has been whisked away.  It could be you have no job, no marriage, loss of a deep friendship, no idea what ministry looks like, unsure of income and how to survive, loss of house, children all leaving home or all the above.  Why can’t I see that God’s end game and promises still haven’t changed and find enough assurance in that to simply take the next step in the journey and trust God for the rest? 

 

It seems I not only want the road map, I want it clearly marked out, so I can see every step of the way. To be fair on myself, I may not need to know exactly where I am going when I drive, but I do know at any time I want to know, I can simply talk to ‘google’.  There is an assurance in that for sure. So, I take the approach, ‘I only need to know what I only need to know’.  I feel like that is the approach I have lived by for a long time in most things, which is fine until you find that what you thought you knew has changed and now you have no idea what you know. I think I just lost myself in my own writing and yet I think it makes sense (ha ha). 

 

When we don't know what is next and when the ‘why’ is not clear, that’s when I am learning that I am asking the wrong questions. 

 

“Shift from asking why God allows hard things to learning how to rely on Him in the midst of circumstances that make you resistant to trust”. Lisa Terkusrt  

Yes, I want to the road map and is that such an unreasonable request?  I suspect the key word there is “the”, if I am honest, I want “the” road map that makes sense to me. However, “the” road map has been there since the beginning. It is all there in His word, but it is just not as directional as we would like it or, let’s be honest, it’s often NOT the roads we might personally choose if we were in control. Surrendering to God’s map is what He asks us of all. To let go of your own “road map” and to stop asking why we can’t go in that direction is what we must do. Then all we CAN do is trust Him and learn to be happy with making the next best step at the time, based on where He is leading us.

“Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There’s far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can’t see now will last forever."     

2 Cor 4:10-18 The message          

 

“Help me Lord, to only need to know what I need to know and trust you for the rest. Help me to stop asking the “why” question and begin to ask “what next”. Lord, I want to thrive and not simply survive, and that means letting go of what I cannot see and learning to enjoy the moment that is right in front of me, knowing you know the final destination.”