Joy is a Choice

This particular day in lockdown felt like it could sting. My daughter turned 21 and we could not celebrate it the way we had planned, the family was all separated and not able to be together.  COVID has affected us all in so many difficult, tragic and inconvenient ways. Some we can laugh off and let it go, some that sting. I know there has been much pain and loss for so many and the question is how we face it and move forward. 

 

It is when we feel separated, isolated, on the outside looking in, restricted even from human touch, or completely cut off which can happen in multiple ways; that grief, panic, anxiety, fear and tears and anger can take a hold. 

 

I wrote on my daughter’s card: 

 

“This is not the day we planned, but we are learning this is the day we have. Live it well, make the best of each moment and today, like any other day can be a happy one” 

 

A day that could have stung, ended up having some lovely highs, because we chose to make the best of little moments that we could have. The isolation made me more aware of the things that are most precious and allowed me to grieve more deeply for what I no longer have. Most importantly, I did not let the pain and loss destroy the joy.

 

As one so much wiser than me said: 

 

“Joy is possible even amid great labours – the labour of dying, the labour birthing, and the labours between. We cannot force it. But we can create moments to breathe through labour pains and surrender our senses to the present moment, notice the colours and light and feeling of being alive, here, together, joy comes more easily…….Joy returns us to everything good and beautiful and worth fighting for…joy is the gift of love: it makes the labour an end it itself. I believe labouring in joy is the meaning of life” (Valarie Kaur, 2020)

 

I reminisced where I was 21 years ago when my daughter was born and pondered on all that I had back then.  During the ‘actual’ labour, there were so many moments of joy that I took for granted, that now feel lost amidst complication and pain. 

I know this day could have gone many ways. I had the choice to bring joy or pain, grief or laughter, possibilities or giving up, love or pity, grace or unforgiveness, prickly or soft, hope or hopelessness. Every moment was a choice. Every moment is a choice. And often it is not a choice I can make in my own strength.

This is not the life I planned, but I am learning that this is the life I have…………I choose to live it well, to make the most of each moment and choose today and each day from now on, that there will be happy moments again. 

 

“Performance of joy while the wounds are still being inflicted is not a display of otherworldly strength. It is an act of faith that God will not give us more than we can bear”. (R. Rohr, 2021)

 

I am thankful for my loving Heavenly Father who holds me up every step of the way. I would not and could not, do it in my own strength. I know we all have those days that sting, those times when life throws you something that seems too hard to bear, when the day or life you planned falls apart.  It is in these moments we must choose to believe that that ‘labouring in joy IS the meaning of life.’

 

 

 

 

 

You can't handle the truth

There is a movie that is still a favourite of mine called “A few good men”. It stars Jack Nicholson, Tom Cruise and Demi Moore. 

 

Jack Nicholson plays a colonel in the US Army who carries lies and half-truths with him because he truly believes that nobody really wants to hear the truth. He is finally put on a stand in court to testify and you can see that he doesn’t see anything wrong with his behaviour. When he is questioned and challenged, he defiantly says, “you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall”. His statement is saying, you need me to lie and tell half-truths because I am protecting you, I am doing this for your own good. It is amazing how much we as humans so quickly come to believe our own lies as a sort of new “truth”.  

 

It is a very powerful scene in the movie. When Tom Cruise’s character challenges him to tell the truth, he finally breaks and says, “You can’t handle the truth”. You know he wants to say it, the lies and half-truths. They have been eating at him for a long time. So much so that he no longer knows what’s right and wrong anymore. It all got mixed up in the job he believes he was asked to perform. He believes to protect the American people he had no choice but to hide the truth and fall into too more and more lies. Until murder and deception had become so common that he believed it was all a part of his job. The sad thing was that the lies had him so backed into a corner that he ended up hurting those he most sought to protect and train.

 

I remember spending time learning how to mimic Jack Nicholson’s characterful as he said these words – “You can’t handle the truth”. I would find opportune times to quote it in my life to those around me, mostly to get laughs but often to break the tension of a tough situation where the real truth may have hurt. 

 

We applauded the movie and the great dialogue and the characters. We mocked and laughed at his character being so full of himself and super confident. But if we are honest, we know that deep down, there are some truths that we don’t want to ever tell for fear they will hurt, destroy, reveal and things will never be the same. And like “Col. Nathan R Jessup” (Jack Nicholson’s Character in the movie) we find ourselves dancing around half-truths and lies that back us into corners sometimes we don’t know how to get out of.

 

The hidden affairs of the heart, the things we do with our time behind closed doors, the half -truths we hide from our loved ones in order to not face conflict, the stories we embellish to make sure it all looks good on the surface. Richard Rohr would say this is the “false self” we so desperately want the world to see. We are all guilty of it. I wonder if that is why it is so hard to believe in a God who knows all and sees all. This is so scary to consider; believing in a God who you cannot fool or hide from. 

 

"Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden."  (Genesis 3:8 NIV)

 

From the beginning of time, we have tried to hide our half-truths. But I really do believe there is more danger in living in a “hiding the truth” stance, for fear of hurting someone. As painful as it is, I believe the truth can truly set us free. 

 

My children are moving into adulthood and at the age of considering deep relationships with possible life partners. If I only had one thing that I could tell my kids about relationships, it would be to “tell the truth, no matter how scary or even hurtful”. It is only in the ‘truth’ that you can truly love and live fully real lives. ‘Truth’ will bring as much joy and freedom as it will pain and challenge, you just can’t have one without the other.

 

We live in a world of half-truths and coverups, a lot of suspicion and disbelief. It is hard to know the truth and it seems that you are free to make your own truth. It is a confusing world. God’s truth is disputed and twisted all the time. Here in lies the deception. The enemy has had this plan all along, since in the beginning in the garden. 

 

It is a sobering thought, but we must decide how we will live. Do you want to be a person of truth? Then start with the relationships that means the most to you.  The ones you can’t bear to lose.  Choose a foundation of truth, honesty and openness. Let them see the real you, warts and all, and trust that true love will get you through whatever painful truth will reveal. If it doesn’t get you through, then it is still better than living with the “you can’t handle the truth” life that will never last or lead to anything real. 

 

God says “I know you; I have called you, I have loved you, I forgive you, I have died for you and all your half-truths you have tried to hide from the world.” It doesn’t get more truthful than that. 

 

Will we surrender to him and to each other? Test and see, the truth will truly set you free. 

Are our Churches/Children just “seedless watermelons”?

I have always been fascinated with trees. They are so beautiful and majestic.  Each country has its  own unique trees and Jamaica is no exception.

I was stopped by an impressive tree. It was large and strong, the roots were clearly deep as well as coming out in all directions. There was a smaller plant right beside it, being shadowed by it and growing up healthy and strong beside it. The large tree had beautiful reddish fruit on it, which I soon found out was a “Jamaican apple”. 

There are so many things I learn from trees and nature. God challenges me every time with new things. I was given the apple to eat and it was very different to an apple in Australia. It was soft and almost pear/peach like in texture, but it was white and fluffy. As I was enjoying the fruit, I noticed it had a large hard seed in the middle.

Psalm 1 says “but those whose delight is in the Law of the Lord, and who mediates on His Law day and night, that person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season.”

Leadership, parenting … these are challenging things. They require much delighting in God’s word and His truth to be able to yield fruit. How I long to yield fruit! As I ate the apple, being such a new experience, I loved the reminder of how nourishing fruit can be and how precious it is to be able to bear fruit for others to enjoy. How important it is that we as leaders and parents actually produce fruit that sustains others, that we focus on how we attract and sustain those we lead, and make sure our fruit is appetising enough that they want to eat it. Which is hard these days, as there are so many other options than a healthy piece of fruit, which are available all the time, not just in season.  You know how horrible it can be when you eat fruit that is out of season, and that just can’t compete with the many other sweet and now artificial options that our children and people would much rather eat than healthy and natural fruit. 

But this big large seed that I was left with, caught my attention. It was hard and strong and significant. Of course you can’t eat it, so we often throw it away after eating the fruit. Well, at least in the western world we do. So, as I was about to throw it away, I realised that this is such an important part of the fruit.  Without the seed, there is not new and sustaining life. The seed needs to be replanted for it to grow. 

It is one thing for me as a leader or parent to delight in the Lord so that I may grow and yield fruit, but if that fruit is not then taken, consumed and replanted, its enjoyment and value only lasts for moments. Very quickly we find we want more and more of the light fluffy flesh without understanding the fruit has a seed of replenishing life that is important to be replanted for life to continue. 

It made me consider in Western Society how much we love

the “Seedless Watermelon”, a recent human creation to make the fruit easy to consume. When we serve fruit platters we cut out all the seeds so it is all easily consumable and looking ascetically pleasing. I know I love mandarins, (which are small oranges), but I specifically look for the ones with no seeds because the number of seeds in a normal mandarin drives me crazy to eat. Our children today are growing up believing that Watermelons and Mandarins have no seeds. Sure, it is much easier to eat, but what does it say to our children? What does that subconsciously teach us all?

I wonder how many of our churches, our programs, our ministries are like “seedless fruit”? Tasty and attractive, but without seeds that get replanted into the souls and hearts that come, so that they might be able to grow and yield their own fruit?  How often are our churches centred around the leader’s spiritual strength, that might come from delighting in the Lord and His word and bearing fruit that is delicious to eat, but by the next week those that came last week are craving for more to sustain them another week? 

Francis Chan tells a story of a Mega Church pastor in Seoul. He asked “How can I get my people to leave and live by faith? He explained how he had become really proficient at gathering people together but his intention was to get them to disperse to share the Gospel and live by faith. But now they had grown comfortable and didn't want to leave” (F. Chan, “Letters to the Church”, p 153)

As parents, we can be so meticulous about cutting up bite sizes of fruit and taking out the seeds or much worse feeding them substitutes to healthy fruit all together and not actually giving them the seeds of what they actually need to grow up and bear their own fruit.  Please, know that I am not just talking about feeding our kids healthy fruit with seeds here. (Although that is important as well). 

Whatever space we are in as leaders or parents, let’s be careful that we are bearing fruit that comes with a seed of truth. 

   “A farmer went out to sow his seed” Mathew 13:3

A seed of truth that can be replanted and grow independent of us being there. We are called to plant the seed, and God will grow it, but if we are only giving out fluffy, sweet fruit with no seeds, we have missed the point of being planted deeply in God and the blessing that comes with it.  This is not about yielding a fruit for ourselves, or unto ourselves, or drawing people towards us. It is so that the seed of truth may not only prosper in us but also spread to the ends of the earth.  

I want to see my children grow and become bigger, stronger trees than I can ever be. I long to see those I am called to lead, go and plant their own trees and reproduce over and over again. But it must start with me and the question, “Am I bearing seedless fruit?”

A "Royal" Mission

The recent Royal Wedding captured so many of us around the world; the “true fairytale” in so many ways. Much of the world stopped...I watched it on a laptop during my lunchbreak at a conference. The castles, the carriage, the dress, the tiara … it was all beautiful and brought joy to so many people, of course much more to Megan and Harry. In Australia it seems worlds away to have castles and guards and open-top carriages, marching bands and titles like “queen”, “King”, “Duke” and “Duchess”. 

When we think of castles, we think of wealthy, privileged and blessed. Positions (titles) and opportunities where people are treated in a special way. The perception is that “princesses” and “princes” have all they need, can do all they want, when they want. While there is some truth to that, we all know that to a much greater extent, with “much power comes much responsibility” and there are a lot of challenges in these positions. But let’s just stay in the fairytale for a minute. 

I said to someone in passing while watching the Royal Wedding that “In Australia we don't have castles.”  I know, like myself, many little Australian girls long to be a “Princess” and many boys a “King or ‘Prince”. Nearly every Disney movie has the same theme and they keep bringing them out because it captures something for us all that we secretly long for. Harry and William, and now recently Megan have helped this as they project such an amazing life, or so it seems. Then it struck me, maybe we do have castles and princes and princesses in Australia. They just look different. 

I saw a vision of the castles many of our children in Australia have around them. They have their own spaces, bedrooms/playrooms, filled with every toy and thing they desire, with servants (parents) hovering around them, “cotton wooling them” to make sure they are safe and don’t get hurt. Our houses are often surrounded by walls/gates sometimes with an alarm, to make sure they are safe. Education is easily assessable to them, yet they endure it. If they are sick, they have the capacity/resources to get help, even having elective treatment for cosmetic/exterior (non-essential) procedures because they can and need to keep up with their friends.  May I go even so far as say they have security guards (Parents) making sure that they are safe as they venture out to do ballet, drama, soccer, art, speech. As they are chauffeured around, there is little they have to do without; food when they are hungry, entertainment at their fingertips, every form of opportunity to learn all forms of the “arts” and more. We create stages for them to perform on and no matter how untalented they are, they are told how wonderful they are and get awards for giving it a go, protecting them from the truth in fear that we might hurt their feelings. At the end of every transition of education and/or extra curricula activity there is a ceremony, where they pretend to be the “princesses” and “princes” they long to be. This is starting even at the age of 5 in some places as they transition from Preschool to School. It is sometimes hard to keep up with and get to all the occasions. 

I know this sounds like a very negative slant on our “privileged life”. I know that we have only done all this out of a desire for the best for our kids.  But if it was BEST then why are our kids so Troubled? Entitled? Bored? Depressed? Stressed? Suicidal? So many sit on top of their ivory castles, looking out at the world, and although they have everything they are lost.  I walk with many of them and it breaks my heart to hear their daily struggles and how they see the world. 

It scares me to hear that the highest rate of suicide is in some of the more opulent suburbs of our country. 

What a castle we have created for our children, in the hope that they will be happy and safe and yet all we have created is a place that traps them from exploring the adventure of life, to discover that happiness comes through conquering adversity and that true growth comes from falling down and getting back up again.

Church leaders add to that as we create another place for them to be entertained, safe, comfortable, in hope that they feel loved and a sense of belonging. I wonder what we can teach them when we are wrestling with the same “lostness” at times.  Recently, a children's ministry leader, when hearing about how children in poverty see Jesus as their hero asked, “How can they be happy and see Jesus as their hero when they are poor?” The lady working in these poor countries graciously said, “It is not in what we have but who we are in Jesus that gives these kids cause to call Jesus their hero.” The Western worker was stunned. If we as adults, parents, leaders in the Western world don't get the key to “real and fulfilling love and life” then we will keep protecting our kids, saving them and shielding them from this important part of growing up. We think that building castles around them is actually the right and loving thing to do, but it is weakening them from the inside out.  

What good is a castle if it doesn't build strength and security and a positive hope for the future? What good is all the privilege and opportunity in the world if it doesn't lead us to freedom and empowerment to be a part of positive change in the world around us?

The fact is we ARE all a part of His royal family. He has gone to prepare a mansion for us. For so many children in Australia, even the incredible blessings we do have here on this earth NOW are being wasted, because it is either not enough or we have believed the lie that we deserve more.  We are busy building our castles and Jesus is wanting to break in and help our children see the simple truth, that none of this will matter in the end; what you do or don't have. What will matter is what you did with what you were given and how you used it for something greater than yourself. We are called to be “producers” not “consumers” in this world. A good “King” or “Queen” knows that is the end goal. How can we help our kids come out of their “castles” and experience life to the full? I want to be a part of that “Royal” mission.

The "Parent" Dance

In England, there is a famous “ritual” called the “Changing of

the guard”. It is a very clear signal of change. The old guard forms on the north side and the new guard forms on the south side, a royal salute signals the handing over of the old guard and the new guard. There is a sequence, everyone knows, there are no surprises, nothing unsure. The march is set and the change is clearly complete. It is full of intentionality, ceremony, celebration and pride. It is done with expertise, precision and it is very clear, the old guard is OFF and the new guard is ON.  People travel from all over the world to see it, but it is more than ceremony, it is fulfilling a very important job of protecting the monarchy of England. 

There are many times as a parent, that the duty is clear, the “march” is set out, the change is obvious. The times in life where your child starts school, moves from primary school to high school, when they can drive, from a legal perspective when they can drink alcohol, when they are legally able to go to a club, when they move from single to married. These are obvious signs of the “change”, the old has gone the new has come, things have changed. We (or maybe it is just me) like to live in the black and white zone … knowing what is right and wrong, what is a YES and NO, what has come and gone, where we stand, basically on everything. It is so much easier. 

And YET… parenting is more often than not, a DANCE, rather than the “Changing of the guard.” I can just see the comical portrayal of what the “Changing of the Guard” would look like as a dance; a back and forward, teetering from ‘yes’ to ‘no’ to ‘yes’ to ‘maybe’ to ‘are you sure’ to ‘YES’ to ‘rack off’ to ‘if I have to” to “no.” I probably lost most of you then, but that is the dance that goes on in my head as a parent of teenagers learning to become adults. 

The challenging, yet never boring “dance” of a parent who longs to walk alongside their child, empowering them to become an adult and yet never quite knowing which step to take at times, to lead them towards the end goal.  Never quite knowing when we are leading or following, coming or going, listening or speaking, stepping up or stepping out, and at any time a quick “change step” must happen, which often takes you by surprise.

I wonder what that looks like in your world?   For my world, it’s the time where she wants her independence shopping, until she wants me to go to the toilet with her, or when she wants me to pay for something. It’s the time when he wants to stay out late as long as he wants, until he needs a lift home and we are to drop everything and go and get him. The time when she can drive and have independence until she crashes and needs saving to get back on her feet again. The time where he moves out, until he gets stuck and needs to save more money so he wants to come back home. The time when you can’t touch her or say anything, until she snuggles into you or wants you to say she looks great, and you clearly didn't get the memo. We have all been there. Oh, the dance we dance, when “no” is not always “no” and “yes” is not always “yes” and more importantly when “no” is actually “yes”.

I have recently had the privilege of being intricately involved in the last week of a young woman getting married, the last night in the house before moving into her new house with her new husband, the many preparations of the ‘changing of the guard”, from single to married. And while the changes are clear, the ceremony is well rehearsed, there is pride, celebration and joy, yet it is not without the ‘dance’. It is an interesting place as a parent to say goodbye to your child to marriage, to understand that the rules have changed and to navigate the dance well.  I have watched this family up close. It has been a privileged and a blessing to get this glimpse, before I will dance this particular dance myself in the future. 

That last night in the house, the final signals that a change is about to happen, the joy and sadness all mixed in together. The look of confidence on the new bride as she has everything organised and ready, until one thing goes wrong and she looks at her mum with eyes that say “fix it”. The beauty of dad walking (marching) his little girl down the aisle to the new man in her life and the words she utters beforehand - “don't look at me and I won’t look at you” - for they know they will both be crying with deep emotions that will distract them from this moment. That first dance, as a new bride and groom, which signals the last dance for Daddy to dance with his little girl. Of course, she will always be his little girl, but on this day some things have defiantly changed. Even on this day, where the “changing of the guard” is clear, it’s still a “parent’s dance”, it is exhausting and not easy to do well. But when done well, like any dance, it is beautiful, graceful and a joy to watch.

For a parent, I am not sure if it ever stops. For me this dance has only begun in the last few years, so I am still learning how to navigate it well. But one thing I do know, it is worth it, learning to dance it well. The cost is too high, not to. I have seen too many times when relationships and connections are lost because parents could not dance the dance well. 

I think it helps to name it, talk about it and acknowledge the “dance”. It is a start anyway. It is great to learn and watch others who have gone before and know that even when we mess up the steps, we can still choose to dance again. While I have seen it first-hand recently, it has reminded me of how well my mother and father danced the dance and the strong foundation that has given me over the years. I am so thankful for them and what they have taught me. The challenge is to simply keep getting better at the dance, and that requires practice, practice and practice. So, stay in the dance and never give up. Your relationship with your children is worth it and the gift you give them is a strong foundation to dance their own dance in time.

Parenting when you know nothing

Even when you know it is coming, you are never prepared for that moment when your children look at you as if you clearly “don’t know anything.” After all these years of being the one they run to when they are hurt, the one they find comfort in when they feel lost, the one they trust to fix it when things get broken, the one they turn to for advice and wise counsel.  They are special times and I say to anyone with young children ... DON'T WISH IT AWAY. Boy, they seem like easy times now! 

I feel like I am at the stage of parenting where my thoughts really don't count for much, until they need money.  A humbling place indeed! I thought I was tougher. I truly have been heart broken when they look at me as if I come from “mars” and “dis” me without a second thought. 

My biggest challenge is to be quiet and listen and especially to know, when I do decide to speak, what to say. Lately, I feel I am getting it wrong more than right, I feel like I am drowning in a sea of "Speech" bubbles, which confirms that I clearly “don't know anything at all.” Mostly, I am learning to pray a lot, listen more and trust that the foundation we have planted in them is enough. This is not the time to begin developing a relationship. This is the time to have a lot of credit in the LOVE bank to get you through this stage. I am praying I have enough credit to get through.  

I implore anyone with young kids to make sure you fill the bank of LOVE and TIME and RELATIONSHIP and CONSISTENCY to overflowing when they are young. It will be necessary when they hit their teens and young adult years.  

These are the times when you really need a VILLAGE you can trust. I am thankful that we have been able to surround ourselves with great people who can be that voice that I no longer can be in this stage of my kids’ lives. I implore anyone with primary age kids, make sure you intentionally plant other voices in your kids’ lives, people you know you are going to be happy with, so when you hit this stage, you can sleep at night knowing that what you can’t say, they can. 

These are the times when the VILLAGE must understand what “partnership" is and being for you and with you as parents and not against you. I know I have been guilty of listening to kids and wondering what their parents are doing? Now I realise that it is not always fair to just hear the teens’ perspective and not the parents.  When you do life truly together, you see it from all sides and are able to be a support to each other as parents as well as the voice of reason for each other’s kids. 

These are the times when you need your own VILLAGE so you can say to a friend or one older and wiser, “do you believe they said this?” and you instantaneously get that look from them that validates all you are feeling, and that says “OMG, I know how you feel!” You need others to keep you propped up, those who are further down the track, who smile at you in a way that says, “this too shall pass.”

I implore anyone with teenagers to make sure you have parents older than you in your VILLAGE who can assure you it is “just a phase.” I implore anyone with young adult children to make sure you know who you are in God and know that you can trust Him when your children venture out in the big wide world, believing they know everything. Thank God, He never leaves them. 

Your children are always your children, no matter what age they are. You love them and you ache for them and long for them to be happy. When you get to the young adult stage and you are told you clearly “know nothing”, the rules of the game change, so beware and be ready and don't do it alone. 

I am beginning to understand why Paul said, “Parents don't exasperate your children” (Col 3:21, Eph 6:4) It is becoming a harder and harder command for me to achieve. Lord, help me to keep quiet, pray harder and speak less, be patient, and trust that nothing we have said in the past was wasted, even if it might take a long time for me to “know anything” again.

A mothers rant on sex and love

As I sat and watched one of my favourite Aussie TV shows with my family, I was saddened as the young teen character decided that after ‘weeks’ of going out with his new girlfriend, they ‘loved’ each other so much that they wanted to have sex together. She was leaving town very soon, because she was only here on vacation when they met, so before she leaves they decide that having sex would be the best way to say goodbye to each other. 

He talks to his dad about it and while the father’s first response is “are you sure?” which indicates a little reservation, the son’s reply is “but I love her.”  So, the father and everyone in the family encourage him to “be safe” and “have a good time.” 

I am so sad that something so important in life (i.e love and sex) is seen as something so flippant. I know it is just the norm now. If you want to and it feels right, just do it. The teens I minister with think I am too conservative or think I don't know what I am talking about when I say, “wait.” They simply feel they know better. 

I have been married for 29 years and still my marriage and sex life, while wonderful, is certainly not simple or just a “bit of fun.” True love is complex and hard work and true intimacy is worth all the required self-sacrifice and other-centeredness that comes with it.

So, I ask, “How can you know in three weeks you really ‘love’ someone and simply see sex as, ‘if it feels good do it?’ I don't think the world is being honest as they disconnect sex from the deep emotions that go with it.  

The world tells us that the key is to “be protected” 

A poster I saw in the doctor’s surgery the other day said this: 

"Because sleeping with one person is sleeping with  many" 

So as a result the NSW Health Care's advice is: 

“Wear a condom and check for SDI’s whenever you start with a new partner.” 

There is nowhere on the poster that says there are other alternatives, no mention of the emotional scars that might result from giving yourself to many partners, and no sense that something so precious is really worth waiting to share with one person for a lifetime. 

I sit on the lounge with my 16 and 19 year olds and feel worried for the world they are in where the only morals we are allowed to talk about are, “if it feels good do it.”

It was interesting that when the father on the TV show wanted to talk in detail with the boy about what he was about to do, the boy was embarrassed and ran away. Interesting how somehow they can't talk about it with anyone and yet feel they are old enough and mature enough to actually do it. It is the same with the young people I work with. They won't talk about how they feel and what they are doing but are happy to give a precious part of themselves to anyone who gives them some attention. 

I know this is a topic no one really wants to talk about and yet relationships and love are the bases of nearly every movie, every book, every TV show, most songs, and the list goes on. Love and relationships are at the very core of who we are, the need for love and safety, for trust and acceptance, and yet no one seems to see that most of the problems we have in society today are due to the abuse of love, the lack of it, the misunderstanding of it and the deep need we have to acquire it. 

So how can something so deep and important to us have become so abused, misused and shallow? It seems if we make out that it doesn't really matter, then we fool ourselves into believing we won’t get hurt. 

I know it is not a new thing. It has always been there under the surface, but the changing culture even from when I was young, finds us in a place where it is even the ‘norm’ for Christians to sleep together. I am simply laughed at, to believe that to stay pure for your wedding night is even possible, not to mention that it is God's preference and desire for us all to commit to one person and to love them for a lifetime. 

I am simply sad for those who will never know that kind of love. For me, true intimacy is a glimpse of the way our Father in Heaven loves us; jealously and purely, unconditionally, completely, holding nothing back, sacrificially and completely other-centered.

I have been with my  lifelong partner for over 30 years. We have a long way to go to get close to “true intimacy” as stated above, but the adventure and rewards are worth it. It is a love like no other and I know that God longs for that for all his children. 

In John 4, the woman at the well was looking for love. She was so thirsty for love that she searched for it in many men. When she met Jesus, He said, “Anyone who drinks from this well will thirst again, but anyone who drinks the water I give, will never thirst again.”

If we give our love away so easily, how will we ever understand the pure love God longs for us to have with Him: not multiple Gods, just one jealous God who wants ALL of us! The Devil revels in watering down that kind of love. 

I am not sorry if this offends or sounds like a rant. If most TV shows, movies, books, songs, magazines, not to mention our Health Services, who are considered authorities we should listen to today, can so easily make statements about the way we should view sex and love, then surely I have a right to do so as well. If our young people are never given an alternate story, how will they ever know there is an alternative, a different way, a way that our Creator/Father made us so we might enjoy life to the full. (John 10:10)  

Stop yelling at me

It is always a great day when your son comes and asks for “help”. It is a sad day when you realise that just when you think you are helping, you are actually failing.

I could see my son shut down as I thought that I was answering his question and helping him. Here I am, thinking I am giving such good advice and something he really needs to hear, because, if he is asking for help, he must be willing to hear what wise counsel I have for him. But no, instead he is zoned out and then became quite withdrawn.  I could see I wasn't helping. 

No matter how I tried to backtrack, say it differently, it didn't matter, he was gone (in his mind anyway). 

Suffice to say, the night didn't end well and we all went to bed feeling a little down.

The next morning I went into him to ask him how he was feeling, as I knew how I was feeling and it wasn’t too positive. I love my son and hate to think we are not on good terms.

I asked him "what was not helpful about last night" and he said, "well, I wanted your help and all you could do was yell at me”. This confounded me, as there was no yelling, not even a heated conversation or harsh words, from what I could I remember, unless I missed something or blocked it out. It is not that, that hasn't happened many times, regretfully, but I was certain that this wasn't the case last night. 

As I have reflected later, there was definitely no yelling.  Yet it made me think that communication is an interesting thing. Here I think I am talking and yet my son feels like I am yelling. It didn't matter if it was because he didn't want to hear what I had to say. It didn't matter if what I had to say was completely helpful. It didn't even matter if it was the truth. What matters is that all he heard was “yelling”. 

When I thought I was trying to empower and challenge, Sam heard judgement and that he wasn't doing well enough. 

When I thought he was asking for my help regarding “big picture thinking”, he was asking for some “little practical keys” to help him get started. When he asked for help I thought he wanted to talk about it, when all he wanted was for us to practically do it together. 

So what could seem loving, even wise counsel to one person can simply sound like yelling to another. That is the scary part about communication. 

Richard Rohr in his book “Falling Upward”  talks about the fact that….. 

“from your own level of development, you can only stretch yourself to comprehend people just a bit beyond yourself. Some theorists say you cannot stretch more than one step above your own level of consciousness, and that is on a good day."  (2011)

The irony of our conversation was that the help Sam wanted was about an assignment he had to write, on “How to bring about change and what a leader must do well to help that process?” 

Whoops……fail !!

If only I could have stepped back out of the conversation at the time and been able to do it so differently we may have had a different outcome. It takes good leadership to do that on the run, assessing as you go as to what someone needs to help them make changes, and that's of course when two people are actually on the same page. It is even harder when they are poles apart. Both Sam and I had the same desired outcome, we just missed each other completely. 

We re-grouped in the morning and worked out a plan forward. And eventually I was able to help him. 

But we both learned a little bit more about the kind of communication and listening that is required to actually help others and bring about change. Let’s hope he does better in his assignment than I did that night!

When your "phone" becomes your "dummy"!

Sam when he was 1yrs old

When our kids were young I would say they LOVED their dummy. For a number of years they thought they needed it to keep them calm, safe, or maybe that is just what we wanted them to believe.   They had cute names for it and we just wouldn't go anywhere without it. When they were very young I would tie it to their shirts, so when it fell out it wouldn't get lost, or dirty and was protected, ready to be inserted when necessary. Now this may say more about my parenting than the kids’ dependence on a dummy to help them feel safe and calm. 

Of course we knew it wasn't something that they needed or that was good for them in the long run, and it didn't take long before we devised a strategy to help them to be weaned off it. We knew it would eventually stop them from talking, developing their social skills and being able to communicate well with others, as well as being seen as a grown up rather than being a baby. For Georgia in particular, this was never going to stop her from talking, but she did love to be pacified at times when emotions were out of control. Georgia was very quick to substitute her thumb, which cannot be taken away, so we persevered with the dummy longer, so she didn't get dependent on her thumb, which is always accessible.   

We got over that stage of life and now that my kids are 16 and 19, I think they have not been too scarred by having a dummy when they were young. At least, I thought so, until I saw the visual of my 19 year old, coming out of his room this morning, still half asleep, in his “pj’s,” walking towards the toilet with his phone in his hand. It reminded me of when he was little and walking around with his “nummies” in his mouth. 

Funny how the phone has become the modern dummy. And this is not just for children. This is any age.  I see people of all ages walking everywhere with their phones in their hands, not being able to put them down or feel they can function without them.

They have become our modern pacifier. I know my children say I am a “techniphobe", but I don't believe that is true as I see great value in the phone.  But it is important for us to be able to make a call (see the pun) when our phone has become our pacifier, so much so that we begin to disengage in life around us.  Technology is a wonderful tool when we are in control of it, when we use it for good. But like anything, there is the potential for a dependence and distraction that is unhealthy. 

I knew when my kids were young, that a dummy served its purpose for a time and within reason, but we needed to eventually get control of the use of it, not the other way round. For a child, when a dummy hinders development, communication and the social ability to be able to relate to others then I think we would all acknowledge that this is not healthy. Children very rarely go to school with a dummy. By the age of 5 it is not something they use in public. They may still need help calming at night, but this is a process they are learning to get personal control over.  

I took this in a cafe just recently

In 2016, the phone has become that for many people, and not just in private. It seems socially acceptable to have a phone in just about every aspect of life, always on, always accessible. I believe it is getting to the point where this is hindering communication, social relationships and for some their own personal development. This is ironic, as the phone was originally designed to be a tool of communication. But, it is very sad to see the disengagement I feel l am continually fighting face to face with people, as I compete with the phone for people’s attention. I am talking about when our phones become our pacifier, our escape, our place to retreat to, our main connection points, our space fillers. And this is not even addressing what we are actually looking at when we go there. That is a whole other blog.  At least with a dummy for a child, it actually takes them to a “zen” state, a “dummed” down space, where they simply calm down, as opposed to what we today are doing on our phones in these spaces of escape.  

But to stay on track, like in most things, we simply need to have self-control and be willing to ask ourselves: “when has our phone become our dummy?”

Here are some times that I check myself as to whether my phone has got too much power over me: 

• When we are with friends around a table and we would rather be engaged on our phone than the person across the table from us.

• When we feel we can’t go to sleep unless our phone is beside us, ON.

• When the first thing we do when we get up in the morning is check our “notifications”. 

• When we are in a meeting and feel we just have to have our phone beside us (on silent) so we don't miss that ting, ping or message.

• When we panic because we have not sent out our snapchat story for the day.

• When we feel an experience is not complete unless it has been shared on Social Media.

• When we feel naked or incomplete if we have lost our phone, or left it at home.

• When we go to a place that gets no reception and we start to shake with anxiety because we are not connected. 

• When we are spending time with God and we just have to answer the phone. 

• Do I control my phone use or does it control me?

You might have some other good checks that I have missed. I’d love to hear them, but most important, are you willing to ask the question?