Choosing Brave

 ‘You’re so brave’ was the comment I would get when people found out about the trip I was planning. 

Wilson - The Van

When I would land at a caravan park and set up, people would say hi and couldn’t believe I was on my own.  Time and time again I would hear it, how brave people thought I was. I know in some ways there were elements of bravery being on my own in a big van, but really if you knew me, the adventure and exploration part of the trip was actually not me being brave, but me being who I was created to be. The study part was also something that was so satisfying. The opportunity to watch the sunrise and sunset each night outside my window and walk in His creation was an oasis that I savoured every moment of. Even the not knowing where I may land my head that night was exhilarating. 

 

Phil 4:8 

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things”  

 

Out on the road on my own I could do this for the first time in what felt like18 months. There were no

other distractions, voices, responsibilities pulling me back into the stuck place I had found myself in.   Like any mountain top experience that we have, it is powerful, special, peaceful, life giving, and like Peter I simply wanted to camp there. (Matthew 17) So what people were saying was “brave” I was simply feeling like it was ‘hiding’, ‘choosing safety’, ‘maybe even running’.  If I could pitch my tent and stay there forever, roaming the country from beautiful scenery to beautiful scenery I would. To be honest I am still trying to work out how I can continue to do this in my future.  When it is just you and Jesus, it is easier to think on things that are true and pure and right. When it is just you and the ability to choose which beautiful destinations you are going to head toward, it is easy to think on things that are excellent, lovely, praiseworthy. 

 

Matt 17:4

Every sunrise and sunset, mountain and valley, rock and tree filled my broken heart with hope, peace, joy, and His majesty. As Peter said, “Lord, it is good that we are here”

 

We all love those mountain top moments, they are important in our faith journey, and you know the feeling of never wanting to leave and go back to everyday life. 

 

The bravest thing that I have done by far on this trip was to choose to come home. 

 

Coming to the end of the trip was by far the hardest thing I did. I chose to fast from meat and Moscato (which I was drinking too much, if I am honest),  in order to take even more time in slowing down in the last 10 days to prepare for the end. It was so rich that I thought “I got this” until I drove closer and closer. I had to come down from the mountain. As you come into Wollongong, you literally come down a mountain and suddenly I felt I couldn’t breathe again. 

 

Under my breath it was all I could do to speak out the promises that I have been given over the past 10 days. Like a mantra, they were something I knew I must say. All the while, the fog was setting in, the cold literally set in, and I felt like I could see nothing. All I could do was put one simple step in front of me. It was like walking into a storm from the calm eye of the storm, that I knew He had placed me in for the past 4 months. 

 

I can relate to Peter wanting to stay on the mountain, for as soon as they got down from the mountain, the demands began; heal me, speak to me, why don't you do this, do it now! The disciples who had just been in the presence for God, were quickly reminded of how their faith so quickly waivers when the first challenge comes. (Matt 17:20)  Oh, how disappointed I was in myself, how weak I am, how sad that I can so quickly crumble. Have I really learned anything that You have taught me in the past 4 months? How quickly was the fall into a slump of bad thinking, doubt and confusion.  How come I cannot hold onto His promises no matter the circumstances? I want to be so much stronger than I really am, as brave as people think I am.

 

I am so thankful for Peter and Paul and many of the people in the Bible who tell me I am not alone in my doubt, fear and lack of faith.  When Paul asked for his burden to be taken away, God responds: 

 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

“My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness… When I am weak you are strong” 

 

Yes, I know I can love and flourish in times of strengthening and mountain top experiences, but am I brave enough to stand strong when I am weak and trust His grace is sufficient? I know it is who I want to be, I know in Christ it is what He wants for me, I know He doesn’t ask me to do it in my own strength, I know it is the place He wants us most. But to step into that space in this next season, will be the bravest thing I ever do.