Wilson has slowed me down

Driving an 8 metre long and 4.2 meter high van has slowed me down. Like a tortoise, it is like I am literally carrying my whole house on my back and carting it around has slowed me down. I don’t think I have ever driven so slowly and actually enjoyed it.  I get why turtles move so slowly, the load they carry doesn’t allow for quick turns, or quick changes or it might topple them over completely. I am sure that it is not true for a turtle, but It is certainly true for ‘Wilson’.  I have named my van ‘Wilson’, inspired by the movie castaway where Tom Hanks found a ball, and it became his friend and confidante while feeling very alone stuck on the Island. I know I am anything but alone on an Island, as Australia, even though an Island, is anything but lonely, and I am only a text away from so many that I love.  But in other ways I am alone on this journey and relying on “Wilson” for safety, reliability, shelter, and a place to call home. These are very important to me. 

 

He is all those things I said above, but Wilson has done something else for me that was unexpected. He has slowed me down.  I am now that person you get stuck behind, winding through the bends and wishing this big van in front of you would get out of the way or let you pass. It concerned me for a while, worried about frustrating people, but I quickly got over it, when to go any faster meant I could go over the edge or have a dangerous accident.  I simply find a place where I can pull over and let them pass and then toddle off on my merry way again. I am happy to let them pass, happy to go slower and happy to not be in a hurry. I have never believed In being busy, but this is a whole new level of “slow.” 

 

Normally I would get in a car for the express purpose of getting to a destination.  I would leave just the right amount of time to get there and get frustrated when the traffic messes up my time.  I have done a lot of travel in my life, but still there has been an element of having to be somewhere by a certain time. This trip seems very different. I have never driven such a big van before. Being on the road for 4 months in discovery mode means I am not running at the pace I used to.  I am enjoying immensely being able to watch the world go by and actually stop whenever I want to ponder and enjoy what I am seeing. It is a carefree feeling simply to meander along the road and be present in the moment.  I think the saying is to “stop and smell the roses”, but for me I am more likely to photograph it rather than smell it.

 

I have had a plaque in my house for a long time which says, “It is not about the destination, but the journey”. I love it and thought I lived by it. But I was kidding myself. I realise now, it has always been about the destination for me.  It has taken a season where I have no clear destination to realise that I really need to live IN the journey. As I travel each day, it doesn’t really matter where I end up, and guess what, for all you driven people like me, it is ok. At least one thing is true, I have always believed, ‘experience gives transformation to head knowledge’. Where in the past I might have head knowledge that the journey is important, I now have an experience that has transformed my understanding of that phrase.

 

There have also been many times when there is nothing to see, photograph or smell along the journey. Times when you simply have to travel the road, because it is the only way through to the next space. Nothing to see or enjoy, but there is learning there also. It is about learning patience and trust and faith.

“Faith gives thank in the middle of the story” (Ann Voscamp), even when you don’t know where the destination is taking you. 

 

It has been a lovely change of focus that has brought new life to someone who has probably being carrying a different kind of weight for a long time. It has been nice to lay that down for a while and pick another kind of load. It is just me and ‘Wilson’ for the next 4 months, but the challenge will be to not lose enjoying the journey when I get to the next chapter back home. 

 

It doesn’t mean that having a destination is wrong, in fact it is important for a lot of life, but never at the expense of the journey. Oh, the things I have missed in life, by being too focused on the destination.  I repent of that, Lord, and am reminded of the Rhythm of Jesus who had a clear destination.  But He never seemed to lose focus on the journey and all that He could give, enjoy and invest in every day He lived and served during His short time here on earth. 

 

I wonder if you need to enjoy the journey more? I wonder what it might take to slow you down?  To stop and smell the roses, as they say or simply to learn to trust more.  To understand the transformative journey of every day that God is more interested in all of us taking as we head towards an eternal destination with Him. 

Life through His filter

I prayed as I walked along the beautiful beach, “Lord teach me to enjoy your beautiful creation without filtering it with my lonely sad life filters.” 

It was one of those days when I was walking through nature that at one time I could have totally entered into and enjoyed the moment. But on this day, I could not do this without seeing it through the filter of deep sorrow and loss. It made everything look and feel sad. 

Over the years I have never understood why those who have had sad and tragic things happen can’t just escape for a while and truly enjoy a moment of happiness. I have always found it hard to understand why they have to always bring the sadness into every situation. That day I had a glimpse of that like never before and I didn’t like it one bit. 

There are some things that just hurt so deep that they can create filters for a time from which you then see the whole world from, and it changes everything. I pray I have more compassion for those in that space from now on and I know it makes sense for a time of grief and sorrow. 

But my question is do we have to stay there?  From this space, it means you can’t seem to enjoy anything. I don’t believe that we were created to stay this way! 

The natural photo  

As a photographer, I am aware that the lens is a key part of the camera that allows you to capture what you are seeing as it really is, like ours eyes. But nowadays once the photo is taken, we like to put effects onto the photos by adding a filter. We do it on our phones and computers, we can distort the original photo until it is no longer recognisable, or we can enhance the original features.  It is all subjective and my daughter is always telling me I play too much with my photos in the editing process.  

In the end it is something you can choose to add to the original photo, which means you could also choose to take off at some point. 

The same photo with a different 
filter on it.

There are some times in life where I can see how the wearing of black for a period of time after death makes sense. Like a filter, it’s like it gives you permission to feel sad and not to have to justify your feelings. But it is also designed for a time, for to stay there and never put coloured clothes back on is not healthy either.  We know that the filter is always there to use, but there are other filters as well. Depending on what filter we use, we can change the whole way we view the picture. Like a filter we have the choice at some point to change our filter, to re-engage with life.

Surely this is the power of choosing the filter of seeing everything through the transformational love of Christ. His faithful words show us a new filter to live by. This is a filter that never changes no matter what does and does not happen around us and in our life. It doesn’t mean that we won’t sometimes put the sad lens back on, even Jesus did that. But if we choose to always filter everything through hope and a greater story that has a better ending than we can see right now, I have experienced it helps even the sad filters I put on at times.

This is not a ‘come to Jesus and everything will be filtered through love and peace and everything will be great’ statement. We all know that is not true.  The fact is, it is during the times of greatest challenge that His filter is the most powerful.  His filter can make even the greatest of tragedies look more hopeful. I remember when my father died suddenly from a motorcycle accident, it was Christ’s filter that made and still makes everything much more bearable.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!

So, we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

That day I walked the beach, I could not see anything but sadness, it was a down day, we all have them. I remember wondering if I would ever enjoy God’s beautiful scenery again. But months later, I am choosing to see life through His filter more and more. It is changing my focus, it is changing the way I see the picture. It was not the picture of nature that changed, it was the filter I was using. By changing my filter, the bright colours of life and awe are beginning to come back again. 

My prayers are being answered but my choices are also a key part of it.  What filters are you adding onto the view you see each day?  What choices are you making today that can change the way you view the challenges set before you?  There are things that you have no control of and in the things you can change, His never changing filter of love and grace can make all the difference in the way you see today.

Living in the AND

I have always been someone who is either fully in or fully out, not much middle ground.  I suppose when people call me passionate and determined, it kind of goes along with the territory. I mean, life is short, why waste time sitting around and not simply going for it? Life to the full (John 10:10), with no regrets, is the way I have wanted and have lived for the first 50 years of life.

 

“The glory of God is revealed in a person who is fully alive” (Saint Irenaeus)

 

Oh, how I long to be fully alive, to reveal His glory, to be His faithful servant, to get to the pearly gates and hear the words, “well done good and faithful servant”, to be known as someone who never held back. 

 

But this comes with a warning. I have been told many times that I expect too much, I have always had high expectations for myself and others around me. It has been a strength AND a downfall all at the same time. I have lost much and hurt many with this ‘all or nothing’ zest for life. 

 

As 50 came and went, life took a turn and ‘living life to the full’ became something that I lost focus on. Because if I couldn’t have it all, I didn’t want anything. You could say that for the past 2 years I have tapped out. Life has slowed me down, taken my breath away and even my desire to fully live at times or to see a future that is hopeful. In that tapped out space my focus has been more on loss, doubt, confusion, guilt, sadness, dead ends, blindsides, shock, anger, blame, death and hopelessness. 

 

The ‘all or nothing’ in me just didn’t know how to live with both. Is that even possible? When my wise mum said “I need to learn to live in the AND”, I simply drew a blank and had no idea how to do that. It is this weird space of living in AND.  How can it be? I can’t fathom that you can be in complete brokenness and yet still enjoy a laugh or a moment as well.  I can see how it is important, staying down in the depths for a long time is not healthy. But what I don’t know how to do, is to not feel guilty about the joyful feelings, when I am supposed to be in a sad and broken time of my life. When grieving loss, I feel guilty if I enjoy a moment, as if I am denying the pain I am in. If I look happy, I feel guilty that people will think I am over the pain. 

 

It is not always ‘all on’ or ‘all off’, in fact living in the AND means it is both at the same time. How come I am 50+ and only just beginning to navigate this?  And deeper than that, it is something I must acknowledge deeply as something I must say sorry for, confess as a sin that has caused pain to God’s heart and to others. 

 

“Real confession is deeper than seeing our own failure...we need to see how our own sin impacts our communion and intimacy with God and with other people. Sin should break our hearts – not because we discover we are imperfect – but because we see that our sin has destructive consequences.” (S.G Brown, ‘Sensible Shoes’, pg 162-163)

 

 

I am on a journey now, to understand how to live in the AND. To feel the pain and loss and not deny it, but to not deny the joy, love and peace that is true because of who God is and what He has done. To seek what it means to live “fully alive” in the second part of life, even when I know it will look very different to the first 50 years. To not allow sadness and doubt to overshadow the good that was had in the first 50 years, to bring it forward and hold onto that joy that I chose to live back then. AND yet to move forward, choosing to live to the full with no regrets every day. Lord, help me push the guilt away when I feel joy, even in the midst of holding the pain and learning from it as well. 

 

“The glory of God is revealed in a person who is fully alive” (Saint Irenaeus)

 

Oh, how I long to be fully alive, to reveal His glory, to be his faithful servant, to get to the pearly gates and hear the words, “well done good and faithful servant”, to be known as someone who never held back AND to never deny that this life will hurt at times. I must feel this but I don’t have to cling to it or feed it, but listen prayerfully to what it may teach me.