Living in the AND

I have always been someone who is either fully in or fully out, not much middle ground.  I suppose when people call me passionate and determined, it kind of goes along with the territory. I mean, life is short, why waste time sitting around and not simply going for it? Life to the full (John 10:10), with no regrets, is the way I have wanted and have lived for the first 50 years of life.

 

“The glory of God is revealed in a person who is fully alive” (Saint Irenaeus)

 

Oh, how I long to be fully alive, to reveal His glory, to be His faithful servant, to get to the pearly gates and hear the words, “well done good and faithful servant”, to be known as someone who never held back. 

 

But this comes with a warning. I have been told many times that I expect too much, I have always had high expectations for myself and others around me. It has been a strength AND a downfall all at the same time. I have lost much and hurt many with this ‘all or nothing’ zest for life. 

 

As 50 came and went, life took a turn and ‘living life to the full’ became something that I lost focus on. Because if I couldn’t have it all, I didn’t want anything. You could say that for the past 2 years I have tapped out. Life has slowed me down, taken my breath away and even my desire to fully live at times or to see a future that is hopeful. In that tapped out space my focus has been more on loss, doubt, confusion, guilt, sadness, dead ends, blindsides, shock, anger, blame, death and hopelessness. 

 

The ‘all or nothing’ in me just didn’t know how to live with both. Is that even possible? When my wise mum said “I need to learn to live in the AND”, I simply drew a blank and had no idea how to do that. It is this weird space of living in AND.  How can it be? I can’t fathom that you can be in complete brokenness and yet still enjoy a laugh or a moment as well.  I can see how it is important, staying down in the depths for a long time is not healthy. But what I don’t know how to do, is to not feel guilty about the joyful feelings, when I am supposed to be in a sad and broken time of my life. When grieving loss, I feel guilty if I enjoy a moment, as if I am denying the pain I am in. If I look happy, I feel guilty that people will think I am over the pain. 

 

It is not always ‘all on’ or ‘all off’, in fact living in the AND means it is both at the same time. How come I am 50+ and only just beginning to navigate this?  And deeper than that, it is something I must acknowledge deeply as something I must say sorry for, confess as a sin that has caused pain to God’s heart and to others. 

 

“Real confession is deeper than seeing our own failure...we need to see how our own sin impacts our communion and intimacy with God and with other people. Sin should break our hearts – not because we discover we are imperfect – but because we see that our sin has destructive consequences.” (S.G Brown, ‘Sensible Shoes’, pg 162-163)

 

 

I am on a journey now, to understand how to live in the AND. To feel the pain and loss and not deny it, but to not deny the joy, love and peace that is true because of who God is and what He has done. To seek what it means to live “fully alive” in the second part of life, even when I know it will look very different to the first 50 years. To not allow sadness and doubt to overshadow the good that was had in the first 50 years, to bring it forward and hold onto that joy that I chose to live back then. AND yet to move forward, choosing to live to the full with no regrets every day. Lord, help me push the guilt away when I feel joy, even in the midst of holding the pain and learning from it as well. 

 

“The glory of God is revealed in a person who is fully alive” (Saint Irenaeus)

 

Oh, how I long to be fully alive, to reveal His glory, to be his faithful servant, to get to the pearly gates and hear the words, “well done good and faithful servant”, to be known as someone who never held back AND to never deny that this life will hurt at times. I must feel this but I don’t have to cling to it or feed it, but listen prayerfully to what it may teach me.