Tamara – Palm tree
It was always so
discouraging. So meaningless.....which was highlighted when we began to run a
camp for underprivileged children. We
wanted to lift them up by helping them see the importance of their name.
Leaders would spent time researching a name and speaking into the child
positive things about their name. It reminded me that mine was very unexciting.
It just wasn’t good enough for me.
For many years now I
have struggled internally with NOT feeling
good enough. Inside I don’t feel “good” enough, even though in some ways I feel
like my whole life I have tried to be a “good” girl. As I have grown in God I
know that in him it is not about being good enough, but simply being his child.
And yet the internal wrestle continues and does have its consequences. This “lie” deep inside does all it can to
deter me from God’s paths, God’s dreams. It has affected my own self care, as I
use this lie to overeat and basically not like myself.
Over my life the
wrestle has continued, being amplified over the past 15 years. Lately, I have
been sick of going over and over the same issues. I have wanted to be able to
move on from them weighing me down. For those who say God is not real and does
not guide us I say “do you have eyes to see and ears to listen. God is always
speaking, you must learn to listen”.
Let me tell you what I
have discovered when I had eyes to see and ears to listen. (Acts 28:27) I believe if you have an open heart , God
puts opportunities in your path, but you have to be able to see them and be
open to them. At a time when I was really seeking Him on this matter, I just happen to met up
with a friend for another matter all together. She had just come back from becoming a director of a counselling
process called NLP. I never heard of it, but when she heard how I was
struggling, she offered to work with me for free on my issues. When something
is free you don’t pass that up, but mostly I was willing to try anything, even
though honestly I was a little sceptical.
I spent 3 hours with
her, with my eyes closed and I don’t know where the time went. It was very
painful and hard, yet peaceful. One of the key phrases that came out for me was
that I couldn’t say out loud “God thinks I am beautiful just the way I am and I
am good enough”...I realised that I really, deeply believe that I am not good
enough for anyone or anything.
That was a Friday, the
next day I went to a woman’s retreat, where the reflections were all about seeds
and trees. I saw myself as a grown tree, one that was too old for new growth. I
had already felt not good enough to do anything new, I was feeling old and established
and maybe it was my time to produce shade for others (not that there is
anything wrong with that). I went for a walk and all I could see was old trees,
wrinkled, hard, stretched, weary, and burned through fire, stressed. I took
photo after photo
As I got closer to them I began to see the beauty, the strength in something that had survived the hard times and was still growing new branches. I saw new trees growing into the old trees as the old trees held them up. I saw the majesty of the old tree, the foundations had not been rocked even when the fires had tried so hard to destroy. At one point I had to back track and God knows I hate to back track (going over old ground). As I did I saw new things and I saw a tree that had seeds all over it. I felt like God said “you are a seed maker”, I would have missed that if I didn’t back track.
Something unnamed is being called
forth in the depths ....ah
yes the truth takes time to be named and even more time to be accepted.
I was thankful for
this time and felt very affirmed in God’s love, even open to something new
...but deep down still feeling like I am still not really good enough.....
The next weekend I was
at a summit for something different again where a word was spoken over me. A lady who didn’t know me said she
saw “Deborah under the palm tree”. Great, I am thinking, Deborah was a strong
leader, she heard from God, she was used in a mighty way. I can be open for
that. But she continued to say....”it is something about the Palm tree that is
important, but I don’t know what”. A palm tree, are you kidding......I have
always hated that image, it is what my name means, boring...sure after the
weekend before I was loving trees and seeing trees in a whole new light..but a
palm tree.....
The next morning as I decided to
study Deborah and the palm tree. I am blown away with what I was seeing.
How can I have never seen it before? I have been down this track before. I have
read this story before. I loved the strength of Deborah, but why she was under
a palm tree, what is the significance of the palm tree in Biblical times....I
looked it up.....it means.....
Signifies
Good....affection of Good
Wisdom
which is good from the Lord.
So what’s in a name?
Does it really matter! But what I do know is that God can answer our deepest
questions, our deepest fears. He longs to guide, to heal, to empower if we are
willing to listen. He will use anything, from experiences, peoples words, to
nature, even your name to get your attention. He will not stop till you know
that you are His and you are good enough!
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