The 360 Effect

12 years ago, I stood at this place in the Northern Territory and watched my son throw stones into the water.  We were on a journey for him into manhood and we were walking with him intentionally to speak into his life and make sure there was key people in his life to walk with him in following challenge teenage years. I look at this picture and I see the wonder in his stance, the focus in the moment of sheer joy and excitement of discovery, the freedom that life was all ahead of him, and anything was possible. It wasn’t until I got up early in the morning to walk here, to capture the sunrise that I realised that this was the exact place I took that photo, 12 years ago. 

 

Now, 12 years later, we are here together again. I look up to emulate the photo all those years ago, but I know I am looking up with a very different process going on in my head. As he takes the photo all these years later and remembers his own journey, I ponder on the journey that has led me here today.  

 

12 years later, I consider what is ahead of me now, in my life, certainly anything is possible, but in the moment, I feel sadness and loss. The longing to be back there 12 years ago and what I could have done differently for me to not be here where I am right now. The thought that back then, I could not even imagine my life taking the turns it has, to lead me here today.  It is probably good we can’t see too far ahead in time; it would frighten and overwhelm many, especially me. 

 

But there is also joy today. It is the realization, that I am only here because my son is walking with me. I would not have been able to come here today if not for the confidence he saw in me and the choice he made to come and be with me.  We drove through rivers and unpaved roads to be here in the dark, taking risks and being brave together. We found ourselves here, without power and no-one around if we were to encounter trouble and together, we made each other stronger.  I would not be able to do this on my own. As 12 years ago he would not have been able to be here then, now the roles are reversed.  

 

This time he is carrying me, giving me strength and love, in a most challenging time in my life.

 

It is the 360 effect.  The one you dream for, but never quite know if it will occur as they are growing up. That time when your children become your strength in a way that you hoped to be for them when they were young. It was a special morning, as I remembered and was able to look at how far he has come and to be so proud and in wonder of the man he is becoming. 

 

It was sad that this is such sad circumstances that he has been able to return the favor for me. To speak love and courage to me, but often that is the case. It takes a whole lot of humility to find myself in this space. To be here with my son, helps me feel secure and feel a small sense of confirmation that I must have done something right, along the track.  Or maybe it is simply the grace of God, that gives us what we need, when we need it.  Being here with my son is a special gift I will treasure forever. 

 

When you have children, you want the best for them, to give them the solid foundation, to be able to face whatever comes.  My deep desire was always that they would have a deep connection with God, who guides and sustains them.  Here I stand with my son, at 24 years old and I can only see these qualities growing in Him, and today they are also sustaining me.  

I look up, I throw a stone, I consider what is next and I am thankful for those who walk with me. It is a gift to know that in my darkest moments my children comfort me, love me, and stand alongside me in the pain. I no longer take that for granted but am thankful for their actions that show me so. We don't know the future; I was foolish to think 12 years ago our future was assured.  I was so certain back then that I had all that my children needed to provide a safe and caring environment.  But life takes turns and twists we cannot see it where it will take us. When the rubber hits the road and our faith, and love for each other are tested, it is often in the hardest of times that true loves shows itself. I thank God for this moment today, a chance to not only re-capture a memory but to transform it, to come full circle, 360 degrees. To go from mentor to mentee……. I humbly celebrate my son and his presence in my life and am thankful for both of my beautiful, amazing children today. 

Joy is a Choice

This particular day in lockdown felt like it could sting. My daughter turned 21 and we could not celebrate it the way we had planned, the family was all separated and not able to be together.  COVID has affected us all in so many difficult, tragic and inconvenient ways. Some we can laugh off and let it go, some that sting. I know there has been much pain and loss for so many and the question is how we face it and move forward. 

 

It is when we feel separated, isolated, on the outside looking in, restricted even from human touch, or completely cut off which can happen in multiple ways; that grief, panic, anxiety, fear and tears and anger can take a hold. 

 

I wrote on my daughter’s card: 

 

“This is not the day we planned, but we are learning this is the day we have. Live it well, make the best of each moment and today, like any other day can be a happy one” 

 

A day that could have stung, ended up having some lovely highs, because we chose to make the best of little moments that we could have. The isolation made me more aware of the things that are most precious and allowed me to grieve more deeply for what I no longer have. Most importantly, I did not let the pain and loss destroy the joy.

 

As one so much wiser than me said: 

 

“Joy is possible even amid great labours – the labour of dying, the labour birthing, and the labours between. We cannot force it. But we can create moments to breathe through labour pains and surrender our senses to the present moment, notice the colours and light and feeling of being alive, here, together, joy comes more easily…….Joy returns us to everything good and beautiful and worth fighting for…joy is the gift of love: it makes the labour an end it itself. I believe labouring in joy is the meaning of life” (Valarie Kaur, 2020)

 

I reminisced where I was 21 years ago when my daughter was born and pondered on all that I had back then.  During the ‘actual’ labour, there were so many moments of joy that I took for granted, that now feel lost amidst complication and pain. 

I know this day could have gone many ways. I had the choice to bring joy or pain, grief or laughter, possibilities or giving up, love or pity, grace or unforgiveness, prickly or soft, hope or hopelessness. Every moment was a choice. Every moment is a choice. And often it is not a choice I can make in my own strength.

This is not the life I planned, but I am learning that this is the life I have…………I choose to live it well, to make the most of each moment and choose today and each day from now on, that there will be happy moments again. 

 

“Performance of joy while the wounds are still being inflicted is not a display of otherworldly strength. It is an act of faith that God will not give us more than we can bear”. (R. Rohr, 2021)

 

I am thankful for my loving Heavenly Father who holds me up every step of the way. I would not and could not, do it in my own strength. I know we all have those days that sting, those times when life throws you something that seems too hard to bear, when the day or life you planned falls apart.  It is in these moments we must choose to believe that that ‘labouring in joy IS the meaning of life.’

 

 

 

 

 

It's Solvable, in a world where so much is not.

I can’t believe how many puzzles I have done in the past 12 months and why I am enjoying them so much. I can get lost in them, no matter how hard they are.  

 

The word ‘puzzle’ infers a mystery, something to be solved that might not otherwise be.  But actually, if you persist, they are all solvable. Every piece will have a place if you persist long enough. When doing a puzzle, you know that determination and patience pay off because it can be finished. The fact is that each shape doesn’t need to change, it just is, and more than that it is a vital piece, just the way it is. Even those pieces that are all the same colour, their unique shape makes them important to simply fit in a particular place and allow the puzzle to be completed. The piece can’t say, no I don’t want to fit there, it just does. It can’t say, I want to change shape. If it did, then the puzzle could never be completed.  Each piece is perfect just the way it is, and by finding its place its purpose is fulfilled.

 

This doesn’t mean the process is easy. You can spend hours and hours and not feel like you are getting anywhere. I had friend with me when I was at the stage where I had the sky left on a puzzle and literally there were 50-60 pieces that were all the same colour blue. She looked and said, “this is the stage I simply quit and pack it up. You can see it is a sky, what’s the point of finishing it? It so frustrating.” 

 

Instead, I spent hours of meticulously placing piece by piece into a slot knowing that out of the 50 or so potential pieces one would fit perfectly if I persevered. 

 

And there are those moments where one of the pieces of the puzzle is in the wrong place. You feel stuck and find that many other pieces don’t fit. It throws the whole puzzle off.  It can look right, but there is a subtle uniqueness to each piece so they all only fit on one place. You need to really look and spend quality time putting everything in its rightful place. There are times I’m required to re-do parts of the puzzle to get back on track, but this is never the puzzle’s fault, this is always my mistake. Quitting is an option, but persevering it always worth it, to solve the mystery, the “puzzle”. Of course, we are not solving anything, this puzzle has been solved already; planned and created for a perfect finished result. I am merely learning as I go, what the creator has already planned out long ago. 

 

So, while I am observing all this, I am wondering to myself, why do I keep doing puzzles? I mean it’s not like I desperately want to see the picture. I only have to look on the box to get that sort of enjoyment. Like my friend said, you can see it is a blue sky, so why do you have to finish it? 

 

Besides all the metaphors and deep reflection that has come with this pondering, I think for me it is simply that in a complicated world and life, especially when COVID hit and we were all faced with so much that no longer made sense, or that we could do nothing about, the fact that puzzles are solvable was simply a relief. I knew that even if it took me a long time, if I was going to put a whole lot of effort and time into it, the result was going to be a perfect puzzle at the end where every piece fit and every piece mattered. The fact was that the result was assured from the start, the end was clear and if I simply played my part the result would be a 100% success. In a world where there is little you can say that about, it is a comfort for a time. The fact that the pieces were not going to change shape or colour mid-stream, created for me a comfort in that it was a known challenge and I knew what I had signed up for.  There was the occasion where a piece would go missing, which I was fully able to acknowledge was a fault on my part, not the puzzle’s fault.  I could live with that slight disappointment knowing that it didn’t change the fact that the puzzle would always be solvable.  

 

“It is finished”. (John 19:30) 

 

The promise of Jesus story is the same for me. “It is finished” His final words, which promise that the price is paid, the end is assured, the hope is real. Each piece is finally in place, so the whole picture is revealed for those who are willing to see it, accept it and surrender to it. The mystery of the puzzle of life is solved in Him. It is the only thing that makes sense to me right now and it is the only thing I can be assured of. 

 

So, this is a journey of learning as I go, knowing that I am simply called to persevere, not give up, delve deeply, appreciate each piece is unique and special and has a place. I choose to trust there will be times when all I can see is so many pieces, that I don’t know where they all go right now, even acknowledging that some may be lost through no fault of the creator, but knowing that in the end, “it is finished”.   

 

“For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith”. (1 John 5:4)