A steep learning curve

Along the road, I saw an interesting sig … “Tolman Hill”.  Naturally, being my name I decided to take a detour and check it out. 

The view was beautiful across the whole city of Hobart. It was a rainy and foggy morning, but you could see ‘Tolman Hill’ was an opulent place to live with spectacular perspective. It warmed my heart.

 

I ventured into the estate to discover there was one way in and one way out. It was a very very steep hill. 

 

Now Wilson (the van) had been faithful to this point, always getting me in and out of every place we had driven. I had always been in automatic and let Wilson choose what gear was required to get us where we needed to go. I suppose you could say I trusted him and didn’t need to know the manual process. 

 

So, as I ventured out again via the steep hill I started to skid and spin my wheels half-way up and began to slid to the side. It is a scary feeling being on the side of a steep hill, cars and houses either side of me that I could crash into and knowing the only safe way was to go back down, backwards. Going backwards is not my strong suit at the best of times, let alone in a large van. I was also hoping the whole time that the skidding sound of my wheels would not bring anyone out to watch. The last thing I needed was an audience watching me slipping my way backwards in a huge van that could easily smash something they valued. 

 

I edged my way down backwards in the middle of the road also hoping and praying no-one wanted to come behind me. I got to a place where I thought I could try again. 

 

The rain continued to pour, which was part of the problem. 

 

I began again ... a little faster in first gear, to find myself again half-way up spinning and sliding wheels, lights coming on the dash ... saying “warning, warning Wil......son can’t do this.” 

 

I tentatively backed down again and tried one more time. My heart beating, feeling slightly panicked but this time a little faster in second gear ... till it got half-way and stopped again. 

 

With my heart racing a little more than I would like I backed down to the bottom of the hill into a bus space at the side of the road and sat for a while. 

 

Should I try going really fast up it from a run up?!? The thought scared me, I just wasn’t sure what Wilson was capable of and if going too fast would lend myself to being more out of control and doing something really dangerous. 

 

You know that moment when something happens and you are faced with a problem/situation that you are not sure what to do about or how to move forward?  When you have tried doing the same thing a number of times or what you only knew to do, but this time it is not working?

 

I got out and knocked on the door of a house to ask if there was any other way out. A lady comes out with a phone to her ear and says, “no, sorry, the only way to get out is up that hill.” She looked at me as if to say, “what is your problem. You can do that?”  She said,“That van will get up there, and at least if it doesn’t you’ve got a bed to sleep in. I am sorry I need to go, I am on the phone.”

 

“Thanks,” I said with a staged smile on my face. I did not appreciate the humour at that moment, but yes she was right, I did have food and bed ... if I had to wait out the rain, I suppose. 

 

Hmm… what to do? I decided to phone a friend. It is times like these you need to know who you can phone that will actually help you, rather than make another joke. 

 

My friend was an hour away and was willing to come and help me, but at the same time he talked me through another way to attack this hill that seemed unclimbable. 

 

He talked me through putting it in Manual, (which I hadn’t done in the van yet) and getting a run up and in second gear climbing the mountain calmly and consistently and in the middle of the road to give as much space as needed. He said he would come and help me. 

 

So, I decided to stay put. I grabbed a packet of chips and a coke from my fridge and started eating. I could have chosen 10 other healthy snacks but no, when you are feeling stressed you always grab for junk food. 

 

But he also spoke confidently to me as if, “it is okay, you got this”.  There was something in his tone that gave me confidence, once I downed the chips and coke, to give it one more try. 

 

The rain eased a little and I thought, “it is okay, I got this, I got to at least try what he said.” I hated putting him out having to drive an hour out of his way to come and save me. 

 

So, I put my big girls pants on, practiced the manual gear changes. And went for it. Second gear … here we go … get a bit of speed up and be calm. 

 

So, I am getting past where I got before, I am right in the middle of the road, starting to skid ... be calm. ... put it down to first gear for the final bit just chug slowly, talking calmly to Wilson ... I believe you can do it. We made it. OMG my heart was racing. But I felt so happy to be at the top of the hill. 

 

I am not ashamed to say that I felt quite a bit of pride texting my friend to say I was out and he didn’t need to come and save me. 

 

I know many drivers will be thinking, ‘how could you not know what to do’? I have been in this van for 20 days. I have never driven a van this size in my life. This was a new challenge and I came to my limits of know-how and experience and came to an unexpected challenge that took me by surprise.  We can only do what we know and then be willing to learn as we go. 

 

Along the journey you are going to find something that will stop you in your tracks. Some are just inconvenient, like today, some have life changing or serious consequences. The way we face it makes all the difference when there is no way of getting around it or avoiding it. I needed to know it is ok to ask for help. I needed to know who to call, who to listen to. I needed to be open to learning new skills. I needed to be calm and give it a go. I could have camped there for a few days anyway, but that was not the solution. I could have kept on doing the same thing over again and probably got into a worse situation. I could have quit, just walked away from the van and started walking to start a different type of journey. But I wouldn’t have done that to Wilson, although many do.

 

As I got back onto the road driving, the rain stopped very quickly and before long I was headed to open blue sky and new adVANture, with new skills in my toolkit to be ready to face the next challenge that will come. 

 

On your life adventure, there will always be hills that surprise you and stop you in your tracks, there will always be voices that are not so helpful, and voices that are, there will always be good choices and bad choices you can make and there will always be new things to learn. I didn't need to detour that day, but I know that the detour has helped me to be better prepared for the road ahead, ready for the next challenge that may push me, rattle me or hopefully make me a better driver for the future adventure that I have yet to take.

Wilson has slowed me down

Driving an 8 metre long and 4.2 meter high van has slowed me down. Like a tortoise, it is like I am literally carrying my whole house on my back and carting it around has slowed me down. I don’t think I have ever driven so slowly and actually enjoyed it.  I get why turtles move so slowly, the load they carry doesn’t allow for quick turns, or quick changes or it might topple them over completely. I am sure that it is not true for a turtle, but It is certainly true for ‘Wilson’.  I have named my van ‘Wilson’, inspired by the movie castaway where Tom Hanks found a ball, and it became his friend and confidante while feeling very alone stuck on the Island. I know I am anything but alone on an Island, as Australia, even though an Island, is anything but lonely, and I am only a text away from so many that I love.  But in other ways I am alone on this journey and relying on “Wilson” for safety, reliability, shelter, and a place to call home. These are very important to me. 

 

He is all those things I said above, but Wilson has done something else for me that was unexpected. He has slowed me down.  I am now that person you get stuck behind, winding through the bends and wishing this big van in front of you would get out of the way or let you pass. It concerned me for a while, worried about frustrating people, but I quickly got over it, when to go any faster meant I could go over the edge or have a dangerous accident.  I simply find a place where I can pull over and let them pass and then toddle off on my merry way again. I am happy to let them pass, happy to go slower and happy to not be in a hurry. I have never believed In being busy, but this is a whole new level of “slow.” 

 

Normally I would get in a car for the express purpose of getting to a destination.  I would leave just the right amount of time to get there and get frustrated when the traffic messes up my time.  I have done a lot of travel in my life, but still there has been an element of having to be somewhere by a certain time. This trip seems very different. I have never driven such a big van before. Being on the road for 4 months in discovery mode means I am not running at the pace I used to.  I am enjoying immensely being able to watch the world go by and actually stop whenever I want to ponder and enjoy what I am seeing. It is a carefree feeling simply to meander along the road and be present in the moment.  I think the saying is to “stop and smell the roses”, but for me I am more likely to photograph it rather than smell it.

 

I have had a plaque in my house for a long time which says, “It is not about the destination, but the journey”. I love it and thought I lived by it. But I was kidding myself. I realise now, it has always been about the destination for me.  It has taken a season where I have no clear destination to realise that I really need to live IN the journey. As I travel each day, it doesn’t really matter where I end up, and guess what, for all you driven people like me, it is ok. At least one thing is true, I have always believed, ‘experience gives transformation to head knowledge’. Where in the past I might have head knowledge that the journey is important, I now have an experience that has transformed my understanding of that phrase.

 

There have also been many times when there is nothing to see, photograph or smell along the journey. Times when you simply have to travel the road, because it is the only way through to the next space. Nothing to see or enjoy, but there is learning there also. It is about learning patience and trust and faith.

“Faith gives thank in the middle of the story” (Ann Voscamp), even when you don’t know where the destination is taking you. 

 

It has been a lovely change of focus that has brought new life to someone who has probably being carrying a different kind of weight for a long time. It has been nice to lay that down for a while and pick another kind of load. It is just me and ‘Wilson’ for the next 4 months, but the challenge will be to not lose enjoying the journey when I get to the next chapter back home. 

 

It doesn’t mean that having a destination is wrong, in fact it is important for a lot of life, but never at the expense of the journey. Oh, the things I have missed in life, by being too focused on the destination.  I repent of that, Lord, and am reminded of the Rhythm of Jesus who had a clear destination.  But He never seemed to lose focus on the journey and all that He could give, enjoy and invest in every day He lived and served during His short time here on earth. 

 

I wonder if you need to enjoy the journey more? I wonder what it might take to slow you down?  To stop and smell the roses, as they say or simply to learn to trust more.  To understand the transformative journey of every day that God is more interested in all of us taking as we head towards an eternal destination with Him. 

Life through His filter

I prayed as I walked along the beautiful beach, “Lord teach me to enjoy your beautiful creation without filtering it with my lonely sad life filters.” 

It was one of those days when I was walking through nature that at one time I could have totally entered into and enjoyed the moment. But on this day, I could not do this without seeing it through the filter of deep sorrow and loss. It made everything look and feel sad. 

Over the years I have never understood why those who have had sad and tragic things happen can’t just escape for a while and truly enjoy a moment of happiness. I have always found it hard to understand why they have to always bring the sadness into every situation. That day I had a glimpse of that like never before and I didn’t like it one bit. 

There are some things that just hurt so deep that they can create filters for a time from which you then see the whole world from, and it changes everything. I pray I have more compassion for those in that space from now on and I know it makes sense for a time of grief and sorrow. 

But my question is do we have to stay there?  From this space, it means you can’t seem to enjoy anything. I don’t believe that we were created to stay this way! 

The natural photo  

As a photographer, I am aware that the lens is a key part of the camera that allows you to capture what you are seeing as it really is, like ours eyes. But nowadays once the photo is taken, we like to put effects onto the photos by adding a filter. We do it on our phones and computers, we can distort the original photo until it is no longer recognisable, or we can enhance the original features.  It is all subjective and my daughter is always telling me I play too much with my photos in the editing process.  

In the end it is something you can choose to add to the original photo, which means you could also choose to take off at some point. 

The same photo with a different 
filter on it.

There are some times in life where I can see how the wearing of black for a period of time after death makes sense. Like a filter, it’s like it gives you permission to feel sad and not to have to justify your feelings. But it is also designed for a time, for to stay there and never put coloured clothes back on is not healthy either.  We know that the filter is always there to use, but there are other filters as well. Depending on what filter we use, we can change the whole way we view the picture. Like a filter we have the choice at some point to change our filter, to re-engage with life.

Surely this is the power of choosing the filter of seeing everything through the transformational love of Christ. His faithful words show us a new filter to live by. This is a filter that never changes no matter what does and does not happen around us and in our life. It doesn’t mean that we won’t sometimes put the sad lens back on, even Jesus did that. But if we choose to always filter everything through hope and a greater story that has a better ending than we can see right now, I have experienced it helps even the sad filters I put on at times.

This is not a ‘come to Jesus and everything will be filtered through love and peace and everything will be great’ statement. We all know that is not true.  The fact is, it is during the times of greatest challenge that His filter is the most powerful.  His filter can make even the greatest of tragedies look more hopeful. I remember when my father died suddenly from a motorcycle accident, it was Christ’s filter that made and still makes everything much more bearable.

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!

So, we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.

That day I walked the beach, I could not see anything but sadness, it was a down day, we all have them. I remember wondering if I would ever enjoy God’s beautiful scenery again. But months later, I am choosing to see life through His filter more and more. It is changing my focus, it is changing the way I see the picture. It was not the picture of nature that changed, it was the filter I was using. By changing my filter, the bright colours of life and awe are beginning to come back again. 

My prayers are being answered but my choices are also a key part of it.  What filters are you adding onto the view you see each day?  What choices are you making today that can change the way you view the challenges set before you?  There are things that you have no control of and in the things you can change, His never changing filter of love and grace can make all the difference in the way you see today.