The things you learn when you have no "wifi" - Part 1

It’s been a long time since I have travelled in a country without ‘wifi’ or navigation at my fingertips. I remember the good old days when you had to read a map made from paper and follow the road signs. While there are some countries where it is almost impossible to NOT get lost, in New Zealand this is not the case.  However, I learned a lot when travelling ‘unplugged’ of sorts, on a recent trip. You realise how reliant we become on the ability to instantaneously access whatever we want, whenever we want, when suddenly, ‘wifi’ is not available. We rely on it for navigation, music, booking accommodation, finding petrol and food stops, weather, booking attractions and general communication. 

 

Mostly I found it very freeing to hit the road with my favourite downloaded playlist (some people don’t even have that), pen and paper, my camera charged and food and drink in my fridge. But I also learned/re-learned a lot. 

 

I have learned that you need to do your homework beforehand. It is important to be prepared and have a general idea of where you are heading and what you want to see along the way. It is helpful to have some sort of paper(tangible) map. You need to have an idea of how long it is going to take and then in NZ add another hour onto that as traveling around the mountains always takes longer than they say it will. I learned that the hard way. It is important to read the road signs well, as they are your main guide to getting to your destination. It helps to be more focused on what you are looking at along the way. 

 

It is important to always be aware of your petrol levels because you never know when next you can stop to fill up. The great thing about being in a self-contained van is that food or drink is never a problem. I could stop anywhere along the side of the road and fill my tummy or quench my thirst, even rest and sleep If I wanted to. But I can imagine if you are just on the journey in a car, watching all these levels would be important as well. 

 

I never quite knew how far I had to go at times, or where I was going to stop. Sometimes that was a little disconcerting, but most times it is very freeing. In fact, with my camera and beautiful scenery I lost track of time all together most days, and so I learned the hard way to watch my time and what I can fit into a day.  It is good to know when the sun sets and rises each day, so you have a general idea of the boundaries of good travelling hours. Of course, you need wifi for this, so at some point you need to find FREE wifi to access this information, beforehand. 

 

I think the thing I found most freeing was the lack of distraction from the world. There were no ‘pings’ and notifications telling you of all the things that were are going on in the world.  My phone became a second memory catcher and a music player.  It is a wonderful day when you can get lost in nature, with a song in your heart and a camera in hand. 

 

It may all sound simple, until you run out of petrol or your van breaks down. Or when you hurt yourself on a walk in the middle of nowhere, you have no food, water or ‘wifi’ to call for help. It wouldn’t be long till you’re in the dark, all alone and suddenly this freedom adventure is not so fun anymore. In order for that to not happen you need to …

 

·      Be prepared

·      Know where you are heading

·      Watch carefully for the signs

·      Be mindful of your energy/fuel levels

·      Know your safety boundaries 

·      Connect with the right people when you can. 

 

Not a bad way to live each day. We are all on a journey, and we must take some responsibility for where we land each day. 

 

It is said that early in Jesus’ life, he grew 

“In wisdom and stature and favour with God and man” – Luke 2:52. 

I have always loved this balanced and wholistic way of life that Jesus modelled. He valued wisdom, he cared for himself physically, he knew who to listen to and who to turn to. He set him up for every trial and challenge he had in front of him. He didn’t complain or blame others when the challenges hit, he was prepared, mindful, purposeful and surrounded himself with the right people. 

 

 It is so easy to blame others when the wheels fall off life, when you hit a pothole, get lost or suddenly find yourself in a place you hadn’t planned to be. We can sit and cry out “why me”, or “it is not fair,” or just get plain angry. If we are not willing to be prepared, know where we’re heading, watch carefully for the signs, be mindful of energy levels, be safe and connect with the right voices, then to expect the journey and all the good things that come with it to just fall in your lap is not realistic. I am thankful for the life skills and problem solving and courage that ‘travel’ and trying new things has taught me. I think it has made me a stronger person.  Choosing not to have “wifi” on this trip, helped me engage in a whole lot of skills I forgot I had. I know I have the skills to get me out of most situations, but we only know that if it is tested, or we are willing to step out and give things a go ourselves. It helped that I knew my purpose and end game, I was prepared and was very mindful of my strength and boundaries.  

 

What adventure or risk have you taken lately?  When is the last time you tested and stretched yourself, to see where it could take you? Or importantly, what are you missing out on because you’re not willing to disconnect from the safe ‘online’ world and see what the real world wants to teach you?

 

A turn

David in the Bible, will always be known as a shepherd and a king and man after God’s own heart.  What a glorious legacy to be known for. 

 

“Yet there was a time when David did not examine what was in his own heart, he did not examine his own fears of being loved enough, did not examine his fears of not being wanted enough, instead David examined what was outside his own window. Examined who was out bathing next door. When we only examine the ways of everyone around us instead of examining the ways of what is actually within us we can expect our hearts to eventually go wayward. If we don’t examine the ways our hearts turn, it is our very light that ends up not turning out well. David turned away from his responsibilities and draw closer to what he thought would satisfy him, comfort him, fulfill him. By living an unexamined life this is what ends up exploding David’s life”.  (Ann VosKamp) 

 

I have been captured by the haunting words of Ann VosKamp:

 

“Every time we turn from something, we turn to something”

 

How simple is a “turn”? Whether it is a 1 degree turn or a 90 degree turn it is still a ‘turn’. Often it is in the small turns that we suddenly find ourselves in a place we never expected. A slight turn in another direction, then another slight turn and then another. It’s a scary thought and yet we have all found ourselves in this situation.  And then we think we can no longer turn back so we carry on a path that we never wanted to be on. It only takes one bite, one look, one word, one thought, one action, one agreement, one lie, one moment. And then another and another. I have caught myself so many times, wondering how did I get here? How did my life come to this? This is not who I want to be?  

 

Repentance is not a word we like to speak about, but it means simply “to turn”. Easter is a key time to retell the story. It is a story we must continue to retell. As we have just come through this time we see the many ways the disciples turned from him, we see his enemies turn and hurt Him, we see the religious people and the crowd turn on him, all the while Jesus continued to turn toward His father. At every step He had a choice to turn away, to take another path, but He choose to turn toward the cross. He turned towards death that we might have life, grace, forgiveness and freedom from our own wrong turns. The story of Easter, shows us that there is no habit, no lie, no words, no actions, no agreement, no bad choice, no wrong path, no sin too far that we cannot not turn back to Him. 

 

David writes in Psalm 32: 3-5 (MSG)

 

“When I kept it all inside, my bones turned to powder, my words became daylong groans. The pressure never let up; all the juices of my life dried up. Then I let it all out; I said “I’ll make a clean breast of my failures to God”. Suddenly the pressure was gone – my guilt dissolved, my sin disappeared”

 

 

I am thankful for the men and woman in the Bible that share their pain and struggles so openly to show we are not alone in our failings to be who we long to be. David was not perfect, and his legacy remains because he knew that it was never too late to turn to God. Like David, we are only one turn away from freedom and love. I am reminded that no matter how far I turn from Him and who He made me to be, I only feel love and joy from Jesus whenever I turn toward Him. I pray there would more turning to and less turning from the love and freedom that Christ can bring this hurting, messed up world. 

 

 

 

 

When will I learn?

I have always gained great comfort from the Psalmists who wrote so many psalms beginning with a plea for help as they cry out to God:

 

Ps 57:1  Be good to me, God - and now! I’ve run to you for dear life. I’m hiding out under your wings until the hurricane blows over.

Ps 119:105-112. Everything’s falling apart on me, God, put me back together again with your word.

 

Ps 64: 1 “Listen and help, O God. I am reduced to a whine and a whimper, obsessed with feeling of doomsday”

 

Ps 86:1-2 Bend an ear, God: answer me. I’m one miserable wretch! Keep me safe – haven’t I lived a good life? Help your servant -I’m depending on you!

 

Ps 102:1-2 God, listen! Listen to my prayer, listen to the pain in my cries. Don’t turn your back on me just when I need you so desperately. Pay attention! This is the cry for help! And hurry – this can’t wait.

 

Ps 130:1-2. Help, God – the bottom has fallen out of my life! Master, hear my cry for help! Iisten hard! Open your ears! Listen to my cries for mercy.

 

Ps 142:1-2 I cry out loudly to God, loudly I plead with God for mercy. I spill out all my complaints before him, and spell out my troubles in details.

 

At first, I would keep reading them and take solace in that fact that I plead the same thing over and over again. Every day is a new challenge to get back up and try again. But in any given day that I feel like I am stronger and can move forward, something happens and pushes me back 2 or 3 steps again.  I would feel like a failure over and over again, wondering will I ever get there? I took comfort in the fact that many of the Psalms begin with a cry out for help, and it is not always a whimper, it is often a demand using words like “help”, “listen”, “pay attention”, “listen hard”, “plead”, “open your ears”.  They are often said with exclamation marks after them that feel very demanding and desperate. I was always taught to pray with respect and to begin with ‘thank you’ and “praise you God for…”.  I know it is the way Jesus taught his disciples to pray and I want to be respectful indeed, but if I am honest I do find joy in the Psalmist’s cries of desperation. It is real and raw and helps me feel less like a failure and more like a normal mortal, who is simply struggling. 

 

But today as I read more Psalms begging God to help, I was comforted by something different. For a while now I have judged myself for wondering how long will I take till I never waver from His love and grace?  How long will I sing this whining song?  How long will it take till I learn and move forward?  I don’t know if you have ever felt stuck, like you are in a holding pattern and you just want to stop going back to the same old pains and struggles over and over again. I know it is how I feel all the time lately. I just want it all to stop. I long for the renewing of the mind. These words feel like a broken record and yet I find comfort in them when I read another Psalm that says: 

 

Ps 70: 5 But I’ve lost it, I’m wasted God – quickly, quickly! Quick to me side, quick to my rescue! God, don’t lose a minute.

 

Ps 77:4-6 I’m awake all night -not a wink of sleep; I can’t even say what’s bothering me. I go over the days one by one, I ponder the years gone by. I strum my lute all through the night, wondering how to get my life together.”

 

So, there is a small comfort in the reminder that if it was so easy to move forward, there would simply be one Psalm and not over 100 of them. The reality is that just as much as our human nature needs to hear things over and over again, we often do need to keep realising it is a journey and it takes time for restoration and re-storying. 

 

I took small comfort in the fact that there is something powerful about not feeling alone. But today I was struck by the fear there is something dangerous about staying there.  Many of the Psalms start in pain, but they don’t stay there. I realised that I had to stop myself from quickly moving over the “hopeful positive” statements to seek another verse where the Psalmist was crying out for help. I was reminded that is it maybe more important where you end, rather than where you start. It Is okay to plead, whine, cry out, demand help, acknowledge pain and struggles as long as you don’t stay there. And this is where possibly when the learning occurs. I must stop berating myself about why I am I still sad and lonely and change the destructive self-talk of “when are you going to learn, Tammy?” to asking different questions like: 

 

Am I still in the same place I was three years ago?

Are my dark days as dark as they used to be? 

When I am struck by pain, do I stay in the darkness as long as I used to?

When it hurts deeply and I feel the pain, do I stay there, or do I move through it?

Is my focus on the pain or the promise of hope that comes on the other side?

 

When my answers to these questions are “no” then I am learning and growing and changing, be it ever more slowly than I would hope for. When my desire is to focus on the hope more than the pain, I am heading in the right direction and it is all He asks for. I am challenged to “be still” and ponder the way each Psalm ends rather than my focus staying on the way it begins. While many of the Psalms begin with pleading and begging for God to help, they always end with: 

 

Ps 57:11. “Soar high in the skies, O God! Cover the whole earth with your glory”

 

Ps 64:10 “Be glad, good people! Fly to God! Good-hearted people, make praise your habit”.

 

Ps 86:17. “As you, God gently and powerfully put me back on my feet”. 

 

Ps 102:28 “Your servants’ children will have a good place to live and their children will be at home with you”

 

Ps 130:7 “…With God’s arrival comes love, with God’s arrival comes generous redemption”

 

Ps 142:7. “….your people will form a circle around me and you’ll bring me showers of blessing!”

 

Lord, I continue to pray for your strength daily, to keep my focus on your message of hope, love and grace. Help me to learn more about that each day and to learn that "to sing your praises is enough".