What makes a home?

I entered a beautiful, well ordered, nicely set out home. It had all the modern things that we consider a house needs; a fully equipped kitchen, lounge with two big TVs, in a safe neighbourhood. The rooms were nicely furnished and everything was in its place. The bed was very nicely made with a welcome note on the bed and a few lollies left for me from the owner. 

The owners were away, yet they graciously allowed me to stay there for three nights, which was a blessing. There were two boarders living there, and while friendly when we occasionally crossed paths in the hallways, they pretty much stayed in their own rooms behind closed doors. My schedule was busy so I spent very little time at the home, but I entered and left most days with all the rooms in darkness, hearing very little voices or life in the house...certainly no laughter. Of the two encounters I had with one of the boarders, one was to ask me to turn down my iPad while in my room as the sound of what I was watching was disturbing her in her room. The other was to make sure I put my glass in the dishwasher after I had a drink. 

Everything in the environment encouraged me to stay in my room, when there was a perfectly lovely lounge room, spa out the back, a lovely kitchen to cook and eat in. But the whole time I was there it was dark and closed up. I felt like it would be wrong the turn the light on and enjoy the spaces, even if it was by myself.

It was a beautiful looking house, but it was like being in a hotel, which in some ways was what it was for me. While for this trip it suited my purposes, it made me think how I couldn't live like this, and it made me wonder how many people actually do?

As I left on the third morning heading toward my loud, crazy home that is filled with people and noise and laugher, I appreciated more than ever before what really makes a home. See, I too have two boarders so I understand this living arrangement. We regularly congregate in the kitchen for long, fun conversations, the lounge room is rarely vacant, and there is laughter, activity and life. We insist on eating together as regularly as we can, we create environments where we do things together yet respect that everyone needs their own space. But I realise this happens because there is intentionality in our home to make it this way. It takes setting a tone of how we want to live in community, or at least how what living together in our home looks like. If we didn’t I could imagine how easy it would be for everyone to migrate to their rooms and only pass in the hallway occasionally. 

Another encounter I had with the other boarder was when she let me into the house. I asked her how long she had been living there. She said over a year, and continued on by saying she loves it when the owners are there, because there is always lots of family around. I know for a fact that it would have been a very different experience for me it they had been home. As the stewards of their home, they have the ability to create an environment that is either a home or a hotel and I know that they do that. Anyone however can be a part of making this happen. It is a matter of choosing it.

I know that my husband and I work hard at this, mainly because it is how we want to live together. But, I pray we are also able to model to all who live or stay with us in the short or long term, or for those who simply visit our home, that a home can be a safe, fun, empowering and life-giving place to do life with others.

A home is the people, not just the well planned floor plan: it's the personal interaction, not just the modern comforts : it's the love and shared life, not so much enough space that we can choose isolation. Maybe more than anything it is the choice for all in the household to be intentional about sharing the space. While that means our shared spaces get messy at times, sometimes “chaos” is apparent, lights and noise fill most spaces, the kitchen is full of smells and activity...my prayer is that people feel welcome, accepted and that when they enter our house, they have a place to call home. 

The Vietnam Way

If you have ever been to Vietnam you will know that crossing the road is an adventure and a confidence builder. Basically the rule is, step out and just keep walking, wave your hand a little, but don't stop... the cars, bikes, trucks, food vans and pedestrians work on the rule of “Yield and forgive.”

It means that if you walk out in front of someone, they will yield, forgive that you got in their way and simply go around you. There is something very invigorating stepping out in front of 3-4 cars coming directly towards you and as you keep walking and watch them all go around you in all different directions. If you stop or step back or hesitate, you mess up the flow and then you cause a crash...

Even if you do crash, they still work on the basis and Yield and forgive, and generally if there is not too much damage, just keep on going. I am sure that it doesn't always work, but it was fascinating to watch what would have meant a serious traffic jam with no one moving in Australia. In Vietnam it all just keeps moving. It is especially great when you are wanting to turn in from a side street and join the traffic. In Australia you would be waiting all day for a break in the traffic. In Vietnam you just drive on into the traffic and everyone drives around you. It is funny there are traffic lights that generally keep order on the roads, but often they are described as “a suggestion.”

I was only there for 10 days, but it was quite interesting how quickly you get used to it. The first day I got home to Australia, I drove to the shops, went around the roundabout, thinking I had plenty of time to cut in before the car coming around would reach me, but I was met with a horn blast and some very choice words...clearly I thought he would just slow down and let me in.

It works in Vietnam because everyone lives by the same rules...Yield and forgive...It doesn't work when everyone is not willing to “yield and forgive”...OOPS ... I quickly was reminded that I was back in Australia.  The rules are different here and it sometimes feels more like “get out of my way or I will let you know how I feel about it”...I mean, seriously, there was plenty of time for me to come into the roundabout before him!

Anyway, we had a family meeting not long after that and I was talking about how we would live together in one house as a family this year. It is a good thing to do each year as so much changes from year to year.  It made me think it was a great way to live...being other-centred that allowed for “Yielding and forgiving”, working around each other, forgiving quickly when we get in each others way, empowering each other to stay on track and encouraging each other, building confidence as each person steps out, knowing we will support that, not get in each others way. Knowing we don't have to stop all the time and command our own space and especially not “honking” at each other because things are not always going our own way.  Of course there needs to be rules and guidelines and maybe they need to be more than a “suggestion”, but even when rules are broken, living in such a way where we “yield and forgive”, like the grace that God gives us when His rules are broken. It is definitely a better way to live, is it not? 

Imagine what life would be like if we lived this way in everything.  I can’t explain it but in Vietnam, it was freeing, it built my confidence, I felt empowered and it was exciting. I know that under God’s grace and forgiveness I feel the same, and to live that out towards others is surely the way we are called to live.

Of course it only works when we all live the same way. As soon as someone breaks that rhythm ... crashes happen. And in families or households (close quarters) it happens all the time.

The question is how should we respond, “blame or punishment” or “yield and forgive.” It certainly started some good conversation in our family that day and although it sounded like a such a great idea, it has become very challenging to live it out in our family daily. How about yours?

We are called to LEAVE HOME

I believe a key requirement of the spiritual journey is to go out, to leave home, to “fall” or even “fail”. Yet, It seems to me as a parent I have done everything I can to keep my children at “home” or “safe”. I have looked at the Story of the Prodigal all wrong. For many years, the message always came from the perspective of the Eldest son, who did the “right thing” and stayed home. That has certainly been my own personal journey.  Yet, his loyalty in doing the “right” thing, his own entitlement, his quest to be obedient is what kept him from the very “celebration” that the father prepared, even begged him to come to. It seems that in Western society in particular, we do all we can as parents and even in the Church and/or Christian Schools to keep our children  IN the fold. We have created “eldest sons” and “Pharisees” with merit stickers, who can recite the books of the bible and can quickly judge those outside the church as “sinners” who need help. We forget that the "sinners" are the people Jesus spent most of his time with.  Jesus never seemed upset with “sinners”. He had more to say to those who did not think they were sinners.

For each of us and our children, the journey and challenges will be different. Whether it is issues of sexuality, career options, belief systems, self-perception, narcissism or something else, there will certainly be times in our lives when we move from “one passage to another” and if not done well, it can stunt our growth in one of these areas.

“Western people are ritually starved people, and in this are different than most of human history” (R. Rohr, pg 44)

As I ponder on my teenage years and moving into marriage and moving out to create my own home, I feel that there were “rites of passage” that I missed, that stunted my ability to move to the next season of my life. The conversations that “good” Christians DON’T have about sex and relationships, rules that must be honoured. I was so busy trying to keep the rules, that once it was time to move into the next “passage”, I didn’t know how to enter the next phase well.

Richard Rohr describes this necessary process as “discharging your loyal soldier”. 

“Paradoxically, your loyal soldier gives you so much security and validation that you may confuse his voice with the very voice of God. If this inner and critical voice has kept you safe for many years as your inner voice of authority, you may end up not being able to hear the real voice of God” (R. Rohr, pg 46)

 Nowadays we seemed to have thrown the “baby out with the bath water” and now there are no rules. The “rites of passage” become inconsequential because there is nothing sacred to move into, as it has already been experimented with at an early age. Nothing is sacred or special these days. This is just as sad and negative as living strictly by the rules.

So, am I saying that the rules are there to be broken, that the safe house/environment is to be created only to be left and abandoned?  In some ways I am...which is very hard for me to say for an “eldest son” who has stayed in God’s house all her life, although I would like to think that I have fought the system from within. It is hard for me to say as a parent with an 18 year old son who is about to leave all that we have tried to create for him for the past 18 years, to go into the world where he must journey to find who he is for himself. It is hard for me to say as a teacher/speaker who longs to see safe environments across the ages, growing and learning together and parents fully engaged with their kids on this journey.

The legalist in me honours the guidelines God sets, fully knowing that it is often when they are broken that we come to understand more fully His love and grace. I am thankful for that in my own personal faith walk. For me it means the intentional “rites of passage” and the “safe places” we create are even more important. They are important because when one “fails or falls” or doubts and questions or even walks away for whatever reason, there is always potential for growth, even total transformation, because there is a safe place to process. This is a better option than hiding, growing bitter, escaping, blaming or settling and living as a victim all your life. There is way too much of that happening in families, in the church and in the world today.

But there is a fine balance we walk, between teaching and living in a way that honours God and acknowledging that when we “fall” (and we all will) that He is a safe place to process this through. One of the “fallings” of the church /faith community I see is that we try to keep our “failings” secret. I have found as a Pastor that people don’t like me talking about my “fallings”... we must keep it all upbeat and positive.  Pastors are supposed to have it all together. When we keep our spiritual walk private, we don’t have accountably. Conflict resolution, painful relationships and differences of opinions have not been handled very well in many of the church communities I have been a part of throughout my life. It is sad that we are not able to be an example to the world in the way that we live and love each other. That is a direct command from God for the community of faith that He is very clear about. The journey is meant to be done together, in true community, which sometimes means seeing “the good, the bad and the ugly,” instead of simply aiming to show our “best face” on a Sunday morning.

Some of our “fallings” as parents come when we do the same; we feel we need to present as if we have it all together, to our children and to each other. Some of the most significant times as a parent with our kids are times when we have shown them that we have messed up, made a mistake, needed to say “sorry”.  I worry about parents who aren’t able to be vulnerable with their kids at times, homes that are always happy and where there are no arguments or tears. How can they ever live in a way that helps their children understand how to process difficult times?  As parents in community together, I have found the hardest people to walk with are protective parents; either protecting their own kids, or protecting their reputation. This makes change and growth very difficult. When we are spending all our energy “saving face” and not letting our kids “fall” or venture out for fear of falling, we can very rarely get to the actual issues. When we shut down, over-protect, emotionally react, close ranks, we stunt everyone’s growth. 

“Sin happens when we refuse to keep growing.” St Gregory of Nyssa

When it comes to “rites of passage”, how can this help the process?  I don’t know about your experience, but I am surprised by just how many opportunities and changes happen within a child’s life from the age of 0-18, let alone what happens in adulthood. There are so many opportunities we miss as we move from “passage to passage,” opportunities to put “words” and “anchor points” in massive changes and growth. Almost every year in a person’s life in the early years has potential to create moments. From learning to talk to God and others, to pre-school, to friends, to social interaction, learning responsibility, puberty, decisions for Christ, significant others who speak into their life, driving, intellectual achievements, spiritual disciplines, relating to the opposite sex at all different ages, independence, gift development, conflict resolution, playing a part in the family and then in society, becoming other centred.  There is something always changing.

 As a family we have found being strategic and intentional each year with key focuses have helped us navigate life together and as a result we have created our own little “rites of passages” along the way. I believe these have helped form our kids to where they are today.  And, in many ways it has been about putting up boundaries and them breaking them, resetting the boundaries and re-checking our own responses over and over again, while always applying grace, love and forgiveness.

I do believe a key requirement of the spiritual journey is to go out, to leave home, to “fall” or even “fail”.  The questions I must then ponder as a parent and a person who is a part of a faith community are;

Do I encourage our young ones to “go”, or am I pressuring them to “stay”?

When one “falls”, do they feel safe enough to share the load or do they feel they have to hide it?

Have the “passages” been celebrated and communicated well enough that our young people are prepared to move through them in a healthy way?

What can I do to be a part of creating a HOME and FAITH COMMUNITY which lives in such a way that the world will know we are His children living under grace and love and forgiveness?

We are called to leave home.....it's a "necessary" rite of passage.