Intentional Parenting

To be intentional simply means to be done with intention or on purpose. The irony is that whether we realise it or not, what we spend our time and money on, what we always talk about, what consumes our thoughts, actually shows us what is important in our lives. We will find the time, money and energy doing what we WANT to do and be very INTENT on seeing that it happens. SO, when parents say they just don’t have the time, money or energy they would like to have to be intentional with their kids, maybe it is an opportunity to stop and think … “what am I intentional about?”

I believe this is one of the very powerful “tools” to use when parenting with the end in mind. When we know what goal we are heading towards as we parent, then the tool of intentionally is key.

A website worth looking at is called “Intentional Parents.” They have as their opening statement, “The average parents follow the crowd. Intentional parents follow the goal.” It is so true.

As my husband and I have tried to be intentional parents for the past 18 years, we know we have fallen short many times, but we have not given up and will continue with INTENT and PURPOSE to do the best we can to help our kids hit their goals and most importantly God’s goals for them. We believe that we as parent have been called to do as much as we can to be INTENTIONAL in 4 areas. We aim to be intentional daily, weekly, on special occasions and in those once in a lifetime moments. And having a goal, an end in mind, has helped us to be Intentional in all these areas.

This started for us before the children were born and it has not stopped on a daily basis for the past 18 years. I’m not sure if it ever stops, it just keeps changing what is required from  us to walk with the kids we have been blessed to parent.

SO what does that mean in practical terms?

• DAILY ………over the year that has meant things like … prayers at night  with the kids when they were young, reading stories that become favourites, being open to the God conversations that can happen at any time,  meal times  together where we say grace and share the “best part of your day.”  I used to sing Georgia a song I wrote her as a lullaby as she went to bed.
  

  

  
  
• WEEKLY – over the years that has meant things like ... technology FREE family night, serving together regularly in ministry, jobs around the house, a special squeeze or shake that is between you and your child, a crazy song that my husband and daughter sing on Friday night because it is the weekend, and many conversations in the kitchen with all of us sitting on the benches. 
  
  
• SPECIAL OCCASIONS – over the years that has meant things like ... key holidays/road trips where we read a book of the Bible a chapter each day and discussed it, dates of one parent and a child doing something special together, yearly family mission trips to Cambodia, creating traditions at Christmas like cutting down a real Christmas tree and decorating while listening to Mariah Carey, watching the “The Passion” at Easter together, camping and water skiing every summer holidays,  birthday mornings where the kids jump onto Mum and Dad’s bed.
  
  
  
  

  
• ONCE IN A LIFETIME – over the years that has meant things like ...Time capsule at 1 year of age to be opened at 18, celebrating starting School with a fun meal, a year of empowerment at the age 13 where key older spiritual people speak into our children’s lives culminating with a celebration of them and a gift symbolizing them moving into adulthood, offering an alternative to schoolies where they can go on a special trip with a parent to conquer a challenging walk, family spiritual journey to go to Israel to walk where Jesus walked and to be Baptised in the Jordan river.

If you are INTENTIONAL and PURPOSEFUL about it you might be amazed how God can use this to create a solid foundation for your kids to walk into the rest of their lives.  Of course there are no guarantees, it has to be their journey, but INTENTIONAL parenting is what we are called to do at the very least.

Here are some other ideas which a small group of parents brainstormed together as we gathered to INTENTIONALLY talk about how to parent with the end in mind.

DAILY : ·         Kisses and Hugs ·         Meals together daily ·         Morning Devotions ·         Pet names ·         Pray before the walk to school ·         Nightly Blessing ·         Debrief from the day over dinner ·         Play board games/puzzles with young children ·         Massage / Shoulder rub

WEEKLY ·         Homework @ the bench ·         Taco Tuesday ·         Kids choose what we have for dinner ·         Park / Beach outing ·         Saturday night board game ·         Pyjama Day ·         Tea party Tuesday ·         Friday night movie night/ dinner in  front of the TV ·         Dinner and movie night OUT ·         BBQ Breakfast ·         Prayer for our sponsor child ·         Pancakes Saturday morning ·         Friday night sport watching

SPECIAL OCCASIONS ·         Family camp/weekend away  ·         Cooking together ·         Lunch together to celebrate end of school year ·         Annual extended family holiday ·         “You’re a star” plate to celebrate achievement ·         Theme park adventure once a year ·         Pizza @ the lighthouse on the shortest or longest day ·         BIG family Christmas ·         Scrapbook memories / celebrate milestones ·         School rewards – coffee/hot chocolate after school ·         Pupil free days – make them special days with the family. ·         Special Dinner on report night ·         Birthday treasure hunts ·         Homemade advent calendars at Christmas ·         Passover with friends and family (food, candles etc) ·         Eat whatever you want on your birthday ·         Favourite dinner on birthday ·         Night before Christmas – read a particular story ·         Christmas light hunting around the streets ·         Camping family recipes ·         Road Trips

ONCE IN A LIFETIME ·         Celebrate Milestones with friends and mentors ·         Coming of age holiday with parent of choice ·         Do a challenging hike with each child at a  certain age ·         Dinner out with Mum or Dad to celebrate  first great school report ·         Coming of age for daughter – pamper  night with Mum and Grandma ·         Shared experience eg. Back to parent’s  home country, Israel – walk where Jesus walked,  special place for parents to share with kids,  a place everyone  has wanted to go. ·         Take you first drive on “L”’s ·         1st Bike – celebrate it ·         Special holiday with someone close e.g. Grandparent. ·         Road trip when they get their “L”s ·         Finishing school celebration with family ·         Big weekend away @ 10 – special time to  talk about puberty ·         Letters from extended family ·         Celebrate engagement and marriage well ·         Climb a mountain and pray together at the top.

If Intentional parents follow the goal …what are you aiming for? The way we spend our time, money and energy shows what we are intentional about. How can you be more intentional?

To "change or not to change?"

I have lived in Wollongong the majority of my life and the local place that I shop at has been the same for many years. So, when they decided to change the entrance and exit and remark the paths to get into the parking lots, I have been surprised how hard it has been for me to change.  It feels like every day I keep driving up the wrong lane and as a result disobey the arrows on the ground. I get stuck and can’t get to where I want to go, because the way I have gone for so long is imprinted in my brain and I can’t seem to retrain my brain to change. I find myself getting frustrated, thinking to myself, this is not logical, questioning why they changed this because I can’t see how it is better and then being a little head strong and doing it the old way anyway! This does go against my deep desire to be obedient and do the right thing, so each day as I drive up the wrong lane, against the arrows I think to myself ...wow, change is really hard !

Change is hard when you have been doing something for so long a particular way, your pathways in your brain are marked out very clearly and to retrain or make new pathways is a hard process. And that is even when you want to change!  When it comes to obeying the arrows at my local shopping spot, clearly I don’t want to change. So the theory of “28 times to change a habit” is not working for me yet.

But when it comes to something that really matters, it has reminded me how important it is to make sure we get the right foundational pathways in our brain to start with. One, because if we get it wrong, change is so much harder later on, and two, because if we get it right in the first place, it creates a firm foundation that helps us NOT to change and go with whatever new fad the world wants to try and convince us is right at the time.

In a shifting world of values, rules, behaviours and TRUTH, one can become very unbalanced very quickly without a firm, strong foundation which I believe is BEST when it is based on God’s truth and worldview. Even within Christendom today I have been disturbed by the shakiness of peoples’ interpretation of God’s TRUTH and the constant change in worldview that is in our face daily. As a parent and Christ follower I am struggling with the changing view of what is God’s TRUTH as I hear biblical scholars I have loved and respected now changing their view of God’s TRUTH.

I am someone who sees the value of CHANGE, having been an agent of change in my ministry field for many years, but I do believe when it comes to God’s TRUTH, it (HE) has never changed. How we deliver the message must always change, but His truth always was, always is and always will be TRUTH. It is firmly embedded as a foundation upon which I base my daily life,  yet I acknowledge I have changed and grown over the years, which I am hoping is maturity, as God teaches me more and more deeply who He is and who I am in HIM. 

But given how clearly stubborn I am when it comes to changing the way I drive into a parking lot, it has caused me to step back and make sure I am not being open to change that is simply a part of life and necessary or being sure of some changes that we must resist in order to live in a way that HONOURS God’s truth?

It begs the questions......

Q: When is change necessary and when is God’s TRUTH, as the foundation by which we make our daily decisions, the key to helping us navigate change?

                Q: What never changes and what is always changing and how do we know the difference?

I think someone much wiser than me has prayed that for some time now.  American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr (1892–1971) penned this prayer in the 1930’s.

This prayer is still our prayer today, in the rapid times of change....

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can,

And the wisdom to know the difference

As a parent I want to ground my children in God’s foundational TRUTH that never changes, so that when the winds of secularism blow through, they know when NOT to change and when to be OPEN to change.  As a Pastor and Leader, I long to know when God’s foundational TRUTH gives me strength to hold onto what is important, when to show grace and love and when to stand firm.  In my own personal faith walk I long to know GOD’s foundational TRUTH in such a way that I know when to be silent and listen, when and how to speak of issues which arise daily that we can no longer avoid or sit on the fence about.

To "change or not to change?" that is a REAL question.

  

The ENCOUNTER must be yours.....

Our encounters with Jesus must be our own. A Christian will not get very far on someone else’s encounters.  This is a very important formation piece. When Jesus left this earth, He said “It is better that I Leave so the spirit can come.” (John 16:7) If Jesus was still present and visible on this earth our focus would be on Him, where He is, what He is doing, seeing Him as much as we can and trying to get contact with Him. After all, He is the Son of God, so who wouldn’t?  It is our human nature to get our inspiration from tangible things.

Jesus said that the comforter would come; a guide, a teacher who would be available to everyone, everywhere, anytime. The spirit has been described as the wind, breath, life that flows, a fire and much more.

“The wind can be blowing, but if your sail isn’t raised, you wont go far. You can be surrounded by oxygen, but if you don’t breathe, it won’t do you any good. The sap can be flowing, but if the branch is not connected to the vine, it will wither. If you don’t put wood in your hearth, a lit match won’t burn long. It is the same with the spirit. All that remains is for us to learn how to let the spirit fill, flow and glow within us.” (McLaren, PG 254)

While there is important strength to be found in the community of faith and being with others that spur us on, our encounters with the Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit must be our own.

Sometimes I feel sad that I didn’t live in the time of Jesus, and get to actually meet Him and sit at His feet and see the miracles He did, but then I realise that now I have something so beautiful. I have His spirit inside me, guiding me daily, never leaving me. I don’t have to go to a service, a meeting, a conference, trek to a far off land to meet a man who may place his hand on me and bless me. I can encounter Jesus daily, just Him, as I get up in the morning, as I walk through the day, as I lay down at night.

Formation and growth can happen at any time, when you “walk with the spirit of Jesus”. But this must be your own journey.

Sometimes the church “mis-communicated” to young and old, that programs, services, teachers and leaders are who you must come to, to encounter Jesus?  Have we created spaces, liturgy, services, practices and processes where we have come to believe that if we do, recite, or attend, then and only then, Jesus will fill us again? We must be aware that this is our human nature that needs to make a formula out of things; that desires to have 4 steps to assure an encounter. It becomes a dangerous thing when people come to church for the purpose of getting another fix, another shot to keep them going for the next week.  

As I read more and more about the life of Jesus, He sensed when people were enjoying the spectacle of being with Him, and it was then that He would often retreat. Jesus did things differently all the time. Each encounter with individuals was exactly that, unique and individual?  There are some things that never change … the fruit of the spirit is always love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. This fruit guides us in what is really the Spirit of Jesus working in us and its purpose is always about transformation of a person’s life. 

We ask why are so many people leaving the church? I believe it is partly because they are withering from being unconnected and have found the conduit of a service or a leader is not enough anymore. Because they can’t breath throughout the week well enough, and the oxygen they get on a Sunday morning is just not enough. Because they have not been encouraged or taught to put their own sails up and catch the daily wind of the spirit. Because their kindling has all burnt up as they are waiting from Sunday to Sunday, or from event to event, and it is just too long. In the meantime they find other things to get the fire going. If we are going to be to "Here2Stay" in life long discipleship, our encounters must be our own.

We cannot put a program, a set time a day, an age limit, or 6-week course on the Spirit of Jesus. The spirit of Jesus is not limited for some to access and share out as they will. Our encounter with Jesus must be our own. The greatest thing any program, ministry, leader or church can do is to keep drawing us closer to the truth that our encounter with Christ must be our own. The spirit is always moving, always present and we must learn how to let the spirit fill, flow and glow within us.

What is your “Jesus Encounter” story?