To BE or NOT to BE twisted, that is the question?

Some young adult girls and I have been meeting together in a group called “TWISTED”.  Like Ecc 12 says,  A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. The desire was to create a space where young girls aged between 12 and 21 (and myself) could be twisted with each other and with God. To create a space where they could grow and support each other as young “Godly” woman.  The course ended and we sat down together to chat about whether the group wanted to remain TWISTED together.  As each girl, in turn, shared what they had valued about being a part of the group and I sat back and listened.  I was amazed how in such a short time, how deep the relationships had formed. For those who were there, there was a strong hesitancy of not wanting the group to end, and for some the thought of unraveling was a very sad thought.  I wondered, “What does I mean to be or not to be TWISTED?  For, there were some that started with us that unraveled themselves from the group very early and choose not to be connected, not to be vulnerable, not to share. As a result they had drifted away and didn’t make it to the end of the course. There are others that threw themselves right into it and felt so connected that the thought of stopping or not being a part of this group made them cry. There was one young that had to unravel as she was leaving the country and there was pain for many who didn’t want her to leave. There were others that skirted around the edges and stayed close enough to gain something, but didn’t give very much to others. 

I wondered why do we choose to NOT be TWISTED, involved, connected, and accountable even. It is that we are afraid of getting hurt?  Because If that is the reason, I saw a lot of pain from the girls who didn’t want to stop meeting and a lot of pain from the girls as they realized those who weren’t with us. It seems that pain happens either way, we just have to decide what kind of pain is better, the pain were we are all alone or where we get to cry together.

As King Solomon said in Eclesiastes 12:13–14

Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

King Solomon reflects back on a life that was long on experience but short on lasting rewards. As king, he had the opportunity and resources to pursue the rewards of wisdom, pleasure, and whatever he desired. Yet I cant help but get the feeling that as was reflecting that he wished for a simpler life, lived in light of God’s direction. And though he was probably never really lonely, one must ask did anyone really know Him?

Ultimately, the great truth of Ecclesiastes lies in the acknowledgment of God’s ever-present hand on our lives. Even when injustice and uncertainty threaten to overwhelm us, we can trust Him and follow after Him.

I see it too many times, when things get tough and uncertain, that people run away rather than push into God and those that love them. That’s when we need to be TWISTED even more, yet it is the time when people most often unravel.

As with the community that I am involved in, we seek to live in a way that reflects true community. We have been surprised how many find this really hard and would rather unravel themselves and stay on the outside, especially if it means avoiding showing weakness, pain, failure or hurt, and especially forgiveness. True community means that it is messy, uncomfortable, embarrassing and yet rich and loving as well.  I am amazed at those who would rather sit in a pew, shake someone’s hand as they leave a service, without noone really knowing them at all rather than live in the kind of community that Christ calls us to.

We see the UNRAVELLING in marriages, friendships, families, churches, and in the workplace. We see it everywhere. The sad thing is that whatever we choose to stay TWISTED or to go it alone, we can’t avoid “pain”. We can numb it, we can distract, we can deny, we can run, we can disconnect, we can isolate but it is still painful. So to be or not to be TWISTED, that is the question. We can do it alone or with others. I understand the desire to run away and hide. I also know that those are the times when we need God the most and often need just ONE person that knows us so well that whatever is going on, you know they will love, forgive and listen. That is what is means to be TWISTED, to live in true community. It is a choice……its your choice, I know which I choose…how about you?

    

“Frozen” – The hero’s adventure - Part 2

The movie, frozen, is so rich with challenges about parenthood and growing up. The parents of this movie had a deep desire to love and care for their children, but their actions and choices ended up leaving the girls unprepared for the challenges of adulthood.

For many children the childhood fantasy of growing up in a castle, as a prince or princess would be seen as a dream come true.  The reality was that their castle was a prison, which proves that we can’t judge someone’s’ life from the outside. What can look beautiful and amazing on the outside could be a shell hiding many painful things. Elsa and Anna lived empty and hidden for the whole of their childhood and as a result Elsa in particular grew up feeling mostly shame and fear. She was taught she must hide her feelings and not let others in. Still today, I believe that many people/children learn this skill in order to survive.  As Elsa breaks free of this shame and fear, she leaves a wake of ICE destruction in her path and everyone she meets is negatively affected.  But, although destructive and sad, there is triumph here, as Elsa and Anna, for the first time begin their real journeys of finding out who they are and why they are on this earth. It is such a shame that this journey begins in such a tragic way, but often we will not change unless we are forced to.

“The very first sign of a potential hero’s journey is that he or she must leave home, the familiar, which is something that may not always occur to someone in the first half of life ( In fact, many people have not left home by their thirties today, and most never leave the families at all)

 (pg 21, R. Rohr, Falling Upward, 2011)

It is only when Elsa leaves the castle and ventures out to run away from the the problems she has created, that she begins to truly grow and live. Her world is opened up and the screen become s much larger and she does too.

So,  as a parent I am inspired to think about providing a stable, safe and strong environment that my children will learn to fly and be all they can be without having to be destructive and get so lost in the process. 

I have to be honest, in this quest as a parent, in wanting them to fly; I never really wanted thought about them actually flying AWAY! Selfishly, I want them to stay. Cause if they are happy, they will stay...RIGHT. If we do it right as parents they will want to stay around.  I’m thinking if we create a warm loving family environment, a castle that has it all, unlike the princess' situation, then our children will be well adjusted and strong.

So you can imagine the rub for me recently, as my eldest, is turning 17, started saying that he can’t wait to leave home, travel and live his own life. I must say, there’s a small part of me that says “Yay, my husband and I can’t wait to have the house to ourselves” but then the major part of me  says “why, are you so desperate to leave us.... you better not go to far away.... and what if you make bad decisions..... I am so scared you will end up in a situation that I might not be able to help you out of” ....because of course it is all about me...right.

But I had to stop myself and my crazy thinking. I must release my kids and let them become the hero in their own story. I ask myself who is the real Hero in the FROZEN movie?  Is it not Anna, the one who leaves the castle  not to run away and find herself, but to go on an adventure to find her beloved sister, as she could never believe that Elsa is as evil as everyone thinks. Isn’t she the one that risks, that falls and gets back up, that puts herself out there, that makes mistake and learns from them, that sacrifices because of her deep love and finds lasting friendships along the way. What a hero’s journey.

So, I must reposition my thinking and remember that whether your children leave, to find themselves or simply to find adventure, the important thing is that they do Leave....for only then do  we help our kids become the Hero in their own story,

"Frozen” Parenting - Snow is soft but ice can hurt - Part 1

Frozen the movie has been a BIG hit for kids and families this year, and rightly so, it has everything, humour, adventure, romance and friendship, fantastic music, all set within a wonderful winter setting. But the deeper themes are so powerful for parents in particular, let us NOT let it go....without seeing it as a powerful reminder of the journey of life and the role we play as parents to either empower  or “overprotect” our children from becoming all they can be.

 The older sister has a gift, a talent. She can make soft snow which creates beauty and fun, for her and her sister Anna to enjoy. But, like any talent or gift it can be our greatest strength or our most powerful weakness. When, she accidently hurts her sister, the parent’s choose to lock her up in order to protect both the girls. To protect them was ONE choice but not the only choice.

 There is a strong need in us all as parents to protect.  It is a beautiful thing to want to protect our innocent children, to make sure they don’t have to go through any pain and in Elsa’s case, protecting others from being hurt as well. But, Instead of helping Elsa to learn to control her feelings and her powers, the parents choose to “Cotton Wool” her. By doing this, she is cut off from the world and those that could grow to love her, but are never given the chance. This disempowerment begins a long line of incidents and problems, and naturally the situation goes from bad to worse.

“As parents, we don’t want them out of our sight. As educators, we’re concerned about liability and feel we need to avoid risk. We believe we are protecting our future by protecting them. In reality, we may be harming the future” [1]

One of the most challenging issues our children and teenagers face today is they are not prepared for LIFE.  So many are not prepared for stepping out and facing the world in such a way that they can contribute and see the challenges as something to learn from. Many are afraid to FAIL and yet falling down is one of the best ways to learn. Many are still at home long into their 20’s and do not know what they want to do with their lives. It is a growing problem in western society.

Today as a parent, it is much harder to protect as Elsa’s parents did, locking the doors and closing the windows is not that easy anymore. The internet comes right into our so called “Safe places”. Again our response should not be to protect or shut it all out, it doesn’t prepare them.  Princess Anna is a great example, she is shut in so much that the first man that smiled at her, she was willing to marry. She was not a good judge of character and she was not prepared for by anyone to deal with love and so much more.

There are many aspects of Technology that we all must be aware of, but we must empower rather than always protect.  In the SMH, there was an article called “Msg to MUM: don’t panic” Professor Boyd says “Statistically, facebook is less dangerous than the mall, which is less dangerous than the home. What most parents fail to realize is that the young people who are at risk in the mall and on facebook and those who are also at risk at home. These are youth that are surrounded by abuse, addiction, and mental health struggles. They look for attention in all the wrong places.”(SMH, April 5-6, 2014, pg32)

I understand this desire to protect, I don’t want my kids to get hurt or hurt anyone else. I have always felt if you provide a stable, safe and strong environment that my children will learn to fly and be all they can be. But this doesn’t happen without a few falls, without a few challenges and without a few bumps along the way. I have learned the hard way to STOP saving my children in the little things, in hope it prepares them for the BIG things that will come their way.

They have gifts and talents that need to be harnessed and developed. The home is the place where they spend most of their time when they are young. It needs to be a place where they can come to know who they are, and why they are here on this earth and what can they contribute to this short life. I believe we are called to “live life to the full” (John 10:10), as parents, in God’s strength and guidance what are you doing to help your children to become all they can be?   Are you protecting or empowering them?

They can’t spend their whole lives playing in the snow, one day it will become ICE and the question will be “Are they ready?”

[1] Tim Elmore, iY Generation, pg 22