Is this all there is?

My 27 years of ministry have certainly not been what I thought they would be in the beginning.  When I started at 20 years old I wanted to change the whole world. One of my favourite verses has always been Philippians 4:13, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  But when I was 20 I read it as, “I CAN DO ALL THINGS through Christ who strengthens me”.

As I hit my 40^th birthday I wondered “Is this all there is?” I found myself feeling very sad.  I was not anywhere I thought I would be!  According to the visions I felt God had given me, I had clearly missed the boat. I looked back over key times in my life at choices I made that made no earthly sense.  I had walked away from promotions, key positions in churches, promising job offers all with the thought that I was listening to God and trying to be faithful to His calling.  Philippians 4:13 is still a key verse for me but now I read it like this, “Ï can do all things THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME”.  I know that is a better way to read it and I would love to say a more mature way to read it but for me at 40 I knew it was more about defeat, disappointment and resignation.

“ We are more struggling to survive than to thrive, more just “getting through” or trying to get to the top than finding out what is really at the top was already at the bottom” (Richard Rohr, “Falling Upward”, pg 17, 2011)

At my 40^th birthday I sang this song and wanted so much to believe that I was ok with these words and the journey they were taking me on.

This is one of those moments when all that really matters is crystal clear
We are woven together by whatever threads of life that have brought us here
We are stripped of all our layers we are getting to the core
Tell me something real and nothing more

'cause I don't know why
I don't know how
I don't know where
maybe all I know is love

So I'm here between the bookends of everything that was and what will be
There's a wealth of every nation not so many answers it seems to me
So I face the unfamiliar and nothing's clear
only blinding faith can carry me from here

And I don't know why
I don't know how
I don't know where
maybe all I know is love

Hold my hand and hold this moment time sure feels precious don't it
Life is always changing this I know

By Amy Grant

Now at 47 years old, I finally not only believe these words but feel peaceful about the journey.  Even more importantly I am undisturbed with the question, “Is this all there is?  It has been more of a journey of letting go rather than trying to make MY visions come true.  It has been about learning the art of contentment and viewing all that life brings as a privilege rather than something to be achieved.

So today, I find myself in a small, LOVING, messy, intergenerational faith community. I am happily married, 31 years on, to an amazing man of God.   We have been through the furnace and heat of the REFINERS fire and emerge stronger and more in love because of it.   Our two beautiful teenagers are precious to us.  They love being around us even on our TFT nights (Technology Free Tuesday).  They call me a technophobe, but I love being with them!  Daily I am involved in the lives of others; encouraging them, walking with them, seeing enough transformation and breakthrough to hang in there. I have the opportunity to travel, write, speak and sing every now and then too.    Despite all of this I am more UNCERTAIN of what my calling as a leader should look like than I ever was at 20 years of age and yet I feel more at peace as I learn the art of being a SERENE disciple.   As I ask myself am I okay if “this is all there is?”  I can now honestly say, “YES, YES, YES.....!”

If you are a leader who wants to see more and has visions that you feel are from God that have not yet eventuated, I  encourage you to continue to focus on what you do SEE and NOT on what you DON’T SEE.  He will TRANSFORM you in the process.  I am convinced that this is all that TRULY matters to HIM.

In order for me to continue to answer “YES” to the question, “Is this all there is?” I have adopted this as my daily prayer:

“Lord help me to know the things I cannot NOT do because of what you have become in me, to know the things I do not need to do because they are not mine to do and to know the things I must absolutely do because they are my destiny and deepest desire.” (My adaption from mediation by R.Rohr, “Falling Upward”, pg 166, 2011)