There are so many times as parent when you feel like you fail your
kids, and you just wish you were stronger, more self controlled, more wise,
more like....”God” really .....Or is that just me!
Last week my daughter was having an anxiety attack. She was working her
way up to being very distressed and as often happens it was the same day that I
had had a difficult day and was feeling like I needed space. She started as she
was going to bed and I could see she was getting all worked up. We all know
that when we are tired, this is not a time to have a deep conversation. As she
started, I could feel myself bubbling inside and although I am mid 40's and
should know better, I lost it and told her that “I couldn’t do this tonight;
she would have to deal with this herself." I closed the door and
went to my room to have space. Now there’s a "collision" of the
negative kind.
As I sat in my room thinking what a horrible mum I am, there was a knock
on the door. My teenager crept in and looked at me with "blood red eyes"
and said "I am so sorry mummy for upsetting you, I will deal with this
myself" and then she left. Now I am feeling even worse, here she is apologising
to me, because I lost it and couldn't be mature enough to be there for my
daughter in her anxiety issues.
She needed her mum and I was not there for her, worse, I
told her to go away. Yes, knowing when we need space and being able to regroup
to be there for someone else is important at times, but what had I just done to
my child?
When you collide with others, no one is untouched; it changes everyone
who is a part of the collision. Sometimes this painful, sometimes it is not,
sometimes it is negative, sometimes is is positive, but
it always brings change.
to conflict in attitude, opinion, or desire; clash; disagree
to crash together with a violent impact”.
I knew this feeling
that night...... but I actually
believe that "collisions" can also have the
potential to be life transforming experiences that create
environments for spiritual growth for all involved..
In physics, collisions refer to the close approach of two or more
particles or substances that results in a abrupt change of momentum or exchange
of energy[2] Now that sounds better.
So in that moment I had a choice. I could sit in my room and enjoy
my space alone. I could sit a cry about what a failure of a mother I was or I
could grow up, put my own stuff aside and be there for my daughter the best way
I could. In God's transforming strength, I went into her room, apologized for not being there for her, we hugged and cried. I said very calmly,
"right now, what I can give you is a loving cuddle, a space to feel
safe, while we watch something on the TV, but there is to be no talking, just
cuddles and re-direction of our emotions, till we have a good night’s sleep and
talk about all this in the morning". We spent the next 2 hours in silence,
(anyone who knows my daughter knows how
hard that that was for her)., in each other’s arms, watching a TV show. And
that night we both slept well.
Our collision may not
have started positive, but it ended
well. We were both stronger in
ourselves and we are closer to each other for it. There are
many times when we shouldn't run from a "collision", or even
berate ourselves for not getting it right the first time. “Collisions” can be
messy, always challenging, but if we
push into them, and as a result I believe we will grow and be
transformed because of it. I believe I am a better mum, when I say
sorry, don’t give up, and remind myself, I will not get it right every time,
but there’s always time for recovery, saying you are sorry and trying again.
[1] Collins English Dictionary – Complete and Unabridged © HarperCollins Publishers 1991, 1994, 1998,
2000, 2003
for more collisions.......www.collide.net.au
This is great Tam - and love the photo of you. That's a face I remember! And now you have one like that looking back at you. That's life, eh?
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