Joy is a Choice

This particular day in lockdown felt like it could sting. My daughter turned 21 and we could not celebrate it the way we had planned, the family was all separated and not able to be together.  COVID has affected us all in so many difficult, tragic and inconvenient ways. Some we can laugh off and let it go, some that sting. I know there has been much pain and loss for so many and the question is how we face it and move forward. 

 

It is when we feel separated, isolated, on the outside looking in, restricted even from human touch, or completely cut off which can happen in multiple ways; that grief, panic, anxiety, fear and tears and anger can take a hold. 

 

I wrote on my daughter’s card: 

 

“This is not the day we planned, but we are learning this is the day we have. Live it well, make the best of each moment and today, like any other day can be a happy one” 

 

A day that could have stung, ended up having some lovely highs, because we chose to make the best of little moments that we could have. The isolation made me more aware of the things that are most precious and allowed me to grieve more deeply for what I no longer have. Most importantly, I did not let the pain and loss destroy the joy.

 

As one so much wiser than me said: 

 

“Joy is possible even amid great labours – the labour of dying, the labour birthing, and the labours between. We cannot force it. But we can create moments to breathe through labour pains and surrender our senses to the present moment, notice the colours and light and feeling of being alive, here, together, joy comes more easily…….Joy returns us to everything good and beautiful and worth fighting for…joy is the gift of love: it makes the labour an end it itself. I believe labouring in joy is the meaning of life” (Valarie Kaur, 2020)

 

I reminisced where I was 21 years ago when my daughter was born and pondered on all that I had back then.  During the ‘actual’ labour, there were so many moments of joy that I took for granted, that now feel lost amidst complication and pain. 

I know this day could have gone many ways. I had the choice to bring joy or pain, grief or laughter, possibilities or giving up, love or pity, grace or unforgiveness, prickly or soft, hope or hopelessness. Every moment was a choice. Every moment is a choice. And often it is not a choice I can make in my own strength.

This is not the life I planned, but I am learning that this is the life I have…………I choose to live it well, to make the most of each moment and choose today and each day from now on, that there will be happy moments again. 

 

“Performance of joy while the wounds are still being inflicted is not a display of otherworldly strength. It is an act of faith that God will not give us more than we can bear”. (R. Rohr, 2021)

 

I am thankful for my loving Heavenly Father who holds me up every step of the way. I would not and could not, do it in my own strength. I know we all have those days that sting, those times when life throws you something that seems too hard to bear, when the day or life you planned falls apart.  It is in these moments we must choose to believe that that ‘labouring in joy IS the meaning of life.’

 

 

 

 

 

It's Solvable, in a world where so much is not.

I can’t believe how many puzzles I have done in the past 12 months and why I am enjoying them so much. I can get lost in them, no matter how hard they are.  

 

The word ‘puzzle’ infers a mystery, something to be solved that might not otherwise be.  But actually, if you persist, they are all solvable. Every piece will have a place if you persist long enough. When doing a puzzle, you know that determination and patience pay off because it can be finished. The fact is that each shape doesn’t need to change, it just is, and more than that it is a vital piece, just the way it is. Even those pieces that are all the same colour, their unique shape makes them important to simply fit in a particular place and allow the puzzle to be completed. The piece can’t say, no I don’t want to fit there, it just does. It can’t say, I want to change shape. If it did, then the puzzle could never be completed.  Each piece is perfect just the way it is, and by finding its place its purpose is fulfilled.

 

This doesn’t mean the process is easy. You can spend hours and hours and not feel like you are getting anywhere. I had friend with me when I was at the stage where I had the sky left on a puzzle and literally there were 50-60 pieces that were all the same colour blue. She looked and said, “this is the stage I simply quit and pack it up. You can see it is a sky, what’s the point of finishing it? It so frustrating.” 

 

Instead, I spent hours of meticulously placing piece by piece into a slot knowing that out of the 50 or so potential pieces one would fit perfectly if I persevered. 

 

And there are those moments where one of the pieces of the puzzle is in the wrong place. You feel stuck and find that many other pieces don’t fit. It throws the whole puzzle off.  It can look right, but there is a subtle uniqueness to each piece so they all only fit on one place. You need to really look and spend quality time putting everything in its rightful place. There are times I’m required to re-do parts of the puzzle to get back on track, but this is never the puzzle’s fault, this is always my mistake. Quitting is an option, but persevering it always worth it, to solve the mystery, the “puzzle”. Of course, we are not solving anything, this puzzle has been solved already; planned and created for a perfect finished result. I am merely learning as I go, what the creator has already planned out long ago. 

 

So, while I am observing all this, I am wondering to myself, why do I keep doing puzzles? I mean it’s not like I desperately want to see the picture. I only have to look on the box to get that sort of enjoyment. Like my friend said, you can see it is a blue sky, so why do you have to finish it? 

 

Besides all the metaphors and deep reflection that has come with this pondering, I think for me it is simply that in a complicated world and life, especially when COVID hit and we were all faced with so much that no longer made sense, or that we could do nothing about, the fact that puzzles are solvable was simply a relief. I knew that even if it took me a long time, if I was going to put a whole lot of effort and time into it, the result was going to be a perfect puzzle at the end where every piece fit and every piece mattered. The fact was that the result was assured from the start, the end was clear and if I simply played my part the result would be a 100% success. In a world where there is little you can say that about, it is a comfort for a time. The fact that the pieces were not going to change shape or colour mid-stream, created for me a comfort in that it was a known challenge and I knew what I had signed up for.  There was the occasion where a piece would go missing, which I was fully able to acknowledge was a fault on my part, not the puzzle’s fault.  I could live with that slight disappointment knowing that it didn’t change the fact that the puzzle would always be solvable.  

 

“It is finished”. (John 19:30) 

 

The promise of Jesus story is the same for me. “It is finished” His final words, which promise that the price is paid, the end is assured, the hope is real. Each piece is finally in place, so the whole picture is revealed for those who are willing to see it, accept it and surrender to it. The mystery of the puzzle of life is solved in Him. It is the only thing that makes sense to me right now and it is the only thing I can be assured of. 

 

So, this is a journey of learning as I go, knowing that I am simply called to persevere, not give up, delve deeply, appreciate each piece is unique and special and has a place. I choose to trust there will be times when all I can see is so many pieces, that I don’t know where they all go right now, even acknowledging that some may be lost through no fault of the creator, but knowing that in the end, “it is finished”.   

 

“For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith”. (1 John 5:4) 

 

Do I really want to be like you?

I wrote a children’s song called “I want to be like you”. I love to sing it with kids and teach them about the importance of allowing God to shape and mould us.  I have always considered it was about as we grow and need to be mouldable to His will as we develop and mature, especially for our children. 

 

“The potter moulds and makes, bends and breaks, design me to be, a servant for you.”

 

As I have done the actions over and over again; the bending, breaking, the shaping, the moulding, and the deep desire I have had to “want to be like God” in life, it is something that has been my prayer since I was a child.  

 

I have loved the visual of the clay and the ability to feel it in my hands and imagine shaping and moulding clay as I long to see people’s lives shaped and moulded by Him, and also my own life. 

 

Whoever said the simple promises of God cannot be powerful at any age, is clearly mistaken. This song and its promises have struck a deep chord with me recently and I am not sure I can even sing the song at the moment without feeling like an imposter.

 

I realise that lately I have been that clay that has arrogantly been saying to the potter, “what are you making?” And questioning not only the moulding and making, but especially the bending and breaking of how the Potter has been making me more like Him lately.  We can so easily say, ‘yes Lord, bend and break me’ until He does and then all we can say is, “what are you making?” And to be honest I have been very angry with the Potter.  

 

Isaiah 45:9 

 

“Woe to those who quarrel with their maker, those who are nothing but potsherds among the potsherd on the ground. Does the clay say to the potter, What are you making? Does your work say, “The potter has no hands?”

 

It would seem I have been doing exactly that. I have simply been saying to God, I am done, I am out, I don't like this anymore and I don't want to be broken and bent and shaped by you any longer.  I am a potsherd - a broken piece of pottery. I am shattered on the ground and I would like you to simply sweep me up and place me in the bin. I am done. 

 

I am ashamed for all those years I have urged children and people to allow God to bend and break them so they can be more like Him. I have prayed that for my life, but now I want to take it all back and say, ‘enough, it is too hard, it is too painful, I simply don't want to do this anymore’. Of course, I still want to be more like God, but I didn't know it would cost this much, and be this painful. To feel so broken and discarded and rejected is so painful. And yet my deeper embarrassment is that I have been teaching this to kids who are living in this space and have been discarded and rejected most of their life. What a hypocrite I have been. 

 

Isaiah 40:29

 

“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak” 

 

I have been so busy loving and sharing out of my strength and happy to minster from this space, but I realise I am not sure if I can love and share out of weakness. I mean true weakness, weakness that means you are simply ground up broken pieces of clay that sit on the potter’s floor.  The small bits that you simply sweep up and put into the bin. The broken bits that get trodden on and ground down to dust and become simple a gritty pain under your feet. When, you feel that weak and weary, how can He do anything from that? 

 

Genesis 2: 7

 

“Then the Lord god Formed a man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and the man became a living being.”

 

Hmmm…I mean really, no matter how low I go and long for a valid excuse to say I am finished, dust to be swept away, I have nothing more to give or do, I am just looking for any excuse to not have to do the painful work of being reshaped, remoulded. I certainly don't want to be broken any more. And I certainly don't want to be in leadership anymore where I must sing that song and encourage others to go on the journey of being moulded and shaped and broken by the potter. It is too painful and hard. 

 

When you get to the space and we all do at times, we are faced with a choice. I can either choose to sit in a pity party or I can be open to that fact that even when your life is dust, He can breathe life into it. New life, transforming life, life that you cannot yet possibly see or imagine. Help me to choose to sing: 

 

                   I want to be like you, 

                   I am changing day by day.

                   teach me Lord, and show me how, 

                   to grow to be more like you

                   …design me to be more like you.