Gone Before Me

I began the 3 hour return trek to the summit of Wilpena Pound today. I knew it was a difficult walk, but I didn't think I would be scaling rock faces. The destination was clear and I walked the track alone. If you have a destination in mind, sure, there are multiple ways to get there. I mean just keep going up, it will surely get you there in the end.  But isn’t it wise to go the track that you know will be safe and will get you there in good time? I do love an adventure and sometimes you can make you own way, but this was not the time. 

And so I began following the markers. Looking for the markers was tough at times, but it was nice to know they were there if you looked. There were a number of times I got off the track, missed the markers and it led to a dead end. When the path wasn’t clear, it helped to look for tracks where people had been in the past. This helped me get back on track and assured me that I would make it to the right place. 

Especially when you are on your own, you can get lost very easily. There are some journeys we have to do on our own, but knowing the markers are there that I can trust, helps. I have been aware of how sure footed you need to be when you are on your own. One wrong step can lead to injury. In the middle of nowhere, at least if you are on the track you can be found. If you are off the track you’re not so easy to find.

When you are scrambling up rocks, you are always looking down at your feet, to make sure each step is secure and solid. So, every now and then I needed to stop and look up to check where I was, to see I was going in the right direction and just to see the view around me. I mean, how silly is it to trek up a mountain and not actually stop and see the view. This slows you down, but allows you to enjoy the journey more, rather than always focusing on the destination. 

Of course, making it to the top is a very exhilarating achievement. I stayed at the top for a long while to really soak up the view, the surroundings and the joy it gave to make it to the top. 

Besides the personal achievement of making it to the top, I couldn’t help be reminded that I probably wouldn’t have got here, if it wasn’t for those who had gone before me. Those who had marked the track, those who had painstakingly and tirelessly made steps where they were needed, smoothed the rough places and forged a way up that was accessible to others. Instead of praising myself for my own achievement - there were times when I lost my way - I was so thankful for those who had recently walked the summit and left their shoe tracks for me to find to get me back on track. I simply would not have been able to enjoy the view, the beauty or even the walk as much if there had not been those who had gone before me and to claim this achievement as completely my own would have been wrong. I know I have done this so many times before and really forgotten those who have given so much to make my trek possible. 

So many times in life, we can only achieve or keep moving forward because of what others have done. Our mentors, our early-adopters, our parents, our leaders, anyone who has gone before us.  It is a shame we don't say thank you enough, listen more and learn more from them. So often we simply put our head down and forge ahead with our own path, convinced we know best and are the only one who knows the way forward. I see it happen every day, in families, in culture, in politics, in world affairs, in the streets and homes of every city, and in the Church. 

It is no wonder throughout the Bible, God has implored us to stop, consider, slow down, follow the tracks laid out, listen and trust that those who have gone before us have wisdom and guidance that aims to help us reach the summit, rather than to hinder or stifle or stop us. The right track and the right voices and the right guidance is designed for us to succeed, flourish and find freedom and the joy I found when I reached that summit today. Today I honour those who have gone before me and I pray I will do that more and more.  Today I slow down, look up and savour the view, knowing I can only do that because others have showed me the way. 

The End of the Road

This particular ‘AdVanture’ has been wonderful, one high after another. I call it AdVanture because I am in a VAN as I travel Australia. The joy of soaking in each new scene and experience. Sure, there has been challenges and problems to solve, but it is all part of the adventure, right?  

And then it came to today.  I get to Kakadu and everything is closed. I literally came to the end of the road and could go no further. It is the wet season after all, but then all you read says that Kakadu is beautiful in the wet season. It is when the waterfalls are the most amazing, but of course there is the risk that you can’t get to them, and today was the day. It was raining, floods everywhere, mud and swamp as far as the eye can see. There are crocodiles in every river and you can sense the danger everywhere.  Of course, even when you are semi-prepared for it, it is a shock when they say, “no, you cannot go there”. Up until now, I have found a way around, or through, but not today.  

So, what do you do when your plans are halted? When you are somewhere like Kakadu and you really feel like you are in the middle of no-where, because you are. I was at the “Top End” as they call it, with nowhere to go but back from whence I came.  I was faced with a few choices.   It is late in the afternoon, so to travel back to civilisation would be unwise. I clearly needed to  find a place to bunker down, take stock of the situation and consider what tomorrow could look like.  

Now I know that this is not all that desperate. Many would kill to be in this position; stuck in Kakadu with nothing to do.  I have the motorhome and all the supplies I need and it didn't take long to find a campsite that would allow me to stay safely for the night. It even had a pool where I could safely swim away from crocodiles.  So, this is not a tragic story by any means.  But for some reason today, it really got to me. I was a little shaken and put out.

I sat and listened to the birds fly past me, felt the squishy wet mud under my feet, in an unkept BBQ area. Because the season has not quite opened so much of the campsite looks abandoned and messy.

I found this experience took me by surprise and it triggered many feelings of how life can often feel like this. You know those times when you are sailing along the adventure of life and loving the experiences and then something happens and it is enough to stop you in your tracks and knock you for ‘six.’   Sometimes it can be as simple as an email or text from someone that breaks your heart. Other times it is a major loss or unexpected turn of events that you have no control over. Sometimes you can see them coming and they still take you by surprise. 

When it happens, what do you do?  I know sometimes I simply can’t control myself and I find myself crying. I feel anxious, I feel fear and panic, I feel deep disappointment and sometimes I can even act like a right spoilt brat. Today I felt all these emotions and they were overwhelming. In the midst of being surrounded by flood waters, you could say the flood banks literally broke in my heart.

It is here when you have choices to make.  It is always good to stop, pause, breathe and sometimes simply sit in the space and consider what is really going on for you.   A friend asked me when I was feeling like this, “Sounds like you are lost, what do you do when you are lost?” 

It’s a good question for when you are lost ‘physically’ or ‘emotionally’ or any other “ally”. At any given time there are a multitude of responses, some good and some not so good.   

I walked, cried, journaled, cried some more, listened to worship music, cried again, texted some friends and was so thankful for their kind words or love and encouragement that came right when I needed it.

“The minute I said “I’m slipping, I’m falling, your love, God, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up… God became my hideout, God was my high mountain retreat” Psalm 94:19-22 MSG

“And not a tear is wasted. In time, you’ll understand. I’m painting beauty with the ashes. Your life is in my hands. So, when you are on your knees and answers seem so far away, you’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held.”  (Just Be held - Casting Crowns) 

As the sun sets, the stars come out, the sound of frogs fill the air, even a dingo ran past my table. I know that tomorrow will come. I dried my eyes and headed back to the van. With eyes red raw and a splitting headache, I know it is time to rest, be kind to myself till the morning opens up new options that I don't have to ponder tonight. Tomorrow will come soon enough. 

Tonight I sit in the safety of this space and know that I will be “okay”.  Tomorrow will not be as I would like, it will not be as my plans were hoping. If I can find a way to see the gift of tomorrow for what it is, it might just help me see beyond what right now seems dark and impossible. 

If it is the end of this road, can I be open to another path, another adventure, and new plan? Can you when you find yourself in these spaces?

As I leave the top end of Australia and begin the long trek back toward home, I can’t help but wonder, have I been brought to this place for this revelation, for a living metaphor!  I think God does that for us at times. Sometimes He brings us to the dessert places, the flooded roads that cause dead ends, to help us in these safe places to learn what we need to, if we are listening. He wants to prepare us for the literal life dessert and dead ends we will have to face along life’s adventure

He promises to never change and to sustain us wherever we find ourselves. I thank Him for feeling HELD tonight, for His hiding place and mountain retreat.  I thank Him in advance that I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I know I will not be alone. I know it is not comfortable, not easy, and I don’t like it, but it is inevitable, so it is comforting to know that somehow through it all I will be “okay”.

   

A steep learning curve

Along the road, I saw an interesting sig … “Tolman Hill”.  Naturally, being my name I decided to take a detour and check it out. 

The view was beautiful across the whole city of Hobart. It was a rainy and foggy morning, but you could see ‘Tolman Hill’ was an opulent place to live with spectacular perspective. It warmed my heart.

 

I ventured into the estate to discover there was one way in and one way out. It was a very very steep hill. 

 

Now Wilson (the van) had been faithful to this point, always getting me in and out of every place we had driven. I had always been in automatic and let Wilson choose what gear was required to get us where we needed to go. I suppose you could say I trusted him and didn’t need to know the manual process. 

 

So, as I ventured out again via the steep hill I started to skid and spin my wheels half-way up and began to slid to the side. It is a scary feeling being on the side of a steep hill, cars and houses either side of me that I could crash into and knowing the only safe way was to go back down, backwards. Going backwards is not my strong suit at the best of times, let alone in a large van. I was also hoping the whole time that the skidding sound of my wheels would not bring anyone out to watch. The last thing I needed was an audience watching me slipping my way backwards in a huge van that could easily smash something they valued. 

 

I edged my way down backwards in the middle of the road also hoping and praying no-one wanted to come behind me. I got to a place where I thought I could try again. 

 

The rain continued to pour, which was part of the problem. 

 

I began again ... a little faster in first gear, to find myself again half-way up spinning and sliding wheels, lights coming on the dash ... saying “warning, warning Wil......son can’t do this.” 

 

I tentatively backed down again and tried one more time. My heart beating, feeling slightly panicked but this time a little faster in second gear ... till it got half-way and stopped again. 

 

With my heart racing a little more than I would like I backed down to the bottom of the hill into a bus space at the side of the road and sat for a while. 

 

Should I try going really fast up it from a run up?!? The thought scared me, I just wasn’t sure what Wilson was capable of and if going too fast would lend myself to being more out of control and doing something really dangerous. 

 

You know that moment when something happens and you are faced with a problem/situation that you are not sure what to do about or how to move forward?  When you have tried doing the same thing a number of times or what you only knew to do, but this time it is not working?

 

I got out and knocked on the door of a house to ask if there was any other way out. A lady comes out with a phone to her ear and says, “no, sorry, the only way to get out is up that hill.” She looked at me as if to say, “what is your problem. You can do that?”  She said,“That van will get up there, and at least if it doesn’t you’ve got a bed to sleep in. I am sorry I need to go, I am on the phone.”

 

“Thanks,” I said with a staged smile on my face. I did not appreciate the humour at that moment, but yes she was right, I did have food and bed ... if I had to wait out the rain, I suppose. 

 

Hmm… what to do? I decided to phone a friend. It is times like these you need to know who you can phone that will actually help you, rather than make another joke. 

 

My friend was an hour away and was willing to come and help me, but at the same time he talked me through another way to attack this hill that seemed unclimbable. 

 

He talked me through putting it in Manual, (which I hadn’t done in the van yet) and getting a run up and in second gear climbing the mountain calmly and consistently and in the middle of the road to give as much space as needed. He said he would come and help me. 

 

So, I decided to stay put. I grabbed a packet of chips and a coke from my fridge and started eating. I could have chosen 10 other healthy snacks but no, when you are feeling stressed you always grab for junk food. 

 

But he also spoke confidently to me as if, “it is okay, you got this”.  There was something in his tone that gave me confidence, once I downed the chips and coke, to give it one more try. 

 

The rain eased a little and I thought, “it is okay, I got this, I got to at least try what he said.” I hated putting him out having to drive an hour out of his way to come and save me. 

 

So, I put my big girls pants on, practiced the manual gear changes. And went for it. Second gear … here we go … get a bit of speed up and be calm. 

 

So, I am getting past where I got before, I am right in the middle of the road, starting to skid ... be calm. ... put it down to first gear for the final bit just chug slowly, talking calmly to Wilson ... I believe you can do it. We made it. OMG my heart was racing. But I felt so happy to be at the top of the hill. 

 

I am not ashamed to say that I felt quite a bit of pride texting my friend to say I was out and he didn’t need to come and save me. 

 

I know many drivers will be thinking, ‘how could you not know what to do’? I have been in this van for 20 days. I have never driven a van this size in my life. This was a new challenge and I came to my limits of know-how and experience and came to an unexpected challenge that took me by surprise.  We can only do what we know and then be willing to learn as we go. 

 

Along the journey you are going to find something that will stop you in your tracks. Some are just inconvenient, like today, some have life changing or serious consequences. The way we face it makes all the difference when there is no way of getting around it or avoiding it. I needed to know it is ok to ask for help. I needed to know who to call, who to listen to. I needed to be open to learning new skills. I needed to be calm and give it a go. I could have camped there for a few days anyway, but that was not the solution. I could have kept on doing the same thing over again and probably got into a worse situation. I could have quit, just walked away from the van and started walking to start a different type of journey. But I wouldn’t have done that to Wilson, although many do.

 

As I got back onto the road driving, the rain stopped very quickly and before long I was headed to open blue sky and new adVANture, with new skills in my toolkit to be ready to face the next challenge that will come. 

 

On your life adventure, there will always be hills that surprise you and stop you in your tracks, there will always be voices that are not so helpful, and voices that are, there will always be good choices and bad choices you can make and there will always be new things to learn. I didn't need to detour that day, but I know that the detour has helped me to be better prepared for the road ahead, ready for the next challenge that may push me, rattle me or hopefully make me a better driver for the future adventure that I have yet to take.