The "Parent" Dance

In England, there is a famous “ritual” called the “Changing of

the guard”. It is a very clear signal of change. The old guard forms on the north side and the new guard forms on the south side, a royal salute signals the handing over of the old guard and the new guard. There is a sequence, everyone knows, there are no surprises, nothing unsure. The march is set and the change is clearly complete. It is full of intentionality, ceremony, celebration and pride. It is done with expertise, precision and it is very clear, the old guard is OFF and the new guard is ON.  People travel from all over the world to see it, but it is more than ceremony, it is fulfilling a very important job of protecting the monarchy of England. 

There are many times as a parent, that the duty is clear, the “march” is set out, the change is obvious. The times in life where your child starts school, moves from primary school to high school, when they can drive, from a legal perspective when they can drink alcohol, when they are legally able to go to a club, when they move from single to married. These are obvious signs of the “change”, the old has gone the new has come, things have changed. We (or maybe it is just me) like to live in the black and white zone … knowing what is right and wrong, what is a YES and NO, what has come and gone, where we stand, basically on everything. It is so much easier. 

And YET… parenting is more often than not, a DANCE, rather than the “Changing of the guard.” I can just see the comical portrayal of what the “Changing of the Guard” would look like as a dance; a back and forward, teetering from ‘yes’ to ‘no’ to ‘yes’ to ‘maybe’ to ‘are you sure’ to ‘YES’ to ‘rack off’ to ‘if I have to” to “no.” I probably lost most of you then, but that is the dance that goes on in my head as a parent of teenagers learning to become adults. 

The challenging, yet never boring “dance” of a parent who longs to walk alongside their child, empowering them to become an adult and yet never quite knowing which step to take at times, to lead them towards the end goal.  Never quite knowing when we are leading or following, coming or going, listening or speaking, stepping up or stepping out, and at any time a quick “change step” must happen, which often takes you by surprise.

I wonder what that looks like in your world?   For my world, it’s the time where she wants her independence shopping, until she wants me to go to the toilet with her, or when she wants me to pay for something. It’s the time when he wants to stay out late as long as he wants, until he needs a lift home and we are to drop everything and go and get him. The time when she can drive and have independence until she crashes and needs saving to get back on her feet again. The time where he moves out, until he gets stuck and needs to save more money so he wants to come back home. The time when you can’t touch her or say anything, until she snuggles into you or wants you to say she looks great, and you clearly didn't get the memo. We have all been there. Oh, the dance we dance, when “no” is not always “no” and “yes” is not always “yes” and more importantly when “no” is actually “yes”.

I have recently had the privilege of being intricately involved in the last week of a young woman getting married, the last night in the house before moving into her new house with her new husband, the many preparations of the ‘changing of the guard”, from single to married. And while the changes are clear, the ceremony is well rehearsed, there is pride, celebration and joy, yet it is not without the ‘dance’. It is an interesting place as a parent to say goodbye to your child to marriage, to understand that the rules have changed and to navigate the dance well.  I have watched this family up close. It has been a privileged and a blessing to get this glimpse, before I will dance this particular dance myself in the future. 

That last night in the house, the final signals that a change is about to happen, the joy and sadness all mixed in together. The look of confidence on the new bride as she has everything organised and ready, until one thing goes wrong and she looks at her mum with eyes that say “fix it”. The beauty of dad walking (marching) his little girl down the aisle to the new man in her life and the words she utters beforehand - “don't look at me and I won’t look at you” - for they know they will both be crying with deep emotions that will distract them from this moment. That first dance, as a new bride and groom, which signals the last dance for Daddy to dance with his little girl. Of course, she will always be his little girl, but on this day some things have defiantly changed. Even on this day, where the “changing of the guard” is clear, it’s still a “parent’s dance”, it is exhausting and not easy to do well. But when done well, like any dance, it is beautiful, graceful and a joy to watch.

For a parent, I am not sure if it ever stops. For me this dance has only begun in the last few years, so I am still learning how to navigate it well. But one thing I do know, it is worth it, learning to dance it well. The cost is too high, not to. I have seen too many times when relationships and connections are lost because parents could not dance the dance well. 

I think it helps to name it, talk about it and acknowledge the “dance”. It is a start anyway. It is great to learn and watch others who have gone before and know that even when we mess up the steps, we can still choose to dance again. While I have seen it first-hand recently, it has reminded me of how well my mother and father danced the dance and the strong foundation that has given me over the years. I am so thankful for them and what they have taught me. The challenge is to simply keep getting better at the dance, and that requires practice, practice and practice. So, stay in the dance and never give up. Your relationship with your children is worth it and the gift you give them is a strong foundation to dance their own dance in time.

Low batteries this Christmas......

You know when the battery on your phone is starting to go and it just doesn't have the power it used to have.  You continue to charge it but it doesn't last the day, it seems to lose its power much quicker as each day goes on.  I have heard people say that’s when you need a new phone or new battery, the old one just doesn't work the same anymore.  Many people have no problem with throwing away the old and getting the new, latest one. I grew up with a dad who always lived in such a way that he held onto things and used them right up until they didn't work anymore. He would revive and refresh and re-fix everything over and over again. But what if it can’t be fixed? What if there are some things that have to die and new things that must be made new?

This year I limp into Christmas, with a broken heart that just doesn't seem able to re-charge. It is 8 weeks since my dad suddenly died and left me with a very big hole in my life. Right now, no amount of work, cheer, distraction, friends, family and even food seems to fill the hole for very long. The battery is low and as Christmas day looms, my “charge” grows weaker.

I think so many of us run so hard all year, that we limp into Christmas Holidays with a low battery. Sometimes that is self-inflicted and then other times it is due to circumstances and events that are beyond our control. And yet as a Pastor/Minister it is up to me to put a smile on my face and lead others in the message of Christmas. The message of love, joy, peace and hope. 

I can’t help but wonder if God’s plan for love and peace and joy and hope was thwarted so many times that His battery got so low that he decided the world needed something new, that something had to die for new hope to be birthed.

Jesus coming to this earth as a baby was such a new story, one the world had never seen. God in the form of a human, living and giving in the most extraordinary ways, until He chose to die on a cross and rise again for our us, in order to bring love, joy, peace and hope. And this new thing all began that very first Christmas.

Some things cannot be revived, refreshed or re-fixed. The batteries will just not charge like they used to and sometimes we do need something new. My dad is gone and he will not come back. I miss him every day, all the things that he fixed, remade, refreshed, revived over the years are now being thrown away and eventually the traces of my dad will be only in our memories. I know I am blessed to have such beautiful ones. It is a painful process saying “goodbye”. I believe that Dad is already refreshed, revived, renewed … but we have to go on.

So where does that leave me? I choose joy, love, hope and peace. I choose to be reminded this Christmas of the wonderful story where God came into this world to do a new thing, so that we might leave the old and step into the new. I choose to believe that God’s plan has never changed and that, like my father’s faith, I hold onto it, even when I am limping. If Dad were here he would be pragmatic enough to accept that God has it all in hand and that we have to simply do the best we can for the time we are here in these mortal bodies. I am not sure if he would be able to throw the phone out. I am sure he would try to fix it, but, hey, maybe 2018 it will be time for a new phone. Or at least I certainly hope it will be a year where HIS joy, peace and love will sustain me and help my batteries to re-charge.

I pray if you are limping into Christmas and your batteries are low, that the message of Christmas will re-charge and revive you. There is hope, joy peace and love to be found in the birth of Jesus.  You simply have to choose it.

Time......to honour a life well lived.

Time …you can’t slow it down, you can’t speed it up, you can't make it, you can’t get it back. There is a time where it matters and times that it really doesn't matter.

Time is fleeting and yet time can feel like it is never going to stop.

There are moments that you forget and there are moments that can never be taken away.

I will never forget the moment in time, 3 weeks ago when my husband walked into the house to tell me that my father had a motorcycle accident and had died instantly. There are times when you feel like you are in slow motion, when time does not feel real…when time doesn't make sense. There are moments for us when a time means that life will never be the same.

You can’t change time, but you can waste it.

I have always tried to live as if every moment matters and have never wanted to waste any of it.

I learned this from my dad.

Dad could achieve 10 hours worth of work in one hour. With his speed, his passion, his skill, he could make anything happen when it needed to and he did it in record time.

And yet when he was talking to someone, giving to someone, sharing something, helping someone, time was never an issue. He took the moments to listen, to impress, to share his views, to make you feel special.

It doesn't mean he didn't ever waste time. Oh, my gosh could he do that. Just try and go buy something with him and see how much time it took for him to make a decision. Every option must be explored, every possibility uncovered and then after thinking about it for a time he would finally buy it. But you knew it would be the best deal, the best option and the best saving of money around. And then he would say “that is never a waste of time”.

I am so thankful for all the time we had. Each time I saw him he would hug me and say, “love you real big”. His squeeze would almost hurt it was so strong, no-one will ever hug me like that again.

I am so thankful for all the times in “Shadrack”, his speedboat. My favourite place was sitting beside him in the front seat, the motor so loud that we couldn't talk, but he would smile at me, wink and rub my leg and I knew there was no greater place on earth. He would drive that boat and take people skiing all day if he could, as long as he could stop for a cup of tea every now and then.

I am so thankful for the times when I would come to him and explain a crazy idea. His first response was to take the time to tell me all the ways it would not work and then he would make it a reality. I don't know who will help me make my crazy ideas a reality now he is gone.

I am thankful that he would never let a time go by to speak his mind. I was always amazed how he could be so cranky, politically incorrect and many times rude, yet still people loved him wherever he went and remembered the things that he said to them. I know how he felt about me, what he thought all the time. I will never be left wondering.

I am so thankful that, as hard-nosed as he could be, if you stuck with him you quickly learned that he was also the biggest softy out. As children we will never forget the times we would all watch “Little House on the Prairie” and as each episode ended, my brother and I would look at Dad and wait for the tears to roll down his cheeks… and then we would laugh at him.

I am so thankful that in the lowest time in my life, he was the one who dropped everything to be there, hold me, cry with me and tell me that everything was going to be alright and I always felt if he was there it would be okay.

I am thankful that even though he could have simply showered his grandchildren with things, he always chose TIME over things, and always spent quality time and quantity time with each of them. My kids will carry those memories, experiences and words with them wherever they go.

I am so thankful that for the past 12 years in particular, we have truly done life together in a faith community, where we worshiped, learned, laughed, gave and served together side by side. I was proud to share my father with so many children at SCKC (a camp for children of neglect), for whom he was their “poppy”.

I am so thankful that he lived out his faith.  Every day for him was a TIME to live out what he believed. Colossians 3:6-7 describes the faithfulness of my dad.

 “You received Christ, the master: now live HIM. You’re deeply rooted in him, You're well constructed upon him, you know your way around the faith. Now do what you have been taught and start living it…and let your living spill over into thanksgiving”

Such was the faith of my father.

Although this time for him on this earth has passed, I don't regret one moment of it.

There are some people that time cannot contain, there are some people like my dad where there is simply not enough time to share all the funny, inspiring, challenging ways that he impacted my life.

As I am my father’s daughter I never want to miss a TIME to say…time is precious, don’t waste time, live it to the full and live without regrets, take the time to let those you love know it.

Thank you Dad, for all the TIME you gave me and what you have taught me about how to use my TIME. I miss you every day and think about you all the TIME and I will endeavour to not waste a moment of time until we are together again.