Never too late, Never rejected

I was staying at Coffs Harbour in a caravan park near the beach, so I set my alarm to see the sunrise one morning.   But before the alarm went off I woke to light streaking through the curtain in my room.  “Darn it,” I thought. I missed it. 

But I decided to still throw my clothes on, grab my camera bag and start running towards the beach to see what I could see. Having arrived late the previous night, I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew I was running toward the sound of the sea, down a marked track. It was the longest track ever to get to beach.  On my way, I realised I had forgotten my glasses, my socks were slipping down to my toes in my shoes which made it all more uncomfortable and challenging, I was now wet from all the thick grass I was wading through, and to think only 10 minutes ago I was warm, dry and cosy in my bed.

I was sure I had missed the sunrise.  I could hear the waves. They were on my right hand side. The track seemed to lead everywhere but to them. As I continued to run through the thick scrub, waiting for the track to veer towards the sound of the waves, I was thinking, “What am I doing? I’ve missed it and I don’t even know if I am running in the right direction”.  Cleary I was not very well prepared. The kangaroo further down the path looked at me as if to say, “a little late mate”. I barrelled onward as he jumped into the bush to get out of my way.

Part of me felt like giving up, but what the heck, I had come this far, so might as well finish this adventure. Finally I came to the clearing, wet, puffing and hoping I had everything in my camera to even take a photo. At this stage it wouldn't have surprised me what else I had forgotten. The sun had been up for a while but it was behind a thin, but large set of clouds as if to say, “I have started, Tammy, but come on in and watch the tail end. It will be worth it. I am glad you made it. I saved the best till last.” 

Then, there it was. His beauty, His cleverness, His light calling me to look, to gaze. It drew all of my attention. I could not look away. I am glad I made it, even if it was late.

Sometimes we might feel we are a little too late, unprepared, hurried, lost, confused, not know where we are going or even uncomfortable. I know in those 20 minutes I certainly felt all those things.  But He still says come, enjoy, you’re  always welcome. 

On my long walk home I discovered I went the long way right around the beach into that next cove. I clearly missed the sign that said “2 mins to the beach”, but it turned out to be the much better view, a much better vantage point to view the sunrise, a much prettier cove to land in. I am glad I did not give up. I am glad that even though I was late, unprepared and a little lost…He still met me. His love still shone on me and said, “Good morning.” His beauty still amazed me and He did not disappoint.

Come to think about it, I feel like this in many aspects of ministry and life. There are not many times when I am about to speak or lead or sing or run something, when I don’t think, “What am I doing here? I feel unprepared (which for me usually means not good enough), confused, uncomfortable.”  I just want to turn and go back to my safe, warm alone space.  At some point of each day as a mum, parent and friend I can feel hurried, lost, not good enough, wanting to give up and hide.  But His love pulls me forward, challenges me to keep on going, to keep turning up, keep bringing whatever I have to offer, as confused and messy and unprepared as it sometimes feels.  His welcoming beauty always accepts my offering and is really happy that I show up, even if it is a little late, wet and puffed. He draws my attention.  I cannot look away, I cannot quit, I will never leave, because His constant truth and love spur me on. He accepts and loves me just as I am. Thank you for this constant reminder.

What did I hear from you today? - Communication within marriage is not always easy

Communication is a tough challenge at the best of times but it is especially so when emotions are involved. David and I have been married 27 years and been together 32 years, you would think that after all these years we would have mastered it by now.

We know enough to know that we have two different responses to misunderstanding. One of us retreats and one of us attacks, it doesn’t really matter who does what, what matters is being aware of it and working through it. We know enough about our temperaments to know that one likes to fix and one just wants the other to listen. When it comes to a place where we just don’t see eye to eye, it can be a very hard and confusing place to be.

One way that we have found a way through is to give each other space to ask the question “What did I hear from you today?”. They say “time out” is great for kids, well I think it is mandatory for good communication. 

Not so long ago our day began with a misunderstanding, it was clear that we just weren’t able to hear each other, it was not a nice start to the day.  In this instance, the key is to know when to call a “time out”. It is never nice to leave things unresolved, but this particular day we were not getting anywhere and I am not sure who called the “time out” first but we were both relieved when it happened. He left the house and drove to work, I sat in a slump and did what most women do, just cried. 

I am a writer, so it helps me to process things by writing. I love how God meets me there often and “Time out” with Him is always Healing and comforting. After a while I decided to send Dave an email answering the question “What did I hear from you today?”.... the ”Ï” statements are important, even if you don’t start there, make sure that’s where you land before you press send. Even if this is not what the other person actually said, it is important to try to hear what each other are hearing. 

I have been in conversations with people who are hurting or frustrated and trying to work things out with their partners and you know it just can’t go anywhere if they are speaking with statements “he just won’t listen, she is the problem, they will just not see my point of view, he is wrong, she is hurting me.” 

I finished the email by saying....

Please pray for me, I am broken and I am scared. Please pray that God speaks to you with clarity, so we can be on this journey together as I don’t want to do this alone.

Dave responded very quickly with a phone call to say that the email really helped him understand what I was hearing and that we would talk again tonight and try to clarify the misunderstandings.

So quickly the “I” and the “me” quickly became “we” again as we work hard to keep our communication open, because we are willing to ask the question “what did I hear from you today?” and that day we were willing to really listen to each other. 

How do we navigate the storms of Life?

A storm hit the south coast recently and the TV and radio told everyone to “stay in doors, take cover, don't go out in it”, basically to stay safe. All good and wise advice and I completely understand why they wanted as many people to stay off the roads. It was sad to see the damage to people's homes and businesses. 

The photographer in me wanted to go to our local harbour and watch the ocean,  to see first hand what this storm was doing to our break waters. I was surprised how many other people had the same idea. There was a traffic jam to get anywhere near the harbor and there were people everywhere, rugged up and excited; to face the storm “head on” and experience its power. In fact I was coming back from a ministry event, so I had on my best dress and  shoes, not worrying I just threw on a rain coat  over the top not concerned if I got wet; I just wanted to capture it all on camera. 

So here we are wet, cold, wind blown, standing on the edge of the break-wall watching this amazing storm stir the sea into a frenzy, waves smashing into the lighthouse and breakwater with amazing power. We waited and waited, almost praying for it to get bigger and bigger, we wanted to see the force of the natural storm as strong as it could be. I later heard that the force of the waves actually crumbled a stone wall near where we were previously standing.

I watched from a distance young people standing right near the crash zone in order to let the massive waves crash over the break water and all over them. I was thinking how some people really love the thrill of being in the middle of that power and experiencing it first hand, even if it meant putting their life in danger. It was if they were saying to the storm "bring it on, you may knock me down but I will get back up again”. There was a part of me that wanted to go down there, but I was in my good clothes. I further thought wait I am 48 now - I really should be more responsible....so I just took pictures  instead. I found out later than one of the young people I observed was my son, which I must say had crossed my mind at the time that he might be one of those crazy kids as I watched from afar.

From a safe distance, it was thrilling to watch natures show; the sheer power of the waves, the turbulence of the rolling sea, the crashing of the waves into the break-wall and even the boats being tossed around. To see what is normally a sleepy, force. I could not capture it adequately on a camera due to the sheer size of the waves and force of the wind.  It was however so amazing to watch. I decided that I had to put down the camera and watch. Wave after wave - a never ending display of power battering the coast. 

I could have stayed there for hours; it intrigued and mesmerised me. I wanted to keep watching, to get more intense, watch the waves pulverise the small harbour and display more and more of it's sheer force and power. I found it invigorating! 

Later at home, settled in for the night safe and secure watching the news and hearing reports of the destruction that the storm had left in it's wake, I felt a little guilty that I simply saw it as a source of entertainment earlier that day. 

I asked my self "Why was I so keen to watch the storm - to find it so thrilling? I knew that if everything I owned was destroyed I would have had a different attitude?” . A bigger question “I wonder why I can enjoy the storm as a spectator, but when life throws me a storm, even a small one, I am the first one to ask why this is happening – even the first to ask where is God - even why is God allowing this happen?"

What should our response be when the storms of life hit?  Should we go out like my son and face it head on? To shout the to storm -  “Give me your best shot, knock me over and watch me get back up again” OR “Why is this happening”?  

Can we look at the storm and see His power and control? Perhaps even the lack of our control and be in awe of God OR to see it as God punishing us and not loving us?  Can we face storm together? I had noticed in the harbour at the time that all the boats were tied to each other as they attempted to weather the storm. The fishermen know that together there is strength far greater than doing it alone.  What is our response when there’s a storm in life? Do we retreat, run, hide, give up and let it defeat us - taking the storm personally even at times seeing it as Gods judgment upon us? 

When you are in middle of the storm, being tossed and thrown about, it is not easy to see it any other way other than to survive. We certainly don't often sleep like Jesus did out in the storm. However as  Jesus did, we can call out and ask the storm to be still. He CAN calm the storms if He wants to. Unfortunately sometimes when He doesn't it is hard for us to find the His peace and  drawing upon His power discover His perspective, seeking the strength He promises to endure it. Sometimes we simply need to weather the storms that life WILL throw at us knowing that whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger - this is not easy to do.  

To choose NOT to be bitter, defeated -  not to run or give up. Although there are many times I feel like this, it is just not an option for me. My prayer is that I get better at it as I walk with Him each day - that one day I can actually stand looking into the face of a storm and call out with unwavering resolution and confidence "Bring it on, you may knock me down, but I will get back up again.”