I didn't sign up for this?

I went to a wedding on the weekend where they had written their own vows. It was very real and raw and after a series of beautiful statements and some challenging ones they said “even when you disappoint me”. I noticed there was a bit of an awkward giggle in the crowd, led by a loud outburst from one of the groomsman, as the statement clearly took him by surprise and it certainly left an impression on me. Don’t misunderstand me it was a stunning wedding and the couple were deliriously in love, but as I have pondered over this the past few days, I was very encouraged to hear a young couple start their marriage journey stating that they know it is going to have its tough moments as well as it’s wonderfully joyful ones.

Marriage is always very challenging, especially in the first year and it is natural when we disappoint each other or even feel like it is all falling apart to think “hey, I didn’t sign up for this?”. But, to put it bluntly ... Yes, we did. We stand at the altar and speak out our vows and state our commitment to each other in sickness and in heath, for richer or for poorer. We say these vows in the romantic space of a wedding ceremony, as a bride looking beautiful in our dream dress; lovingly gazing into the eyes of the one we love, never imagining at that moment that he could disappoint me or that I would disappoint him. We never expect that months into a marriage these vows will actually be tested.

According to Mark McCrindle,” The rate of marriages has dropped by over 40 per cent since 1968.” I sense that many today are choosing to not go on this adventure at all. They are making the decision not to sign up at all. So in this climate I understand many choose to run, escape, or quit. I understand when things get tough why couples who feel like it is all falling apart might feel like “this is not what they signed up for!”. It is in these spaces that our commitment is not only stretched but also has the potential to be strengthened. The sad thing is the number of relationships today that don't get past this space to see the beauty that comes from riding the storms together.

If we go into any relationship, be it marriage, work, friendship, a faith community, having a child, being a family etc... Without our eyes wide open to what we actually signed up for ...we set the relationship up for failure. 

This newly married couple were brave enough to aim to start with a realistic view of what was ahead. It seems to me the only way we can begin to tackle these mountainous challenges is to start by acknowledging that this is what it is, a big adventure that will have many challenges and as many high points. 

One of my kids' favourite stories when they were children was "We're Going on a Bear hunt." It would continually say ..."We're going on a bear hunt, we're going to catch a big one. What a beautiful day, we're not scared"... and then as they ventured out and they came across obstacle after obstacle after obstacle they would say..."we can't go over it, we can't go under it. Oh No, we've got to go through it" ... and off they would go, facing each obstacle head on each time. If only life was as easy as a kids’ story book. 

"We're Going on a bear hunt" by Micheal Rosen

I mean who “chooses” to go looking for bears with such joy and determination, knowing full well it is dangerous and will be challenging? And yet the truth remains; relationships, especially marriage, is one big adventure, and we will face obstacle after obstacle if we are going to go for the BIG one. Like the book, we need to venture out knowing exactly what we signed up for, expecting obstacle after disappointment after frustration and together choosing to go through them. All worthwhile adventures have them. We can't go under them, we can't go over them, oh no, we just have to go through them. It is only when we go through them that we have a better chance of catching the BIG one. 

After 28 short years of marriage, I can attest to it all, and that it is definitely worth going through it all, even though there have been many times when I have felt like… "I didn't sign up for this!"

Tammy Tolman : If you could walk a mile in my shoes

NEW BLOG : If you could walk a mile in my shoes: I was in a situation recently where I wasn't leading at a camp but simply observing from the outside. It was a camp for troubled kids ...

If you could walk a mile in my shoes

I was in a situation recently where I wasn't leading at a camp but simply observing from the outside. It was a camp for troubled kids and their behaviour was very disturbing at times. This is not unusual, as I have been directing camps like this for over ten years now. What surprised me was my internal reaction to what I was observing. 

It is so easy to make assumptions, to think you know better and even to make judgements when you sit on the sidelines and observe. And it is not something I am very proud of. But I realised how differently everything is seen when you are in thick of it, emotionally invested and willing to take a responsible role in the running of such an event, which means taking responsibility for what is happening, both good and bad. In all my years of working with children and people, I do know that “There is always a reason why we behave the way we do.” I teach all the time the importance of looking beyond the misbehaviour for the cry for help and yet I so easily broke my own rules as I piously sat on the sidelines, trying to control my emotions of frustration and judgement. 

Then I wondered how many other times in life could this be true? We may watch other parents and make assumptions. We can see or read something about other churches or ministries and make judgements. We even observe other people's choices and behaviour at times and, without knowing the full story, it is so easy to watch from a distance and "throw stones" as the saying goes. I wonder how aware we are that we are doing it! 

I love living and doing life in an “Intergenerational Faith Community.” Living and doing life within our faith community has bonded us all in special ways and with that special bond comes a love and grace to know each other, the good and the bad and ugly, and still to choose to walk together, as we desire to grow more and more like Him. I understand that others standing on the outside may see it differently. I have often wondered why more people don't want to join this kind of community. Yet, I understand why many find this threatening and choose to sit on the sidelines, possibly just attend a service on a Sunday, not get too close to many. But I wonder if that makes it too easy to find themselves like me, making judgements from the sidelines. It is easier to do, after all. It does not require any sacrifice or cost to me personally to live in such a way. I often hear people say to me: “I am a Christian, but I am not connected to any Church.” I get it. I understand it, but without trying to be judgemental, I don’t believe it is God’s design or the model we see from Jesus when He walked this earth. 

As the saying goes, "if you could walk a mile in my shoes..." I wonder how differently we would live if we could really understand and empathise with others. I was challenged by this as I realised how easy it was to simply sit back, watch and commentate from the sidelines. But actually, Jesus calls us to walk closely with others, to jump in boots and all and walk more than a mile in other peoples’ shoes. It is only when we do that that we have the right to make a difference, an opportunity to truly help and as we do we can’t help but be transformed in the process. 

So I say... Get off the sidelines and into the actual game. Get off your Soapbox and start to do something about it. Get off the comfortable pew and "walk a mile in someone else's shoes," and watch what a difference it makes to you and those around you.