If you could walk a mile in my shoes

I was in a situation recently where I wasn't leading at a camp but simply observing from the outside. It was a camp for troubled kids and their behaviour was very disturbing at times. This is not unusual, as I have been directing camps like this for over ten years now. What surprised me was my internal reaction to what I was observing. 

It is so easy to make assumptions, to think you know better and even to make judgements when you sit on the sidelines and observe. And it is not something I am very proud of. But I realised how differently everything is seen when you are in thick of it, emotionally invested and willing to take a responsible role in the running of such an event, which means taking responsibility for what is happening, both good and bad. In all my years of working with children and people, I do know that “There is always a reason why we behave the way we do.” I teach all the time the importance of looking beyond the misbehaviour for the cry for help and yet I so easily broke my own rules as I piously sat on the sidelines, trying to control my emotions of frustration and judgement. 

Then I wondered how many other times in life could this be true? We may watch other parents and make assumptions. We can see or read something about other churches or ministries and make judgements. We even observe other people's choices and behaviour at times and, without knowing the full story, it is so easy to watch from a distance and "throw stones" as the saying goes. I wonder how aware we are that we are doing it! 

I love living and doing life in an “Intergenerational Faith Community.” Living and doing life within our faith community has bonded us all in special ways and with that special bond comes a love and grace to know each other, the good and the bad and ugly, and still to choose to walk together, as we desire to grow more and more like Him. I understand that others standing on the outside may see it differently. I have often wondered why more people don't want to join this kind of community. Yet, I understand why many find this threatening and choose to sit on the sidelines, possibly just attend a service on a Sunday, not get too close to many. But I wonder if that makes it too easy to find themselves like me, making judgements from the sidelines. It is easier to do, after all. It does not require any sacrifice or cost to me personally to live in such a way. I often hear people say to me: “I am a Christian, but I am not connected to any Church.” I get it. I understand it, but without trying to be judgemental, I don’t believe it is God’s design or the model we see from Jesus when He walked this earth. 

As the saying goes, "if you could walk a mile in my shoes..." I wonder how differently we would live if we could really understand and empathise with others. I was challenged by this as I realised how easy it was to simply sit back, watch and commentate from the sidelines. But actually, Jesus calls us to walk closely with others, to jump in boots and all and walk more than a mile in other peoples’ shoes. It is only when we do that that we have the right to make a difference, an opportunity to truly help and as we do we can’t help but be transformed in the process. 

So I say... Get off the sidelines and into the actual game. Get off your Soapbox and start to do something about it. Get off the comfortable pew and "walk a mile in someone else's shoes," and watch what a difference it makes to you and those around you.

Just a flip of a switch - keeping communication lines open with your teens

It is a strange place to find yourself; as a parent of a teenager. To discover suddenly that what was acceptable communication yesterday is not today. I want to ask "who flipped the switch?"

It is no surprise and I have been waiting for it, as it is no secret that all teens go through this time when parents can do or say nothing right ...but still when it happened it caught me off guard. I am right in the middle of it, with one 15 year-old and one that is 18 years old. Yet I am surprised how the rules of engagement can change from day to day or hour to hour. So, not only does the switch flip, but it feels like it is flipping up and down constantly and to navigate what position we are in at any given time is almost impossible.

I do not intend this blog to become an opportunity to complain about teenagers, especially my own, as I happen to feel I have two exceptionally wonderful teens. As biased as that is, I stand by it. This is more about what I am learning about how to navigate this interesting season. 

It is hard to be in a place where your opinion is not seen to be valued. It challenges me to think about where I get my value? 

I am learning to continually see myself in the image of God, and as His child, as well as continually handing my children over to Him, knowing that He hasn't finished with any of us yet. It reminds me that this season and these challenges are not about me, but about my teens learning and growing and needing to question, to widen their circle and seek out what they believe. AND I am learning that when I do get emotional about them not valuing my opinion, often it simply shuts down the potential lines of future communication. 

It is hard to be in a place where the conversation seems completely irrational to me and when I try to bring some rationality to the situation, it sends the conversation to an ugly place. It challenges me make to think about what is the right response as a parent in this space?  

I am learning that one thing they need right now is for me to listen, listen and listen. It reminds me that they need me to empathise no matter how ridiculous it sounds as it is simply a part of the process and often the irrational verbalisation is important for them to hear out loud for themselves more than anything else. AND I have learned to apologise A LOT, for not listening and speaking too much. 

It is hard to be in a place where I am asked for my opinion, but when it is not what they want to hear, then I become the enemy. It challenges me to consider that HOW I respond can make all the difference. 

I am learning not to take this personally and to see that sometimes being the punching bag is because they feel safe to vent with me. I am learning that a response like "that is really tough", "I am sorry to hear that " or "I am confident that you will make the right choice", or "have you thought about talking to ... (a mentor/coach/trusted older person) about this ?" is often better than them hearing my opinion. AND I have learned that this is a really important time for others’ voices in my teens’ lives. 

It has reminded me of the importance of coaches and mentors for both myself and the kids. I am thankful for the people in my life who have walked this road before, who listen to me and help me see the funny side of some of the conversations, because sometimes all I can do is to laugh it off and let it go. I am thankful for a wonderful husband and life partner, which means I am not alone and that we get to walk this season together. We often find that when one is weak the other is strong and together we get there eventually. I am thankful for the men and woman in my teens’ lives who they can go to and hear the same advice I would give, but that they will actually listen to. I encourage anyone with younger children that NOW is the time to start being strategic about placing the right people in your kids’ lives so that when they become teenagers the trust is already there for your teens to go to them. 

This season challenges me to stay the course, keep the end in mind, keep short accounts of conversations, let go, draw closer and talk (sometimes cry) to my perfect Heavenly Father. ABOVE all, do whatever it takes to keep the lines of communication OPEN. Irrespective of whether the switch is up or down ... because while it can flip any second ... open lines, unconditional love, a calm and listening ear, wisdom from above and a willingness to say sorry... will get us through this season. 

I have to believe that. I am not there yet ... I will keep you posted. 

"Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder" - Is it possible today?

It just so happens that both my husband and I are involved in ministry/work that means we get the privilege of travelling a lot. Nowadays even when you are apart distance wise it doesn't mean anything because the internet allows you to literally talk everyday no matter where you are.  The young people I know who go away from home to “find themselves” or “have an adventure”, speak to family or boyfriends/girlfriends everyday and I often wonder if the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is even possible today?

When I was 16 and travelled with my family to Europe, I left my then boyfriend (now husband) at home and couldn't connect with him for many weeks at a time. I remember being stressed about it at times and feared that he had found someone else while I was away. I wrote about him in my journal and missed him a lot and when we did talk I think the first thing I said to him was “Do you still love me?” How insecure. But these conversations were really special and the reunion was awesome. I think the distance and space helped my “heart to grow fonder”, to appreciate him and value our relationship. 

I wonder is that kind of “space” even possible today. If some time away from someone you love, means that you lose them because they begin looking elsewhere, maybe you never had them in the first place. There is no doubt that “absence” can “make” or “break” relationships, but better earlier than later, I say. Likely it would have happened at some point.

“Absence” can show up the “weakness” and/or “strengths” in a relationship. 

In fact I have friends who I might see or speak to once a year, and when we get together we just pick where we left off ... and “my heart grows very fond for them”. To me that is “true” friendship and the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is very real in this instance. I am often amazed at young people today who spend all day with their friends at school and then talk all night on “snapchat” and never really have the space away from each other. I wonder whether this indicates “strong” or “weak” friendships?

The travel Dave and I do nowadays means we are often apart and in places where there is no reception to talk over the internet. So there are weeks when we don’t get to chat. People often ask “oh, you must be struggling with Dave being away!” I often feel guilty that I am not struggling and maybe that sounds harsh and unloving.  I do know that I love it when we are together and I love it when we are doing whatever ministry we are doing and I can’t wait to get back to tell my “life partner” all about it. So, I choose to be happy wherever I am. But I also think it runs deeper for me and maybe it is part of the joy and security in being committed in this relationship for over 30 years. But when we are apart, there is something special about the saying that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” that is very true for me. That is, that a little space helps you realise the special relationships you have, and this can only be understood in the “space” apart. If you never have that space, I wonder if you don’t appreciate, learn to trust and value the relationship as deeply!

I find with the internet ...with “skype”, “facetime”, “whatsapp”, snapchat, etc, there is very little “space” today. I wonder if the fear of not being in contact with someone COULD actually feeds into negative thoughts like our lack of trust, our fear of not being loved and valued, to the thoughts rejection or betrayal, our own lack of self worth, or our own fear of being alone. 

I wonder if in the “space” we could turn off all communication. Could we be happy to be on our own, with our own thoughts and stories, or even more scary, happy to be with just God in the “space”?

This “space” has become a great place for me. A “space” where I can not only enjoy my time with God, my time on my own, but also I find that when Dave and I re-enter into our “space” together, our hearts grow fonder because of the absence.

 “Absence” doesn’t have to mean going away for a long period of time. Some people simply need a night out with other friends, a Saturday morning to do their own thing, a little “space” apart. My husband loves to ride his motorbike. He gets up early in the morning and rides for 2 hours and when he returns he is in such a better space for us to be together. He allows me to do the things that give me the “space” I need as well. If we didn’t give each other that space I wonder if we would feel as strong in our relationship. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. Why don’t you test and see?