"Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder" - Is it possible today?

It just so happens that both my husband and I are involved in ministry/work that means we get the privilege of travelling a lot. Nowadays even when you are apart distance wise it doesn't mean anything because the internet allows you to literally talk everyday no matter where you are.  The young people I know who go away from home to “find themselves” or “have an adventure”, speak to family or boyfriends/girlfriends everyday and I often wonder if the saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is even possible today?

When I was 16 and travelled with my family to Europe, I left my then boyfriend (now husband) at home and couldn't connect with him for many weeks at a time. I remember being stressed about it at times and feared that he had found someone else while I was away. I wrote about him in my journal and missed him a lot and when we did talk I think the first thing I said to him was “Do you still love me?” How insecure. But these conversations were really special and the reunion was awesome. I think the distance and space helped my “heart to grow fonder”, to appreciate him and value our relationship. 

I wonder is that kind of “space” even possible today. If some time away from someone you love, means that you lose them because they begin looking elsewhere, maybe you never had them in the first place. There is no doubt that “absence” can “make” or “break” relationships, but better earlier than later, I say. Likely it would have happened at some point.

“Absence” can show up the “weakness” and/or “strengths” in a relationship. 

In fact I have friends who I might see or speak to once a year, and when we get together we just pick where we left off ... and “my heart grows very fond for them”. To me that is “true” friendship and the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is very real in this instance. I am often amazed at young people today who spend all day with their friends at school and then talk all night on “snapchat” and never really have the space away from each other. I wonder whether this indicates “strong” or “weak” friendships?

The travel Dave and I do nowadays means we are often apart and in places where there is no reception to talk over the internet. So there are weeks when we don’t get to chat. People often ask “oh, you must be struggling with Dave being away!” I often feel guilty that I am not struggling and maybe that sounds harsh and unloving.  I do know that I love it when we are together and I love it when we are doing whatever ministry we are doing and I can’t wait to get back to tell my “life partner” all about it. So, I choose to be happy wherever I am. But I also think it runs deeper for me and maybe it is part of the joy and security in being committed in this relationship for over 30 years. But when we are apart, there is something special about the saying that “absence makes the heart grow fonder” that is very true for me. That is, that a little space helps you realise the special relationships you have, and this can only be understood in the “space” apart. If you never have that space, I wonder if you don’t appreciate, learn to trust and value the relationship as deeply!

I find with the internet ...with “skype”, “facetime”, “whatsapp”, snapchat, etc, there is very little “space” today. I wonder if the fear of not being in contact with someone COULD actually feeds into negative thoughts like our lack of trust, our fear of not being loved and valued, to the thoughts rejection or betrayal, our own lack of self worth, or our own fear of being alone. 

I wonder if in the “space” we could turn off all communication. Could we be happy to be on our own, with our own thoughts and stories, or even more scary, happy to be with just God in the “space”?

This “space” has become a great place for me. A “space” where I can not only enjoy my time with God, my time on my own, but also I find that when Dave and I re-enter into our “space” together, our hearts grow fonder because of the absence.

 “Absence” doesn’t have to mean going away for a long period of time. Some people simply need a night out with other friends, a Saturday morning to do their own thing, a little “space” apart. My husband loves to ride his motorbike. He gets up early in the morning and rides for 2 hours and when he returns he is in such a better space for us to be together. He allows me to do the things that give me the “space” I need as well. If we didn’t give each other that space I wonder if we would feel as strong in our relationship. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder”. Why don’t you test and see?   

It is just a bump in the road

It was a Saturday morning and I had been a little lazy over the last couple of months, doing very little exercise and eating badly, so I decided today was new day.  Today would be the first day of a new leaf turned. I was going to get back into shape again. I decided to ease in by taking the dog for a walk.  It was a beautiful autumn morning. I was even clever thinking I had to drop something at my parents’ house, so I would take this opportunity to do this, as well as walking the dog (which was well overdue, I had been slack in this area as well). That was what I call “killing three birds with one stone”.  This was going to be a good day.

Well I get not 10 minutes down the track behind our house and clearly missed seeing “the bump in the road” and rolled my right ankle, fell onto the path hitting my left knee and gashed my left ankle in the process.  There was a lovely couple watching the episode and came running to help me. I am thinking... “Are you serious? I haven’t even worked up a sweat”. 

The man said, “that bump in the road! You should sue the council for that. It’s a bad one”. They helped me up and although my ankle was aching, I decided I would walk it out.  I hobbled a little slower down the track, trying to work out if I was being silly to keep walking, when my dog, who never does a poo while we are walking, decided it was time to do her business on the front lawn of someone’s house. Hmm ... seriously ... not a good time to stop and let my ankle cool down.  But when you gotta go, you gotta go.  I opened the doggy bag to scoop the poop to discover the bag had a huge hole in it. (Clearly showing that I very rarely have to use them as she never poos while we are walking). I tried with all my might to scoop while not getting anything on my hands and not bending too much as my knee was starting to hurt.

We set off again towards my parents’ house, when another 100 yards along my dog decides to do what she has never done in her life … stop to do a second huge poo!

Now I am starting to think she is punishing me for not walking her lately. But I have to tell you, getting the second poo into the bag with the huge hole was not going to happen without getting “poo” on my hands.

So, here I am hobbling up the hill towards my parents’ house with a full, holey, smelly bag of poo in one hand, juggling the lead and my water bottle in the other, when along comes a neighbour out walking who wants to stop and chat about what a beautiful day it is and to ask me how I am going!  I engage in the conversation as nicely as I can, but “pant” to give him the indication that I really must keep my heart rate up and need to keep moving. When I arrive at my parents’ house, wash my hands, stop to tell them what happened ... it becomes clear as I cool down that my dad will have to drive me home!

I spent the rest of the day on the lounge, with “ICE” oscillating from right ankle to left knee, watching movies and eating chocolate. Great start to “turning over a new leaf”.  Of course, I quickly saw the funny side to all of this and could laugh it off. Actually I could even make the most of it, seeing it as another excuse to simply relax for the weekend and do nothing, with all the justification in the world.

It is amazing how quickly your plans can be thwarted by just a “bump” in the road. It is where it all started and although frustrating, it won’t keep me down for long.  But it started to make me think; if only I could see some of the serious things that happen to me as simply “a bump on the road”, laugh it off, make the best of it and then keep going.

There have been so many “bumps” over the years that have knocked me right off my feet and I have never been able to recover or keep going. I have simply given up, got discouraged and never tried again. So many plans and dreams that I would have liked to see happen and because they haven’t come to pass, they have rocked my confidence and my ability to keep going. There are scars I still carry, which shape the decisions I make today, the way I view myself and at times the way I have viewed God.

Yet, the scar I got from that fall that Saturday, is now a good story to make people laugh. The series of events that happened after the fall is so typical when you are feeling down. It is never just one thing, yet the dog and the poo and the neighbour just made this story funnier.  Why can’t I view all the bumps in the road like that? Sure, some are more serious “bumps” than others, but in the end I still have a choice to allow the “bumps” to make me stronger or weaker, to let them stop me or make me more determined, to make me bitter or more compassionate, to make me sue someone or worse, blame God. Or I could stop, rest, recover, see it for what it is - the “bumps” that life throws at you - get up and keep going.

It is just a “bump in the road”. It may not be fair. It may not be nice. It may not be easy, but it is a “bump in the road”, and in this life they will happen no matter how wonderful your plans are.  The question is, what will we choose to do about it WHEN the bumps come?  Will we let them define us or will we choose to get back up, dust ourselves off and keep moving forward.

I envy those who can “easily laugh off” or “let go” of the serious “bumps” in life, but hopefully each day I am getting better at it.  I hope so because as I get older, I am sure there are many more “bumps” to come!

What do Spring Rolls and Playdough have in common?

I wonder how you eat spring rolls? I have always loved spring rolls, but I had never tasted spring rolls like in Hanoi, Vietnam, until this year. I think I have been spoiled for life now. They are quite a delicacy in Hanoi and nothing compares to them anywhere. I also learned a lot about how they eat them. That was very inspiring.

In Vietnam culture, the spring roll is something that is shared with the community, it is something they do together, using the same dips for everyone. Where in Australia, we have a rule of NO double dipping, in Vietnam, it is an essential part of eating them to share the same dips and to dip together.

The spring rolls “dips” are also very symbolic of the experience of doing it together. The dip is a mixture of lemon (sour) , garlic ( smelly) , capsicum, chilli (hot) , Pepper (spicy), fish sauce (sugar) , water that joins it all together.

The ingredients of the dips represent all types of tastes and combinations, coming together and being blended to make something special. This is a symbol of community. There are all kinds of people who should make up community and it is the variety that makes it TRUE community. What a beautiful example of what community should look like. We all get to be together at the banquet sharing it together. It reminds me of the great banquet Jesus talked about where all were invited and welcomed to share together. The sad thing is that, just as in the parable, there were many who wouldn't come. So it is with our culture, which has become so obsessed with having our own dips and making sure that we are separate so as to not share germs, and allowing everyone to have control of their own combinations and eat what they want to eat and not have to share.

I often do this excursive with all ages, where I give them a piece of play dough and everyone has a different colour. I begin by asking them to design something with their play dough and create something that represents them. Many enjoy this process but the next step is hard for them. Even though this is only a piece of play dough, it is amazing how attached they get. I ask them to share their creation with other people in the room and as they do they must share a piece of play dough, which means they give a piece away and gain a piece. As they continue to swap with people over and over again, they end up with different colours in their hands.

It always amazes me how the majority of people keep all the colours separate even when I am constantly asking them to massage the colours together as they go. When they sit down I ask them again to massage the colours all together in order to make a new colour. Many just can’t do it. They have either been conditioned to NOT mix the colours or they don't like the fact that their creations has been destroyed and it is no longer the same as when they started.

Again this practical exercise reminds us that to be TRUE community means that in the sharing process, what we end up is not the same as what we started with. Some people love this, but more than often our “isolated”, “controlling”, “self-focused”, “comfortable” culture means that we really struggle with this exercise. Sounds harsh I know, but there is no other explanation for this behaviour. If this is so hard in an exercise with play dough, imagine the sacrifice it takes for people to live in TRUE community. Like the spring roll experience, life is meant to be shared and done together. And through the combining and sharing we are all transformed to become something different..

How about you ... are you okay to SHARE your sauce dips and double dip your spring rolls? Can you MIX your play dough colours ... or does the thought of that make you cringe?

The bigger question is ... is life in your faith community truly shared and mixed together, and if not what are you missing out on?