"Frozen” Parenting - Snow is soft but ice can hurt - Part 1

Frozen the movie has been a BIG hit for kids and families this year, and rightly so, it has everything, humour, adventure, romance and friendship, fantastic music, all set within a wonderful winter setting. But the deeper themes are so powerful for parents in particular, let us NOT let it go....without seeing it as a powerful reminder of the journey of life and the role we play as parents to either empower  or “overprotect” our children from becoming all they can be.

 The older sister has a gift, a talent. She can make soft snow which creates beauty and fun, for her and her sister Anna to enjoy. But, like any talent or gift it can be our greatest strength or our most powerful weakness. When, she accidently hurts her sister, the parent’s choose to lock her up in order to protect both the girls. To protect them was ONE choice but not the only choice.

 There is a strong need in us all as parents to protect.  It is a beautiful thing to want to protect our innocent children, to make sure they don’t have to go through any pain and in Elsa’s case, protecting others from being hurt as well. But, Instead of helping Elsa to learn to control her feelings and her powers, the parents choose to “Cotton Wool” her. By doing this, she is cut off from the world and those that could grow to love her, but are never given the chance. This disempowerment begins a long line of incidents and problems, and naturally the situation goes from bad to worse.

“As parents, we don’t want them out of our sight. As educators, we’re concerned about liability and feel we need to avoid risk. We believe we are protecting our future by protecting them. In reality, we may be harming the future” [1]

One of the most challenging issues our children and teenagers face today is they are not prepared for LIFE.  So many are not prepared for stepping out and facing the world in such a way that they can contribute and see the challenges as something to learn from. Many are afraid to FAIL and yet falling down is one of the best ways to learn. Many are still at home long into their 20’s and do not know what they want to do with their lives. It is a growing problem in western society.

Today as a parent, it is much harder to protect as Elsa’s parents did, locking the doors and closing the windows is not that easy anymore. The internet comes right into our so called “Safe places”. Again our response should not be to protect or shut it all out, it doesn’t prepare them.  Princess Anna is a great example, she is shut in so much that the first man that smiled at her, she was willing to marry. She was not a good judge of character and she was not prepared for by anyone to deal with love and so much more.

There are many aspects of Technology that we all must be aware of, but we must empower rather than always protect.  In the SMH, there was an article called “Msg to MUM: don’t panic” Professor Boyd says “Statistically, facebook is less dangerous than the mall, which is less dangerous than the home. What most parents fail to realize is that the young people who are at risk in the mall and on facebook and those who are also at risk at home. These are youth that are surrounded by abuse, addiction, and mental health struggles. They look for attention in all the wrong places.”(SMH, April 5-6, 2014, pg32)

I understand this desire to protect, I don’t want my kids to get hurt or hurt anyone else. I have always felt if you provide a stable, safe and strong environment that my children will learn to fly and be all they can be. But this doesn’t happen without a few falls, without a few challenges and without a few bumps along the way. I have learned the hard way to STOP saving my children in the little things, in hope it prepares them for the BIG things that will come their way.

They have gifts and talents that need to be harnessed and developed. The home is the place where they spend most of their time when they are young. It needs to be a place where they can come to know who they are, and why they are here on this earth and what can they contribute to this short life. I believe we are called to “live life to the full” (John 10:10), as parents, in God’s strength and guidance what are you doing to help your children to become all they can be?   Are you protecting or empowering them?

They can’t spend their whole lives playing in the snow, one day it will become ICE and the question will be “Are they ready?”

[1] Tim Elmore, iY Generation, pg 22

What’s your bowl of stew?

I consider myself a reasonably self disciplined person and yet I found myself challenged again by the story of Jacob and Esau (Genesis 25). Esau was the eldest and had the birthright of being responsible over much because he was the first born.  This position was a privilege and huge responsibility and set him up for life really. One day he was so hungry that he was willing to give that away in the moment for a bowl of stew. He was willing to trade the immediate for the Ultimate. “You might ask who in the world would do something as stupid as trade their birthright for a bowl of stew? If you think about it, you already know the answer. We do it every single day?”(Altar Ego, Craig Groeschel, pg 55, Study Guide)

SO, I am teaching this to a bunch of girls one Sunday afternoon and think it is a great question to challenge THEM with.  You know the joy of teaching is that God mostly challenges YOU in the process. As I challenge them to think about “What’s their bowl of stew?”, the question continues to ring in my ears as I leave for home. As I begun by saying, I consider myself a reasonably disciplined person, in things that really matter, so I am feeling reasonably good about this question. I feel I know deep down what is of “ultimate” importance in God’s kingdom and I am pretty good with not giving into the “immediate” in areas like my relationships, my ministry and most of my parenting. So, I sit down to watch a movie and 5 Lind’t chocolates later, I am not feeling to good. I think “why am I eating these, I feel sick and can I really turn off the Movie?”....Of course I can answer this easily “because I LOVE lindt white chocolate and because I would rather escape into a movie, than talk to my kids or husband because right now I am too tired for all that that, effort requires”. Hello, they are my bowl of stew ! 

Ouch.....that didn’t take long. And so what, you might say, there is nothing wrong with chocolate and a movie! And that is true in moderation. But they are my IMMEDIATE temptation and I can see over my life how “over eating” and “escaping into movies” have taken me away from the ULTIMATE, at least for a time. In some ways the fact that they only seem small, is what makes them so dangerous. They are socially acceptable, they don’t cause anyone else damage, they are not sinful acts in themselves, so it is easy for them to become something I can justify. But, If I am honest, I have been battling eating the wrong things for years now. At the beginning of each year I set goals and I generally achieve most of my goals each year, but there is one about losing weight that has been there for 16 years now, it is the only one that has never been achieved.  As for watching movies and TV series, well I suppose the size of my DVD collection may give away that obsession. You know you have a problem when you can’t walk past a DVD store, and even without buying one, you find great pleasure in just flipping through the titles. My family are always dragging me out of those stores.

So, although not a shocking admission, I know. Today I was reminded that even something that seems harmless and socially acceptable can become a distraction from the ULTIMATE, if we are not willing to be honest about answering the question “What is my bowl of stew?”  I am a believer that what is hidden is what becomes dangerous. What is public, is easier to gain accountability for. I also believe that it is only when I go to the SOURCE, to the one that HOLDS me that I have any chance of making better IMMEDIATE choices.

As I work with these Beautiful teen girls about “what is their bowl of stew” I long to create a place for them to be honest with themselves and to feel safe enough to share, to confide and ask for accountability.  But more importantly we might not so easily trade the ULTIMATE for the IMMEDIATE if we knew HIM and HIS ULTIMATE love and purpose for US.  Thanks God, for the reminder today and every day.

What’s you bowl of stew ?

Fresh Eyes

I have had two youth interns over the last 12 months, one from New Zealand, one from the UK. They came to live, serve and learn amidst our faith community.  They both came from positive and vibrant large church communities and strong Christian families. I have to be honest that apart from the opportunity to come to Australia (which I totally get), I wondered what we could possibly give to them, other than a chance to serve in another type of ministry. At first it was a challenge for them both to be in an inter- generational faith community where we did most things across the ages. This was a culture shock to them.

But there’s nothing like fresh eyes to help you see what we have come to take for granted.  After 3 months the first intern said to me with tears in her eyes “I feel like the people of ICentral know me better than anyone knows me back home in the church I have been going to for 6 years”. Her mother came to visit around that time. The 3 of us had been at a conference all week. On the final night’s celebration, our people from ICentral came to join the conference. Her mother saw a difference in her that night, something she hadn’t seen all week and when she asked her why she seemed so happy she replied “My community is here”.

The second intern also said something profound after the first month of her time with us. When I asked her what she had learned so far, she said “I am having a revelation that being a Christian is more about a fun way of doing life with others compared to a Sunday chore” and more recently she said “I feel I have never really walked with Christians before”.

As a result they also blessed and gave us, and me personally so much. By bringing their gifts and time to us, they created a special place in our hearts. Even though they live in other countries, we will always consider them a part of our community. That's the power of true COLLISION.

As a faith community we seek to do life together, not just Sundays. We desire to reach UP to God, IN to each other and OUT to those who do not know God. We have aim to create REAL COMMUNITY in all we do. We have done this across all the GENERATIONS, and found there is so much more we can do together, rather than in separate silos.

We have simply asked the question “What does it take to create environments where the generations can collide?”

Who knew these two youth would reflect back to us so brightly the values we hold so deeply. We can sometimes take them for granted when we are heads down and simply seeking to live them day to day.

Each weekend the females of our community go away for a weekend. The ages range from 7 to 89 years old. I believe only God can bring together such diversity and differences and create an environment of love, acceptance, trust and joy. There was laughter, adventure, tears and growth, wise words, listening hearts and great food, all in 48 hours of temporary community. It doesn’t take much to create an environment like this, just willing hearts and open and FRESH eyes.

2000 years ago Jesus created environments with a community of people. He created spaces for His community where there was food, adventure, inspiration and opportunities to serve others. Jesus led as a great example of living a “Godly life”, He didn’t just talk about it. This was not Sunday centric, but daily. The experiences the disciples had with Jesus became the strength of their community and they knew how to carry on even when He was gone.

What environments are you creating, where the generations can collide? I believe we are called to communities where growth, love and wisdom flow and people of all ages are known and loved and can enjoy doing life together.

To read more about this read “Collide” the book by Tammy Tolman (www.tammytolman.com) or go to www.colide.net.au